Sigbovik 2012#

A Record of the Proceedings of SIGBOVIK 2012

March 30^th, 2012

Carnegie Mellon University

Pittsburgh, PA 15213

Association for {width="1.3194444444444444in"
height="1.3055555555555556in"}

Computational Heresy

~~: :~~ Advancing computing as Tomfoolery & Distraction

SIGBOVIK

SIGBOVIK

A Record of the Proceedings of SIGBOVIK 2012

A Record of the Proceedings of SIGBOVIK 2011

ISSN 2155-0166

ISSN 2155-0166

April 1, 2011

March 30, 2012

Copyright is maintained by the individual authors, though obviously
this all gets posted

Copyright is maintained by the individual authors, though obviously
this all gets posted to the internet and stuff, because it's 2012.

to the internet and stuff, because it's 2011.

Permission to make digital or hard copies of portions of this work for
personal use is Permission to make digital or hard copies of portions
of this work for personal use is granted; permission to make digital
or hard copies of portions of this work for classroom granted;
permission to make digital or hard copies of portions of this work for
classroom use is also granted, but seems ill-advised. Abstracting with
credit is permitted, abstracting use is also granted, but seems
ill-advised. Abstracting with credit is permitted, abstracting with
credit cards seems difficult.

with types can be used to implement existential types.

Additional copies of this work may be ordered from Lulu, see
http://sigbovik.org/ for

Additional copies of this work may be ordered from Lulu, see
http://sigbovik.org/ for details

details.

ii

A lost and rediscovered message from the organizers of SIGBOVIK
2010...

Durnken note frome the SIBOVIK Org committee:

Hey guys,

I love you, man! SIGBOVIK could not be so awesme without your
contributios, and thats what it's all about, right? Woooo!

love,

Us

A preemptively lost and rediscovered message from the organizers of
SIGBOVIK 2012...

The Association for Computational Heresy (ACH) Special Interest Group
(SIG) on Harry Q. Bovik (BOVIK) is ecstatic to host our flagship
conference, the first-ever sixth SIGBOVIK, kicking off our series of
SIGBOVIK 2012 conference.

In this year's SIGBOVIK, we hoped to return to our roots in
Computational and/or Heresy, and we were whelmed by the number of
quality papers submitted this year covering one or both of these
topics. These pa pers pioneer new interdisciplinary fields, like
computational eschatology, celebrity systems, and drinking game
theory. Others provide fresh perspectives on security, logic, and
patent law.

Despite the monoculture of diversity that SIGBOVIK represents, several
themes emerge from this year's confer ence, including: Reduction,
programming, Thought, Science, and sweet. Because of visualizations,
we provide a tag cloud to illustrate these themes:

{width="5.668350831146107in"
height="3.0833333333333335in"}This year's tracks have been laid down
by our expert Proceedings Jockeys, and a karaoke version may be
obtained by omitting the middle two tracks. To avoid inadvertent
favoritism due to the order these tracks appear, we ex plicitly state
that the tracks have been ordered alphabetically from good to
non-good.

iii

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Track 1: Official 2012 Apocalypse Track

• An Eschatological Approach: The Four Horsemen of Computer Science .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 The Reverend Nicolas
A. Feltman and Joan E. Chao, Mother Supremum

• World Domination Through the Use of a Graphical Reduction of the
Six Degrees of Separation Concept with Potential Robot Design for Mode
of Implementation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . 11 L. S. Berg and P. J. Barton

Track 2: Comestibility theory

• Food for Thought: Dining Philosophers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
15

• Higher-Order Generalized Algebraic Pizzas . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19
~~Rose Bohrer~~ and Samir Jindel

• Lollipops and Lemma Drops: the sweet, sweet logic of candy . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 William
Lovas

• Algorithms for ^k/_n Power-Hours . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . .29 Ben Blum, Dr. William Lovas, Ph.D., Chris Martens, and
Dr. Tom Murphy VII, Ph.D.

Track 3: Brought to you by the letter...

• TBD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . .35 Taus Brock-Nannestad and Gian Perrone

• The Letter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . 37 Frederick J. Mespütchy

• Proof of P = NP . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . 41 Samir Jindel and Rose Bohrer

• An Epistolary Reconstruction of the Curry-Howard Correspondence . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 Ben Blum and
Michael Sullivan

• The Kardashian Kernel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . 49 David F. Fouhey and Daniel Maturana

iiii

Track 4: Did you bring enough to reshare with the class?

• Implications of Constrained Thought Expression Achieved via a One
Hundred-forty Character Message Limitation Applied to Complex Social
Netwo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . 57 Nathan Brooks and Tommy Liu

• The Spineless Tagless Tweet Machine: Distributed Cloud-Based Social
Crowdsourced Lazy Graph Reduction on the Web 2.0 . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 Michael Sullivan

• SIGBOVIK 2012 Take-Home Midterm Examination . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61 James McCann

• The National Month Of Pushing Spacebar . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
65 Tom Murphy VII

• What Most Medical Students Know About Computer Science . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75 Brian R.
Hirshman

Track 5: Programming languages research and other games for children

• Modeling Perceived Cuteness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . .79 Nathan Brooks and Evelyn Yarzebinski

• i-PHONE app stor : where is my pants . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. 81 Dr. Tom Murphy VII, Ph.D. and Dr. Abigale G. Lade, Ph.D.

• An Extensible Platform for Upwards and Sidewards Mobility . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83 David
Renshaw

• A modern optimizing compiler for a dynamically typed programming
language: Standard ML of New Jersey (preliminary report) . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
85 Ian Zerny

• Programming Language Checklist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. 95 Colin McMillen, Jason Reed, and Elly Jones

iiiii

Track 6: Protect yo' shit

• Cryptographically-Strong Hashing with Physics . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101
James McCann and Fake Otherauthor

• The Physics-Based Hashes of Twelve Really Good Ideas . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105
Patent Troll

• A modest proposal for the purity of programming . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .107
Robert J. Simmons and Tom Murphy VII

• Preparation-Hom as the ideal completion of a Hemorrhoidal category
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .115 Sitsin CØmfort
and MinrØv GØrondt

• A Randomized Commit Protocol for Adversarial - Nay, Supervillain -
Workloads . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 119 Ben Blum

• Address space content randomization: exploit mitigation through
data randomization . . . . . . . . . . . 123 Carlo Angiuli

iiiiii

Track 1

Official 2012 Apocalypse Track

1. An Eschatological Approach: The Four Horsemen of Computer Science
The Reverend Nicolas A. Feltman and Joan E. Chao, Mother Supremum
Keywords: Eschatology, Horsies, Indulgences

2. World Domination Through the Use of a Graphical Reduction of the
Six Degrees of Separation Concept with Potential Robot Design for Mode
of Implementation

L. S. Berg and P. J. Barton

Keywords: Six Degrees of Separation, Kevin Bacon, Turtle Power, World
Domination, Bad Cartoon Jokes, Topology, Reduction, Depression,
Graphical Model Abuse

1

2

An Eschatological Approach: The Four Horsemen of Computer Science

The Reverend^∗ Nicolas A. Feltman

Joan E. Chao, Mother Supremum^†

March 30, 2012

1 Abstract

In this paper, we propose a novel eschatological framework for
analysis of the endtimes in computer science. Based on citations from
the Subroutine of Dijkstra, we identify and postulate the coming
arrival of four horsemen: Noise, Compatibility, Bottlenecking, and
Exponential Explosion.

2 Introduction and Background

It has been well observed that Computer Science has somewhat of an un
healthy reliance on assymptotics (having previously eschewed
Mathematics' solicitations to try amphetamines). Applying this pattern
to the temporal dimension yields the field of Eschatological Computer
Science. In general, eschatological approaches have been steadily
gaining ground, mostly because they all sound pretty cool and usually
promise deliverence from the toils of our individual problems.

Piousbottom's seminal¹ work in Eschatological Computer Science laid
the foundation for the style of analysis to be used by the rest of the
field. It also put forth The Cthulhu Hypothesis, that the endtimes
will involve something

^∗Ordained by the Universal Life Church Monastery.

^†Currently at Our Lady of Perpetual Computation.

¹It was developed at a seminary.

3

big, angry, and otherworldly. This paper supports a variant of that
theory, the Multi-Cthulhu Hypothesis, that the endtimes will involve
multiple things, each of which are medium-sized, angry, and
otherworldly.

3 Methods and Texts

This paper involves analysis of the Subroutine of Dijkstra, which was
origi nally written in ALGOL, then tranlated to COBOL, then FORTRAN,
then λ-calculus, then COBOL again, then C, then C++, then Java, and
finally to English². The text itself was originally discovered in
punch card form in the basement of the Alamo, and thereafter adopted
into cannon and canon (in that order) by the Association for
Computational Heresy³.

{width="3.937153324584427in"
height="2.9206528871391075in"}

Figure 1: In the future, everything's in the cloud.

²Ha et al. "MLA-style Programming," SIGBOVIK 2011.

³a surpisingly reverent organization

4

+-------+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| 1 | > I saw that the Lambda acquired one of the seven mutexes, |
| 10:10 | > and I heard one of the four daemons saying, as with a |
| | > voice of thunder, "Come and see!" |
+=======+==============================================================+
| 1 | > And behold, a fuzzy white horse, and he who sat on it had |
| 10:20 | > a sensor. An intricately-detailed crown was given to him, |
| | > and he came forth obfuscating, and to obfuscate. |
+-------+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| 1 | > When he acquired the second mutex, I heard the second |
| 10:30 | > daemon saying, "Come!" |
+-------+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| 1 | > Another came forth, a wooden red horse. To him who sat on |
| 10:40 | > it was given power to take elegance from the field, and |
| | > that they should code against one another. There was given |
| | > to him a great codex of specifications. |
+-------+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| 1 | > When he acquired the third mutex, I heard the third daemon |
| 10:50 | > saying, "Come and see!" And behold, an asymmetric black |
| | > horse, and he who sat on it had a balance in his hand. |
+-------+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| 1 | > I heard a voice in the midst of the four daemons saying, |
| 10:60 | > "A megabyte from disk for a millisecond, and three |
| | > megabytes from RAM for a millisecond! Don't damage the |
| | > FLOPS!" |
+-------+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| 1 | > When he acquired the fourth mutex, I heard the fourth |
| 10:70 | > daemon saying, "Come and see!" |
+-------+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| 1 | > And behold, a pale horse, and he who sat on it, his name |
| 10:80 | > was Ex ponential Explosion. Hueristics followed with him. |
| | > Authority over one fourth of the field, to intractablize |
| | > with the combination, with integer optimization, with SAT, |
| | > and by all the evaluation states of the program was given |
| | > to him. |
+-------+--------------------------------------------------------------+

4 Analysis

Above is excerpt from the Subroutine of Dijkstra, Punched Card 110₂.
Some scholars argue for a literal interpretation of the text, whereas
others posit that the horsemen are symbolic references to concepts
defined elsewhere. We will employ the latter approach. The text
suggests four horsemen. For the less imaginative, graphical aids have
been provided.

5

6

7

8

9

5 Simultaneous Work

Simultaneous work in Computational Ancient Poetry has given rise to a
unified Ragnarok theory involving the destruction of nearly all of
modern computer science. This is, of course, all a bunch of
superstitious hokum designed to deter you from the true path. If
you've fallen prey to this devilish mode of thought, consult my past
work on Computational Indulgences.

10

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Track 2

Comestibility theory

1. Food for Thought: Dining Philosophers

Keywords: hunger-driven devices, morsels, monads

2. Higher-Order Generalized Algebraic Pizzas

Rose Bohrer and Samir Jindel

Keywords: Curry-Pepper Isomorphism, Grease Monad, Monoids in the
Category of Delicious, A^♭Mixolydian

3. Lollipops and Lemma Drops: the sweet, sweet logic of candy William
Lovas

4. Algorithms for k/n Power-Hours

Ben Blum, Dr. William Lovas, Ph.D., Chris Martens, and Dr. Tom Murphy
VII, Ph.D.

Keywords: alcohol in computer science, algorithms for the real world,
chemically-assisted reasoning, drinking game theory, hyper-driven
devices

13

14

Food for Thought: Dining Philosophers

April 1, 2012

{width="2.0069444444444446in"
height="2.079861111111111in"}1

Abstract

The Dining Philosophers problem is ubiquitous in concurrency theory.
[1] Most approach the problem with an all-too-transparent
computer-science-biased agenda. Our work offers a purely philosophical,
hunger-driven solution.

¹via http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Dining_philosophers.png 15

1 Appetizers

Siddharthachoke dip

Morel relativism

Tuna makiavelli

Jalapeno Poppers

Mock Godel soup ¨

Secular hunanism (hsun tzoup)

2 Mains

Fettuccini Alfrege

Vegetable Kormagorov

Bayesil pesto

Per Meat-Lof¨

Quineoa

Searleoin Steak

Cantortellini

Boeuf Sartre-tar

Texmexistentialism

Vennison

Tomato dalai lama

Cannelinihilism

Pressberger

Haskell Curry

3 A la Descartes

French Freuds

B. Russell sprouts

Transcuminism

Balsamic reductionism

Hipocratic oats

4 Dessert

Saul Kripkey lime pie

Neoplatonian ice cream

Fig Newtons and ChocoLeibniz [2] 16

5 Drink

Hypocratea

Gregory chai tea

Beer from L.E.J. Brouwery (served in a Wittgenstein)

Makers Marx

Three Philosophers

Appendix A: Kids' menu

Hot dogma

Metafishsticks

Aristatertotles

Plato

Maccaronietzcheese

References

[1] C. A. R. Hoare. Communicating sequential processes. Commun.
ACM, 21(8):666--677, August 1978.

[2] Randofu. Everything2: Choco leibniz.
\"http://everything2.com/user/Randofu/ writeups/Choco+Leibniz\".

17

18

Higher-Order Generalized Algebraic Pizzas

R~~ose Bohrer~~

Samir Jindel

March 5, 2012

Abstract

Herein we investigate the under-appreciated and probably undercooked
field of Higher-Order Generalized Algebraic Pizza. We provide an ele
gant proof of the Curry-Pepper Isomorphism, show the general case of
pizza construction is undecidable, and come to groundbreaking conclu
sions about the evaluational semantics of Dominos that lead us to
propose a different model.

1 Keywords

Curry-Pepper Isomorphism, Grease Monad, Monoids in the Category of
Deli cious, A^♭ Mixolydian

2 Motivation

One may ask why we choose to investigate the field of pizzas. In fact,
many people have asked this very question when ordering Vocelli's late
at night. There are several convincing reasons to pursue this field of
research:

1. I'm hungry.

2. Judging by how often I see the Domino's guy at Gates, this field
is of great interest to our academic community.

3. Most research into the field so far has been by amateurs. Turning
a pro fessional eye could bring light to currently unsolved problems.

4. I'm hungry.

3 Curry-Pepper Isomorphism

You may be aware of the Curry-Howard isomorphism relating proofs and
pro grams. You may be less aware of the Curry-Pepper isomorphism,
relating pizza toppings to each other. The first known proof is
presented below.

19

We first define the universes of pizzas and ingredients as P and I
respectively, and a garnishing function G : P × I ⇒ P. We also have
the sets of curries and peppers, C ⊂ I, P^∗ ⊂ I.

We can now state the Curry-Pepper Isomorphism as follows: Theorem 1.
The Curry-Pepper Isomorphism.

∀i₁,i₂ ∈ C ∪ P^∗, p ∈ P, G(p,i₁) = G(p,i₂).

Proof. First consider the case where i₁,i₂ ∈ C. Observe that I'm
not white and I'm ~~not~~ very used to eating curry, so I can't
actually tell the difference between the different kinds. That
concludes this case.

Next consider the case i₁,i₂ ∈ P^∗. This case may appear
complicated, be cause the universe P^∗includes many types of pepper,
including banana, bell, black, and habanero. ˜ However we can apply
Axiom 1: after a while, it all tastes like ~~cholesterol~~ MSG and
late days. That concludes this case.

Now consider the final case: i₁ ∈ C ⊕ i₂ ∈ C. We have already
shown that there at most two equivalence classes: curry and pepper.
Thus by finding a single curry and a single pepper that are
equivalent, we can reduce this to one equivalence class.

We now proceed by example. Consider Sgt. Pepper ∈ P^∗ and Ravi
Shankar's Grandma's cooking ∈ C. Because George Harrison is a Beatle
he is equivalent to Sgt. Pepper, and also equivalent to Ravi Shankar
since they did the Concert for Bangladesh together. You are what you
eat, so Ravi Shankar is equivalent to his

grandma's cooking. By transitivity of ~~yum~~ pun, our theorem is
complete.

4 Pizza-Paper Isomorphism

To establish an isomorphism between papers and pizzas we find a
mapping from paper titles to pizzas and one from pizzas to papers. We
will handle the trivial case first:

4.1 Mapping from Paper Titles to Pizzas

Here we show that it is possible to find a mapping from paper titles
that are syntactically valid under reversal to pizzas.

Proof. To construct a pizza P from a paper title T, construct a graph
G in which the vertices V are the buzzwords B of T, and two buzzwords
B₁ and B₂ are adjacent {B₁, B₂} ∈ E iff they are adjacent in
the T. Next, we choose a set of ingredients I and map each buzzword B
to a set S ⊆ I of the ingredients. We then construct the pizza P by
mapping the each buzzword B to a particular slice K such that if
{B_α,B_β} ∈ E, the slices of pizza K_α and K_β they map to are
adjacent. We then decorate each pizza slice K with the set of
ingredients S

to which its corresponding buzzword B maps.

20

4.2 Mapping from Pizzas to Paper Titles

Likewise, for any non-empty pizza, we can find a corresponding
unordered pair of paper titles that remain syntactically valid under
reversal.

Proof. Assume an injection b : N → B, where every element of B is a
buzzword. As a simplification, we assume a syntax under which all
titles are valid. This reduces the problem to finding one title that
corresponds to a given pizza. First we convert our pizza to a
connected, simple, weighted, undirected graph. Each set of ingredients
is represented by a vertex v, and two vertices v₁, v₂ are
connected by an edge e(v₁, v₂) iff there exist two adjacent slices
s₁, s₂ such that s₁ contains exactly the ingredients for v₁
and s₂ contains exactly the ingredients for v₂. The weight of the
edge is the ingredient distance d(e(v₁, v₂)), which is the number
of ingredients you must add or remove to get from one set to the
other. Note we can treat the graph as undirected because adjacency is
symmetric and d ◦ e is commutative. Furthermore we can reduce it to a
simple graph because d depends only on v₁, v₂, not s₁, s₂
(i.e. any two edges between a given pair of vertices would have the
same weight). The graph is connected by the obvious observation that
pizzas are also connected, at least before you eat most of them.

Given this graph, we find a title. We know the graph has at least one
vertex because the pizza was non-empty by assumption. If the graph
contains one vertex, we map it to the empty title. Otherwise, since
the graph is connected and undirected, there will exist at least one
cycle. We take an arbitrary cycle of minimal weight (there may be more
than one). We then choose an arbitrary starting vertex, and iterate
through all the other vertices in the cycle. Each time we traverse an
edge e(v₁, v₂), we append the buzzword b(d(e(v₁, v₂))) to our
partial title t_p. When we reach the end of the cycle we have a title
t. Because we assumed a grammar under which all titles are valid, its
reverse t_r is

also valid, giving us the desired pair of reversible titles (t,t_r).

5 Non-Strict Semantics of Domino's

We represent the state of Domino's kitchen as a priority queue into
which we can enqueue functions returning pizzas (orders), and dequeue
the actual pizzas once Domino's says they should be ready. That is,
dequeueing is the action of yelling at the pizza guy to give you your
pizza, and function application is the cooking of a pizza.

We assume Domino's is implemented as immediately applying each order
and storing them in the queue for retrieval. This implementation has
been confirmed by the Vendor¹.

Then, under a strict evaluational semantics, the pizzas should be
immedi ately available for consumption biased by their price. Given
the fact that pizzas

¹citation needed

21

take some time to execute, we cede that they might not be available
imme diately, but it should at least be guaranteed that ordering is
preserved: If I provide a higher-order pizza, the result should be
computed before computing any lower-order pizza.

Extensive experiments have proven this assumption to be false. It is
often observed that pizzas can be evaluated immediately, way after
other pizzas, or even never because you only get cheese, you cheap
bastard.

We thus conclude that Domino's has a non-strict semantics, and is
imple mented in Haskell (because Haskell is the only lazy language).
Furthermore, we note that CM Caf´e has the same behavior, and this
being CMU, it should not be implemented in Haskell, but OCa_~SM~L.
Not only is it good for ~~school~~ PL spirit, but I would be a lot
less hungry.

22

Lollipops and Lemma Drops

the sweet, sweet logic of candy

William Lovas

March 20, 2012

Abstract

Based on observations of real-world candy practice, we derive real
math candy theory, with the hopes of spawning a decades-long research
programme into newer and tastier forms of confection. Along the way,
we
^{cite several relevant tweets and play merry hell with BibT}_EX.

1 Motivation

There is a delicious children's candy that takes the form of
brightly-colored sugar shells succulently and lovingly spray-wrapped
onto highly eccentric oblate spheroids of grade "A" dark chocolate,
known in the common parlance as m&m's. The candies are identified by
being stamped with a white letter m on one side of the shell,
primarily to distinguish them from a very similar candy that only
exists in Canada (i.e., a "canady") called Smarties, not to be
confused with the wafer sugar confectionery made by Ce De Candy
[con11]. This of course begs the question: what happened to the
other m*?*

We propose a logical solution to the problem, expositing a theory
whereby candymakers can save time and space by exploiting logical
equivalences [LH12], thus bridging the gap between logical theory
and logical practice, with delicious consequences. We furthermore
explore a variety of future avenues where this strategy can be
fruitfully applied towards the invention of newer and tastier candies,
thus placing the entire confection industry on a sound, productive,
and logically-motivated foundation not unlike the Curry-Howard
correspondence for programming languages [How80, aPCCaeNFL12].

2 The M&M-M correspondence

Observe that logically, m&m ≡ m. This is easy to prove, whether &
refers to the ordinary "and" of classical and intuitionistic logics or
the hipper and more modern "with" of the 1980's power-ballad linear
logic. The projection retraction pair so-formed is typically known as
the manufacturing-eating cycle,

23

and it keeps the M&M-Mars company operating lucratively.¹

2.1 Correspondence. . . or more?

Many would-be academes like to bicker and argue about whether
Curry-Howard is a mere correspondence or a true isomorphism. The
question of nomenclature is both historical and technical in nature, and
although its importance is unde niable, a full discussion of all the
relevant positions and their consequences is unfortunately outside the
scope of the present work. But in keeping with the highest standards of
academic integrity commensurate with a publication venue as prestigious
as SIGBOVIK, we here evaluate our own work in this regard.

The M&M-M correspondence is a correspondence between the logical propo
sitions M&M and M, parametric in M. For it to be a proper isomorphism,
it must be the case that the two directions of the correspondence when
composed together in either order form an identity map. The calculations
are routine and uninteresting, so we leave them to future work, but
suffice it to be said that it is difficult to manufacture a particular
M&M, once eaten.

3 Whence m? And a potential new favorite

So we know by the M&M-M correspondence that M&M ≡ M, parametric in M,
and thus that m&m ≡ m. But why exploit this equivalence in the
printing of candies?

The answer is simple: to save space and manufacturing costs. Oblate
spheroids are not only pleasing to both the touch and the tongue,² but
also quite easy to manufacture! By contrast, prolate spheroids are
neither a proper fit for the mouth---it would have to balance
precariously on one end (see Fig ure 1)---nor for production by
machine---and yet, that precarious shape would be required to provide
sufficient surface area for printing the full name of the candy! Logical
equivalence both improves aesthetic value and enables mass production.

To a similar end, we propose a new candy---not spherical nor even
spheroidi cal, but rectangular, and in fact, square. The complete and
proper name of the candy is A ⊃ A, but to enable manufacturability and
improve the consumer experience, the candies will simply be printed with
the equivalent proposition ⊤. An added benefit not enjoyed by M&M's is
that via rotation, A ⊃ A's may be experienced in at least four distinct
ways (see Figures 2 and 3).

¹It is conjectured that the singular m found on the M&M candies
actually refers to the other m, i.e., Mars, but these rumors are mostly
baseless, as M&M's come in many colors besides red.

²Not to mention ideally suited to the behavior of melting in the one
and not in the other! 24

{width="3.5in"
height="5.708334426946632in"}Figure 1: a 3&3 standing on end (image:
Wikipedia; made by AugPi).

A ⊃ A

Figure 2: A ⊃ A's: discarded concept sketch.

⊤

⊣

⊥

⊢

Figure 3: A ⊃ A's exploiting logical equivalence, in four pleasing
orientations. 25

Figure 4: Would you eat that doughnut? Really?

4 Further extrusions: A classic sweet

Not all enjoyable sweets are candy: many favored confections existed
before the advent of the modern industrial era of Big Candy. One
classic sweet dating back to the mid-19^th century, and popularized in
modern form by such household alliterations as Krispy Kreme and
Dunkin' Donuts, is the dough of the excluded middle. Logically, this
breakfast favorite can be represented as A ∨ ¬A, the eponymous law,
but if one attempts to print the cake's name on the cake itself, one
finds that the name is just too short---there's all kinds of extra
space, which is really hard on the eyes, and assuming the printing
is done in frosting or something, fully half the bites would be dry
and tasteless (see Figure 4). I mean, just look at it! It's
preposterous.

Employing logical equivalence in the opposite of the usual direction,
though, we can expand A ∨ ¬A to the well-known equivalent, the
heavily left-nested Peirce's law: ((A ⊃ B) ⊃ A) ⊃ A. The expanded
proposition now fits on the confection in an aesthetically pleasing
way, with an even distribution of frosting throughout (see Figure 5).
Succulent!

26

Figure 5: Mmm. . . heretical and higher-order.

5 Previous work

Earlier work in this area [cc, (@p] fell prey to the extraordinary
fineness of logical distinctions typified by linear logic: it was
irreparably unsound, due to the two different forms of truth in linear
logic---1 and ⊤---neither of which is actually equivalent to provable
propositions. We have corrected and expanded on the underlying idea in
Section 3, above.

6 Future work

The world is full of logics, so there are many fruitful directions we
envision taking this work in the future. For instance, where did the
hole go?³ What about those lollipops?⁴ And can we actually employ
fruit in candy?⁵

³Answer: constructive logic!

⁴Formally, ⊸[Ph.10]

⁵An earlier draft of this paper was entitled, ". . . Towards Lemma
Drops", but hey, no one ever got tenure by underselling their work. .
.

27

7 Acknowledgements

Dr. Tom 7, Ph.D generously served as classical concept artist. XLNT!

References

[aPCCaeNFL12] Ben Blum as Priority Class Continuations and Michael
Sulli van as η Normal Form Letters. An epistolary reconstruction of
the Curry-Howard correspondence. In Proceedings of the 6^th Annual
Intercalary Workshop about Symposium on Robot Dance Party of
Conference in Celebration of Harry Q. Bovik's 0x40th Birthday
(SIGBOVIK 2012), Pittsburgh, PA, 2012. Association for Computational
Heresy, Verlag & Sons Pub lishing Co.

[cc] chrisamaphone (@chrisamaphone). ""I think I'm going to start a
line of candies called A -o A's, but just print '1' on the candy."
--@xwjl" 7 Feb 2012, 11:14 pm. Tweet.

[con11] Wikipedia contributors. Smarties (disambiguation).
Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, 2011. [Online; accessed
18-March-2012].

[How80] William A. Howard. The formulae-as-types notion of construc
tion. In Jonathan P. Seldin and J. Roger Hindley, editors, To H. B.
Curry: Essays on Combinatory Logic, Lambda Calcu lus, and Formalism,
pages 479--490. Academic Press, Boston, MA, 1980.

[LH12] Daniel R. Licata and Robert Harper. Canonicity for 2-
dimensional type theory. In Proceedings of the 39^th annual ACM
SIGPLAN-SIGACT symposium on Principles of pro gramming languages,
POPL '12, pages 337--348, New York, NY, USA, 2012. ACM.

[(@p] Popular Logic (@popularlogic). ""I think I'm going to start a
line of candies called A -o A's, but just print '1' on the candy."
--@xwjl" 7 Feb 2012, 11:14 pm. Retweet.

[Ph.10] Dr. Tom Murphy VII Ph.D. You keep dying. In Proceedings of
the 4^th Annual Intercalary Workshop about Symposium on Robot Dance
Party of Conference in Celebration of Harry Q. Bovik's 0x40th Birthday
(SIGBOVIK 2010), Pittsburgh, PA, 2010. Association for Computational
Heresy, Verlag & Sons Publishing Co.

28

Abstract

Algorithms for ^k/_n Power-Hours

Ben Blum Dr. William Lovas, Ph.D.

Chris Martens Dr. Tom Murphy VII, Ph.D.

1 April 2012

However, in some cases, the game may result in un

comfortable levels of inebriation. Participants there

Drinking games, while a fun activities, can lead to memory leaks if
performed to excess. In particular the Power Hour, in which a shot of
beer is drunk every minute for an hour, may be modified to al low
potentially arbitrarily customizably safely enjoy able consumption. We
sketch some known solutions and avenues for future research. ALSO WE ARE
DRINKING RIGHT NOW AND THIS PAPER WAS COMPLETED IN ONE HOUR

Keywords: alcohol in computer science, algorithms for the real world,
chemically-assisted reasoning, drinking game theory, hyper-driven
devices

1 Introduction

A power hour¹is a drinking game in which partici pants drink a shot
of beer every minute for an hour, usually based on musical cues.

Using the standard of one shot = one fluid ounce of 4% alcohol, a power
hour equals approximately five beers total. For an average-mass human
with a well-developed alcohol tolerance, the game results in a pleasant
level of inebriation.²

^-1Copyright c 2012 the Regents of the Wikiplia Foundation. Appears in
SIGBOVIK 2012 with the permission of the Asso ciation for Computational
Heresy; IEEEEEE! press, Verlag Verlag volume no. 0x40-2A. £0.00

¹Not to be confused with power sets, Powerade, Powerpuff Girls, or
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers

²Anonymous personal correspondance

29

fore may wish to reduce the total amount of alcohol consumed while
still experiencing the process of col laborative inebration.

If, say, a participant wants to drink half as much as everyone else,
what options do they have avail able? One possibility is to simply
drink once ev ery other song. This is problematic for two reasons. The
soft reason is that in the spirit of active partic ipation, they would
ideally like to take some action progressing their drunkenness at
every song change. See 3 for a formal discussion of this condition. A
more compelling reason is that humans in a state of ever-increasing
inebration probably cannot remem ber whether or not they drank last
time due to im paired reasoning abilities³ Therefore, they must, as
a finite state automoton, determine their course of action based
solely on current state.

A known solution for the half power hour is to take a different action
based on shot glass state: fill when the glass is empty and drink if
the glass is full. This elegant solution achieves the goal of
consuming half as much alcohol by the end but requires the par
ticipant only to observe the most recent state, then change that state
in a single action.

The aim of this work is to generalize the ½ power hour to general
k/n (with m participants). We provide some preliminary results, but
primarily we pose a call to action suggesting various avenues of
research.

³A non-judgmental reconstruction of drunken logic. Robert J.
Simmons. SIGBOVIK 2007. April 2007.

2 Desiderata

3 Desiderata

There are several properties we would like an algo rithm to satisfy in
order to be considered a proper power hour algorithm. In this section,
we enumerate these desiderata along with illustrative examples that
violate---and thus motivate---them. Without con straints, the space of
potential power hour algorithms is too large to be meaningfully analyzed
and under stood; these desiderata serve to limit the space of possible
algorithms to those that are sufficiently sim ple and adequate to be
implemented in a real-world context.

In what follows, a power hour player is tasked with taking an action
each turn. Typically, a turn occurs every minute. Each action involves
some observation of the current state and some change of state. The
classic power hour algorithm is for each action to be: observe the empty
shot glass in front of you, fill that shot glass with beer, and drink
that shot glass, re establishing the state invariant for the next round.

3.1 Discretion

The first and most important desideratum is that of discretion: each
player should drink only one shot per turn. Anyone who has
participated in a power hour realizes the difficulty of drinking even
a single shot late in the game, and we wish to exclude algo rithms
that require a player to exceed these natural human limits.

An obvious violation is the 2-power hour (= 120/60-power hour), where
a player must pour and drink two shots each turn.

3.2 Simplicity

Relatedly, a power hour algorithm should consist of only simple actions.
There is some leeway in defining precisely what it means for an action
to be "simple", but the purpose of this constraint is to ensure maxi mal
physical safety and minimal broken glass (desires which are in
synergistic harmony), so for example, in verting a full cup is
disallowed, since the spilled beer

30

causes a sense of alarm, and stacking a cup on an up cup is
unpermitted (e.g.,^∩_∪), since an up-cup does not provide sufficient
foundation for safe stacking.

3.3 Locality

For practical purposes, a player participating in a proper power hour
can perform only very simple ob servations: to that end, we posit the
desideratum of locality: a player's action may depend only upon ob
serving the state of the shot glass directly in front of them, and
not, say, the state of some other player's glass or some written
memory. This desideratum rep resents a kind of "memory safety":
players need not have too much memory from turn to turn, since in our
experience, they won't.

3.4 Singularity

Simplicity and locality together suggest the desider atum of
singularity: a player should have at most one shot glass in front of
them at any given moment. Generalizations are possible: for instance,
every shot glass in front of a player must have the same state (e.g.,
all filled, all empty, all inverted, etc.), but the resultant
protocols become prohibitively complex due to the explosion of
possible states and the necessity of maintaining state invariants on
each action.

3.5 Liveness

Another desideratum is the property of liveness: we would like every
player to drink infinitely often, in the limit. The goal here is to
ensure that every player continues to enjoy in the camaraderie at all
times, and to a certain extend to maintain their buzz at a smooth and
constant level. Liveness does, however, rule out many potential
interesting algorithms like the 0/60-power hour, the 1/60-power hour,
etc.

3.6 Extensibility

In addition to bounding the lower limit of a player's drinking
(liveness, above), we would like to bound their upper limit: the
desideratum of extensibility captures this idea. Extensibility
dictates that for any

generalized extension of the hour to n^′ > n minutes, there must be
some further extension to n^′′ ≥ n^′ minutes such that after n^′′
minutes, a player has con sumed k^′′ drinks such that k^′′/n^′′ =
k/n, exactly. In other words, in the limit, a k/n-player must always
have drunk k/n times, or be on the way to drink ing k/n times.
Extensibility rules out algorithms like the 58/60-power hour, the
59/60-power hour, and the 61/60-power hour, where the player has some
initial sequence of actions before they enter their main loop.

In the case of non-trivial (i.e., non-zero) power hours, extensibilty is
a strictly stronger constraint than liveness, since for any 0 \< x ≤ 1,
in the limit, a player will eventually have to drink to maintain a
fraction of x drinks per turn.

3.7 Asynchrony

In the case of distributed power hour algorithms (as in Section 5.1
and 4), we posit the desideratum of asynchrony: a player's action
should not depend on any coordination with other players. Formally,
and practically speaking, asynchrony requires that a player's action
during a turn depend only upon the observations that player could have
made at the be ginning of the turn. Otherwise, you know, things just
get too, uh. . . complicated.

4 Known Results

Solo arrangements. In the solo case, we know ex actly what power hours
are possible and which are not. Let us exhaust these before moving
onto the more difficult distributed case.

31

⁰/₆₀ Trivial, with multiple solutions. Start with ∪, never fill
it, and never drink.

¹/₆₀ Many solutions. For example, start with ⊎. Drink on ⊎, leave
∪upon see

ing ∪.

²/₆₀ Start with ⊎. On ⊎, drink and leave ∪. On ∪, fill and drink,
and leave ∩.

On ∩, do nothing.

³/₆₀ Impossible. Would require four dis tinct states, but there
are only three.

^4...19/₆₀ Even more impossible. XXX is 19 ac tually impossible?

²⁰/₆₀ Drinking one shot out of three. Start with ⊎. On ⊎, drink
and leave ∪. On

∪, flip to ∩. On ∩, flip, fill, and leave

⊎.

^21...29/₆₀ Even more impossible. XX are 21, 29 actually
impossible?

³⁰/₆₀ Drinking every other shot. Start with ⊎. On ⊎, drink and
leave ∪. On ∪, fill

and leave ⊎.

^31...39/₆₀ Super impossible.

⁴⁰/₆₀ Drinking two shots out of three. Start with ⊎. On ⊎, drink
and leave ∪. On

∪, fill, drink, and flip to ∩. On ∩, flip,

fill, and leave ⊎.

^41...57/₆₀ Totally impossible!

⁵⁸/₆₀ Symmetric to the ²/₆₀ case. Start with ∩. On ∩, flip and
leave ∪. On ∪, fill

and leave ⊎. On ⊎, drink, fill, and

leave ⊎.

⁵⁹/₆₀ Symmetric to the ¹/₆₀ case. Start with ∪. On ∪, fill and
leave ⊎. On ⊎, drink,

fill, and leave ⊎.

⁶⁰/₆₀ Easy; this is a normal power-hour. Start with ∪. On ∪, fill,
drink, and

leave ∪.

Distributed algorithms. Generalizing to the distributed case unlocks
many more possibilities. Even for just a small number of participants,
it be comes quite difficult to exhaustively explore the pos
sibilities. These algorithms are a class of finite state machines,
probably excluding analytical approaches (note that it is not even
simple to count the number of possible strategies, since some are
illegal because they put more than one cup in front of a player, per

haps in a rare configuration). Here we give some known results to give
a sense of what solutions look like.

A problem in the distributed case consists of play ers P₁, . . .
P_m. Each P_i wants to perform a^ki/_n power hour for the same
global n, coordinating with the other players.

First, observe that any participant in a distributed setting can use a
solo strategy and not interact with the rest of the group. Thus, if
k_iis one of the the possible solo cases above, this player can use
that strategy if the remaining players are able to solve the smaller
distributed problem. This if course includes the case that every player
wants to perform a^k/_n power hour that is one of the possible solo
cases.

With two players it is possible to perform power hours that are not
possible solo, however. For exam ple, two simultaneous ¹⁰/₆₀
performances are achiev able as follows. Only use one shotglass. Each
player does the ²⁰/₆₀ strategy, transitioning ∩ to ∪, and ∪ to ⊎. A
player receiving ⊎ drinks and transitions to ∩. In each case, the single
shotglass is passed to the other player, cutting the normal ²⁰/₆₀ in
half by split ting it evenly. ∩ to ∪ and place it in front of the other
player. This is the power of teamwork!!

More complex arrangements are possible, like where you pass to a
different dude depending on what orientation the cup is in, and who
knows what hap pens?!

5 Future Work

5.1 Distributed Algorithms

In future research we plan to study distributed algo rithms involving
more than one person and/or more than one shot-glass. With multiple
people cooper ating during one power hour, we observe many ad ditional
possibilities for tracking the state. Assume that instead of 1
participant with one shot-glass, we have p participants with q
shot-glasses among them.

32

5.1.1 Rotation

5.1.2 Shotglass Interactions

There are also many combinations that may result if we allow for a
state to be represented by multiple (presumed indistinguishable)
shotglasses. As a basic example, using two empty shotglasses, we can
repre sent three states: ∪∪, and ∪∩, and ∩∩.

If we allow filling one or both of the cups in the former two states,
this allows for even more states, but with less possibilities to
transition between states without drinking.

If we allow stacking of shotglasses, we enable even more
states:^∪∪,^∪∩,^∩∪, and^∩∩. In total, this allows for seven states
with two shotglasses.

This can be extended to arbitrarily high stacks, with absurd
consequences. We plan to hire a set the orist to study the
interactions of countably infinite and possibly even uncountably
infinite stacks.

5.2 Controversy

As discussed in section 3, there are several constraints on the
legitimacy of power hour algorithms. In the future we will consider
potential algorithms that may result if we relax these constraints.

5.2.1 Multiple Shots per Minute

If we extend the set of possible state transitions to allow the
participant to drink multiple times per minute, we enable algorithms
in which k > n. We write (A, . . .Z)^m to denote performing the
actions A through Z in sequence m times repeated.

The most basic example is to extend the classic algorithm to enable a
m ∗ n power hour, as follows. On each tick, (fill, drink)^m, and
leave ∪.

We can also write algorithms for non-integral irreg ular fractional
power hours. For a m/3 power hour (with m ≥ 1): If ∩, flip and leave
∪. If ∪, fill and leave ⊎. If ⊎, drink, (fill, drink)^m−1, flip,
leave ∩.

However, the algorithm described above provides poor load-balancing in
the case of large m. We can solve this problem by distributing the
multiple drinks, as follows. (In the following description,
_{we assume m} ^∼= 1mod3, for simplicity.) If ∩,

flip, (fill, drink)^(m−1)/3 and leave ∪. If ∪, fill, (drink,
fill)^(m−1)/3 and leave ⊎. If ⊎, drink, (fill, drink)^(m−1)/3, flip,
leave ∩.

We postulate that a similar load-balancing algo rithm can be applied
to any existing conventional al gorithm for k ≤ n.

5.2.2 Non-Extensibility

As discussed in section 4, there are certain algorithms that provide
results for k additively dependent on n. The possibilities for these
are also greatly expanded given the techniques described above. One
example algorithm is shown below.

If ∩∩, stack and leave^∩∩. If^∩∩, flip the top cup and leave^∪∩.
If^∪∩, flip both cups and leave^∩∪. If^∩∪, flip the top cup and
leave^∪∪. If^∪∪, un-stack and leave ∪∪. If ∪∪, fill both glasses and
drink, leaving ∪∪.

With one participant using two cups, this causes a 110/60 power hour.
With two participants, one drinking from each cup in the final step,
this causes a 55/60 power hour.

6 Conclusion

We have presented some algorithms for k/n Power Hours, woohoo!

We wrote this paper in one hour while drinking beer.

7 Cheers

Cheers to Rob Simmons for spreading the knowledge of the original Half
Power Hour formulation; to Jamie Morgenstern, Rob Arnold, and Anders
"POWAH HOWAH" Schack-Nielsen for providing inspiration in the form of
Power Hour Participation; to Ali Spag nola for providing musical
accompaniment to our writing sprint.

33

34

Track 3

Brought to you by the letter. . .

1. TBD

Taus Brock-Nannestad and Gian Perrone

Keywords: all is well here, send money, love to you and yours

2. The Letter

Frederick J. Mesputchy ¨

3. Proof of P = NP

Samir Jindel and Rose Bohrer

4. An Epistolary Reconstruction of the Curry-Howard Correspondence
Ben Blum and Michael Sullivan

Keywords: Corre-Howard-Spondence, Simply Typed Lambada Calculus,
Supernatural Deduction

5. The Kardashian Kernel

David F. Fouhey and Daniel Maturana

Keywords: Kardashian, Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kernel, Kuadratic, Konvex,
Koncave, Krylov, Kronecker, Kolmogorov, Karush-Kuhn-Tucker, K-Means,
K-Armed-Bandit, Kohonen, Karhunen-Loeve, Kriging, Kalman, Kinect,
Kovariance, Kurse-of-dimensionality, Kurvature, K-Nearest-Neighbor

35

36

Dear past future PhDs,

The Letter

Frederick J. Mespütchy

CarnegieMellonTrump University

Hitler College of Barely Understandable Scientific... Stuff^∗

Bieber Hall, 1001110001000 Forbius Avenue, Pittsblerg

(*FYI: not that Hitler - his [third]{.underline} clone was actually
quite a nice guy)

neously. Thus, the whole operation is more in changing our

view of the present than your past - but calling it "quantum

First, I would like to apologize to the unfortunate "victim" of this
communication. Indeed, in order to ensure my sub mission was properly
noticed (and hopefully submitted in a timely manner) to your deeply
respected conference, I was forced to overwrite the most frequently
accessed file in your Programme Chair's hard drive. It is my honest and
sincer est wish for this inconvenience to be merely temporary, as I hope
a complete and fully restoration of said file is possible so as he/she
may continue to enjoy the unquestionable value of the content contained
in "Jane really loves horses - stretched sore holes - part 2.flv".

With that, I will now take the time to briefly describe how I am
reaching you. Although time-traveling is now techni cally possible, the
energy requirements for sending informa tion back in time grow
exponentially in the size of the mes sage and the distance in time.
Furthermore, the operation changes the state of the carrier medium at
that particular point in time. Consequently, we are limited to relaying
this message by changing the magnetic properties of your PC's hard
drive, we cannot create completely "new" and complex matter. Thus,
although very experimental and not fully reli able, this message should
have appeared in a quite noticeable location so as to be detected on
time for the conference.

In case you are wondering as to why your hard drive was selected, well
it has important historic value. However, you do not need to worry, for
this procedure will cause no harm to it and, in fact, it will be
returned this very same after noon to the museum where your Facebook
profile is on per manent display to educate today's people on how
pathetic and meaningless your lives actually were.

The whole process of time-traveling is somewhat complex (and slightly
itchy, with byproducts that may cause halluci nation and silly behavior)
and I will have to elide the details for sake of brevity, you can see
the companion Technical Report[1] if you are curious about it.
Interestingly, that re search spawned a very insightful observation
that, just like the human brain can only comprehend a single instant in
time it has also evolved to only perceive a single position and ignore
all the other superpositions of quantum states in a similar way that our
eyes cannot see other wavelengths of light - but completely different,
obviously. The mechanisms of evolution and natural selection pushed the
development of brains that are adequate to observe a single quantum
state at a time, even though all other possibilities continue to exist,
these are shadows of the same object in dimensions that we lack a proper
perception mechanism to comprehend simulta

superposition re-collapse traveling" is probably inaccurate,
imprecise, vague and apparently redundant.

Besides such obviously groundbreaking and history result, the real
purpose of this message is to further guide your research paths by
giving you a glimpse of today's society. Thus, contributing to the
ever increasing pride and prestige of our institution by advising you
on what advancements had true meaningful impact.

Similarly, perhaps the best glimpse of excitement I can give you about
the future is that we have reached such an advanced state of
reasonably compromise and educated dis cussions that even the most
complex issues, such as abor tion, have finally been solved. Thus, it
is legal to technically do an abortion although the "aborted" embrions
continue their development in an in-vitro womb. Furthermore, to ensure
a proper up-bringing of these family-less individu als, they then
automatically join the military and enlist in the famous 1^st Single
Victory Squad, America's first suicide squad. As you can see such
compromise has not only com pletely solved the issue once and for all,
while pleasing both sides of the argument, and it was also responsible
to create a group of people that played a crucial role in finally
ending world hunger.

In, somewhat, unrelated news cannibalism is now socially acceptable.

Odd events have occurred since your time. For instance, the full size
recreation of the Schr¨odinger's cat experiment resulted in a
surprising outcome. Indeed, the cat was neither alive nor dead, but
zombified. However, unlike what is por trayed in movies, zombies are
surprisingly not all that harm ful as rotting flesh has trouble
keeping usable teeth. Thus, the subsequent zombie invasion produced
very few but still very boring and excessively drooly deaths and some
embar rassingly disturbing sexual behaviors that make necrophilia look
like banging a dead corpse. Well, except in Britain. Apparently bad
teeth were no impediment for British zom bies. Indeed, the NHS is
truly universal and the up-surge in sales of prosthetic teeth more
than compensated for the economical impact of the whole zombie
situation. But I di gress...

Video games have long became the norm for both educa tion, art and
recreation. Although, if our calculations are correct, you should be
experiencing the Kinect controller

37

38

tomatically computes an adequate temperature to keep the water
pleasantly cozy. Buttons, such as for elevators, are all proximity based
which considerably reduces transmission of diseases although door
kno^{[2]{.underline}}_γ^ˆfor what?? Really? Pff... if I were the last
guy on the planet I could definitely do better than you. And besides, if
everyone else is dead it just means you are defi nitely carrying some
really deadly and contagious disease down there that is surely the cause
of their demise. Yes, am very subtly calling you a whore. I know. This
news is surely going to come as a shock to your mother. She really
dislikes having competition. And I am not even *remotely* surprised
that you would refuse me even if I were the last guy on the planet.
After all, such constraint simply does not significantly reduce your
domain of possible sexual partners. Now, if you had said that you would
turn me down even if there were no dogs, no cats, no horses, no
elephants, no snakes, no rats/mice, no anacondas, no llamas, no donkeys,
no monkeys, no gorillas, no fishes of any kind, no cucumber or similarly
shaped fruits or vegetables, no brooms, no fire extinguishers, no Eiffel
tower, no trains, no bicycle seats, no at least partially stiff corpses,
no plungers, _{no rockets, no door knobs, no gear sticks o4#o}
^` wn for singing "Shitting in America" to the tune of a Lady Gaga
song while locked in a bathroom stall with no shoes (nor socks). Per
haps he is just weird, or the story is fiction, or he is just someone
with a very unhealthy addiction. But I do request that you do try to
find the person who wrote:

Here I am relaxed and seated,

With my ass carefully fitted

In this ceramic dome, unheated.

Ass cheeks spread and sweated,

Waiting a discharge, long pleaded.

I now reflect on what I did and see,

plants that spend more time in school than me, but get less than a nod,
not even a \"Hi!\"

sometimes slapped by that girl with big... eyes.

A billion \"Hey!\"-friends too polite to ignore, names I forgot, people
I do not wish to bore. Stairways with suspicious smells

Who knows what below them dwells...

Stall-mates with impressively sounding excretions, That saturate my
nasal cavity to completion Our coordinated farts as an odd way of
communication Between separate and distant anal civilizations If only
our hands could join in respectful consolation Perhaps such friendly
touch could cure my constipation.

Since the bastard's bowel movement caused an unprece dented and
significant loss to the university both from cost of toilet paper as
well as clogged pipes in the whole GHC complex. We don't even know how
he managed to do that. We suspect it was either a very funny prank or
just a pa thetically sad health condition mixed with unusual bad luck
and a poor/careless flushing discipline.

The adoption of the metric system was a catastrophe. Although not in
any scientific or technical way, just so cially. The transition from
inches to centimeters had the unexpected consequence of boosting the
self-esteem of every "hopefully-at-least-average" man, artificially
pushing them

39

into the domain of "slightly-above-average-but-nothing-too impressive"
league which lead to several outbreaks of point less violence, mostly
with baseball bats, and some less point less ones, with acutely sharp
knifes an⊎}2(/ccidental fart that would give flashbacks to any
holocaust survivor, the interview just went downhill. Somehow I just
knew the fart incident would not be forgotten. After that my mind
just... well, this is what I remember of the rest of the
conversation: "And where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

"In the future."

"Ok, then lets go to a different kind of question. Why are manhole
covers typically round?"

"They were designed to be squared, but they had to cut a few corners
during implementation."

"How many ping-pong balls fit in a bus?"

"Exactly 3. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're prob ably
wondering: What kind of bus can only fit 3 ping-pong balls? The answer
is surprisingly simple: not a very big one."

And as the smell of harshly digested Subway food still lin gered on
everyone's noses and my underwear carried a very suspicious and even
more inauspicious moisty feeling I began to+;δ23@W NO-CARRIER

40

Proof of P = NP

Samir Jindel and Rose Bohrer

March 4, 2012

Abstract

We have made a revolutionary discovery that will forever change the
field of computer sicence. The finest mathematicians and brightest
scien tists of mankind have toiled away at this problem for decades,
but until now no progress has been made toward its resolution. Our
solution and proof to this problem bring volumes of new insight to
complexity theory. Never has mankind stumbled upon such an elegant
proof to such a chal lenging and motivated problem before. We have
dedicated years upon years of research to this topic, are simply
standing upon the shoulders of giants as we present to you our
asounding discovery: P = NP.

41

{width="0.38556649168853896in"
height="0.4920625546806649in"}

Let N = 1. Thus P = 1 · P = NP. Quod erat demonstrandum, bitches. 42

❆♥ ❊♣✐st♦❧❛r② ❘❡❝♦♥str✉❝t✐♦♥ ♦❢ t❤❡ ❈✉rr②✲❍♦✇❛r❞ ❈♦rr❡s♣♦♥❞❡♥❝❡

❙t❛rr✐♥❣

❇❡♥ ❇❧✉♠ ✭❜❜❧✉♠❅❛♥❞r❡✇✳❝♠✉✳❡❞✉✮ ❛s Pr✐♦r✐t② ❈❧❛ss ❈♦♥t✐♥✉❛t✐♦♥s

❛♥❞

▼✐❝❤❛❡❧ ❙✉❧❧✐✈❛♥ ✭♠❥s✉❧❧✐✈❅❛♥❞r❡✇✳❝♠✉✳❡❞✉✮ ❛s η✲◆♦r♠❛❧ ❋♦r♠ ▲❡tt❡rs
✷✵✶✶✳✵✹✳✵✶

❆❜str❛❝t

❚❤❡ ❧♦❣✐❝✐❛♥s ❍❛s❦❡❧❧ ❈✉rr② ❛♥❞ ❲✐❧❧✐❛♠ ❆❧✈✐♥ ❍♦✇❛r❞ ❤❛✈❡ ❡❛❝❤
❝♦♥tr✐❜✉t❡❞ ♥✉♠❡r♦✉s ✐♥✈❛❧✉❛❜❧❡ ✐❞❡❛s t♦ t❤❡ ✜❡❧❞s ♦❢ ♣r♦♦❢ t❤❡♦r② ❛♥❞
♣r♦❣r❛♠♠✐♥❣ t❤❡♦r②✱ ✐♥❝❧✉❞✐♥❣ t❤❡ ❢❛♠♦✉s ✐s♦♠♦r♣❤✐s♠ ❜❡t✇❡❡♥ ♣r♦♦❢s
❛♥❞ ♣r♦❣r❛♠s✳ ❘❡❝❡♥t r❡s❡❛r❝❤✱ ❤♦✇❡✈❡r✱ ❤❛s ✉♥❝♦✈❡r❡❞ ❛ ❝❡rt❛✐♥
❝♦rr❡s♣♦♥❞❡♥❝❡ ❜❡t✇❡❡♥ t❤❡ t✇♦ ❣❡♥t❧❡♠❡♥ t❤❛t ❝♦♥tr✐❜✉t❡❞ t♦ t❤❡
❞❡✈❡❧♦♣♠❡♥t ♦❢ t❤❡ ❢❛♠♦✉s ❈✉rr②✲❍♦✇❛r❞ t❤❡♦r②✳ ❲❡ ♣r❡s❡♥t t❤❡
❝♦rr❡s♣♦♥❞❡♥❝❡ ❤❡r❡ ✐♥ ❢✉❧❧ ✐♥ ✐ts ♦r✐❣✐♥❛❧ ❢♦r♠❛t✳

❑❡②✇♦r❞s✿ ❈♦rr❡✲❍♦✇❛r❞✲❙♣♦♥❞❡♥❝❡✱ ❙✐♠♣❧② ❚②♣❡❞ ▲❛♠❜❛❞❛ ❈❛❧❝✉❧✉s✱
❙✉♣❡r♥❛t✉r❛❧ ❉❡❞✉❝t✐♦♥

✶ ■♥tr♦❞✉❝t✐♦♥

My Dearest Mr. Curry,

It is a pleasure to meet you. I am a resear er at the University of
icago, and I have been studying natural deduction and the λ-calculus.
I am writing you because it seems there is a relationship between the
two subjects not unlike the one between combinators and axiom s emes
that you recently published on.

^{To briefly explain the relationship, for example, in the λ-calculus, the construc}
tion of a function is similar to the introduction of an implication in
a natural deduction proof, and the application of function to an
argument mat es up with the modus ponens rule.

If you wish to correspond with me on this matter, I would like to hear
more about your resear about combinator calculi.

With warm regards,

William Alvin Howard

❋✐❣✉r❡ ✶✿ ▲❡tt❡r ❢r♦♠ ❍♦✇❛r❞❀ ❆♣r ✶✱ ✶✾✹✻

43

✷ ❘❡❧❛t❡❞ ❲♦r❦

❤✐ ❛❧✈✐♥✱

❣♦♦❞ t♦ ❤❡❛r ❢r♦♠ ②♦✉ ✲✲ ②♦✉ ❤❛✈❡ s♦♠❡

✐♥tr✐❣✉✐♥❣ ✐❞❡❛s✦ ❧❡t ♠❡ r❡❧❛t❡ s♦♠❡ ♦❢

♠② ✇♦r❦ t♦ ❣✐✈❡ ②♦✉ ❛♥ ✐❞❡❛ ♦❢ ❤♦✇ ✐t

❛❧❧ ♠✐❣❤t ❢✐t t♦❣❡t❤❡r✳

✐✈❡ ❜❡❡♥ ❢♦❝✉s✐♥❣ ♦♥ t❤❡ s✐♠✐❧❛r✐t✐❡s

❜❡t✇❡❡♥ ❤✐❧❜❡rt ❧♦❣✐❝ ❛♥❞ ❝♦♠❜✐♥❛t♦r

❝❛❧❝✉❧✉s✳ t❤❡ t❤✐♥❣ ❛❜♦✉t ❤✐❧❜❡rt✲st②❧❡

s②st❡♠s ✐s t❤❛t t❤❡② ❛r❡ ❧♦❣✐❝❛❧ s②st❡♠s

t❤❛t ♣✉s❤ ❛s ♠✉❝❤ ♦❢ t❤❡ s②st❡♠ ✐♥t♦ ❛♥

❛①✐♦♠ s❡t ❛s ♣♦ss✐❜❧❡✱ ✇❤✐❧❡ ♠✐♥✐♠✐③✐♥❣

t❤❡ ♥✉♠❜❡r ♦❢ r✉❧❡s ♦❢ ✐♥❢❡r❡♥❝❡✳ s♦ ❢♦r

♣r♦♣♦s✐t✐♦♥❛❧ ❧♦❣✐❝✱ t❤❡ ♦♥❧② ✐♥❢❡r❡♥❝❡

r✉❧❡ ✇♦✉❧❞ ❜❡ ♠♦❞✉s ♣♦♥❡♥s✳

t❤✐s ❝♦rr❡s♣♦♥❞s t♦ ❛ ♣r♦❣r❛♠♠✐♥❣ ♠♦❞❡❧

✇✐t❤ ♥♦ s②♥t❛t✐❝ ❢♦r♠s ♦t❤❡r t❤❛♥

❢✉♥❝t✐♦♥ ❛♣♣❧✐❝❛t✐♦♥ ❛♥❞ s♦♠❡ s❡t ♦❢

❜❛s❡ ❝♦♥str✉❝t♦rs ✭t❤❡ ❝♦♠❜✐♥❛t♦rs✱ ❛s

②♦✉ ❦♥♦✇ ✲✲ ❙✱ ❑✱ ■✮✳ ♥♦t❛❜❧②✱ ✐t

❞♦❡s♥✬t ❤❛✈❡ ✈❛r✐❛❜❧❡ ❜✐♥❞✐♥❣✳

❤♦♣❡❢✉❧❧② t❤✐s ❤❛s ❜❡❡♥ ❤❡❧♣❢✉❧✳ ❧❡t ♠❡

❦♥♦✇ ✐❢ ②♦✉ ♣❧❛♥ t♦ ♣✉❜❧✐s❤ ❛♥② ♦❢ ②♦✉r

✐❞❡❛s✱ ✐❞ ❜❡ ❣❧❛❞ t♦ t❛❦❡ ❛ ❧♦♦❦ ❛t ❛

❞r❛❢t ❢♦r ②♦✉✳

❝❤❡❡rs✱

❤❛s❦❡❧❧ ❝✉rr②

❋✐❣✉r❡ ✷✿ ▲❡tt❡r ❢r♦♠ ❈✉rr②❀ ❏✉❧ ✼✱ ✶✽✸✶

✸ ❉✐s❝✉ss✐♦♥

Greetings, Mr. Curry!

Thank you for the overview; I have found it immensely useful.

I have done some further work on my idea, and it seems that with my
new way of looking at it, the idea behind natural deduction is that
connectives are defined just in terms of introduction and elimination
forms; not by relating connectives to ea other.

It also seems that evaluation of λ-terms corresponds to reduction of
proofs. A reduced proof is one with no "detours", if you will, that is
to say, the introduction of a connective that is then eliminated. This
turns out to mat up perfectly with β-reduction.

I would love to hear what you think of this.

44

Best Wishes,

William A. Howard

❋✐❣✉r❡ ✸✿ ▲❡tt❡r ❢r♦♠ ❍♦✇❛r❞❀ ▼❛② ✶✼✱ ✶✽✸✼

❤❡② ❛❧✈✐♥

t❤✐s ✐s ♠♦st ✐♥t❡r❡st✐♥❣✳ ✐ ✇♦♥❞❡r✱ ✇❤❛t

♠✐❣❤t t❤❡ ✐♠♣❧✐❝❛t✐♦♥s ❜❡ ✐♥ t❤❡ ❛r❡❛ ♦❢

❝❧❛ss✐❝❛❧ ❧♦❣✐❝❄ ✐ ❤❛✈❡♥t ②❡t ❜❡❡♥ ❛❜❧❡

t♦ ❢✐❣✉r❡ ♦✉t ❤♦✇ ♣r♦♦❢ ❜② ❝♦♥tr❛❞✐❝t✐♦♥

❢✐ts ✐♥ ✇✐t❤ ♠② ❝♦♠❜✐♥❛t♦rs✳ ✐t s❡❡♠s

❧✐❦❡ ✐t ✇♦✉❧❞ ❜❡ ✉♣ ②♦✉r ❛❧❧❡② t❤♦✉❣❤❄

❛s ❢♦r ♠❡✱ ✐ ❤❛✈❡ ❞✐s❝♦✈❡r❡❞ t❤❛t t❤❡r❡

❛r❡ ❛❧s♦ tr❛♥s❧❛t✐♦♥s ❜❡t✇❡❡♥ t❤❡ ❧❛♠❜❞❛

❝❛❧❝✉❧✉s ❛♥❞ t❤❡ s✴❦ ❝❛❧❝✉❧✉s✱ ♠✉❝❤ ❧✐❦❡

t❤❡ ✐s♦♠♦r♣❤✐s♠ ❜❡t✇❡❡♥ ❤✐❧❜❡rt ♣r♦♦❢s

❛♥❞ ♥❛t✉r❛❧ ❞❡❞✉❝t✐♦♥ ♣r♦♦❢s✳

✲✲ ❤❛s❦❡❧❧

❋✐❣✉r❡ ✹✿ ▲❡tt❡r ❢r♦♠ ❈✉rr②❀ ◆♦✈ ✶✼✱ ✶✾✽✽

Mr. Curry,

I have made an exciting discovery. It seems as though the
"continuation-passing
^{style" invented by Sussman and Steele in 1975 is directly isomorphic to the double-nega}
tion translation from classical logic to intuitionistic logic. You may
be particularly interested to note one part of this discovery, whi is
that Pierce's law of logic mat es the "call/cc" primitive.

I have written a paper to announce this isomorphism, and intend to
submit it to the upcoming SigBovik conference. I have also included a
draft of the paper in this envelope, and I would be greatly obliged if
you could take the time to review it.

With Mu Gratitude,

William Howard

❋✐❣✉r❡ ✺✿ ▲❡tt❡r ❢r♦♠ ❍♦✇❛r❞❀ ▼❛r ✶✷✱ ✶✾✺✺

45

{width="4.549931102362205in"
height="5.442193788276465in"}

❋✐❣✉r❡ ✻✿ ❍♦✇❛r❞✬s ♣❛♣❡r ♦♥ ❈P❙ ❝♦♥✈❡rs✐♦♥✱ r❡❥❡❝t❡❞ ❢♦r ❧❛❝❦ ♦❢
❝✐t❛t✐♦♥s t♦ ❢♦r♠❡r ✇♦r❦✳❬❇❧✉✶✵✱ ❘❡♥✶✵❪

Haskell,

Did you see my last letter, about the continuation passing style?
Please respond; the conference deadline is quite soon.

Thanks. . .

Will H.

❋✐❣✉r❡ ✼✿ ▲❡tt❡r ❢r♦♠ ❍♦✇❛r❞❀ ▼❛r ✶✽✱ ✶✾✺✺

46

❙❖❘❘❨ ❆▲❱■◆ ❙❚❖P ■ ❍❆❱❊ ❇❊❊◆ ❖◆ ❱❆❈❆❚■❖◆ ❆◆❉ ❈❆◆◆❖❚ ❘❊❆❉ ❨❖❯❘ ❉❘❆❋❚
❙❚❖P ❨❖❯ ❙❍❖❯▲❉ ❙❯❇▼■❚ ❲■❚❍❖❯❚ ▼❨ ❘❊❱■❊❲ ❙❚❖P

❍❈ ❙❚❖P

❙❊◆❚ ❋❘❖▼ ▼❨ ❈◆❈P ❚❊▲❊❈❖▼▼❯◆■❈❆❚■❖◆❙ ❚❊▲❊●❘❆P❍ ❙❚❖P

❋✐❣✉r❡ ✽✿ ❚❡❧❡❣r❛♠ ❢r♦♠ ❈✉rr②❀ ▼❛r ✶✾✱ ✶✾✺✺

✹ ❊✈❛❧✉❛t✐♦♥

e₁ 7→ λx.e^′₁ e₂ 7→ e^′2

e₁e₂ 7→ [e^′₂/x]e^′1

✺ ❈♦♥❝❧✉s✐♦♥

Hi Mr. Curry,

It turns out that SigBovik did not accept my paper - the reviewers
said some thing about another paper that was recently published on
"DPS Conversion" that I neglected to cite in my submission.

^{I plan to continue developing this idea, and submit it to the Journal of Univer}
sal Rejection, whose deadline is upcoming next month.

I remain, Sir, your most Humble and Obedient Svt.,

William A. Howard

❋✐❣✉r❡ ✾✿ ▲❡tt❡r ❢r♦♠ ❍♦✇❛r❞❀ ❆♣r ✶✱ ✶✾✺✺

❛❧✈✐♥✱

s♦rr② t♦ ❤❡❛r s✐❣❜♦✈✐❦ ❞✐❞♥t ❛♣♣r❡❝✐❛t❡

②♦✉r ❞✐s❝♦✈❡r②✳ ❤♦♣❡❢✉❧❧② ②♦✉❧❧ ♠❡❡t

✇✐t❤ ♠♦r❡ ❧✉❝❦ ✐♥ ❢✉t✉r❡ s✉❜♠✐ss✐♦♥s✳

✐ ✇❛s t❤✐♥❦✐♥❣ ❛❜♦✉t s❡q✉❡♥t ❝❛❧❝✉❧✉s

t❤❡ ♦t❤❡r ❞❛②✱ ❛♥❞ ✐t ❛❧s♦ ♠✐❣❤t ❤❛✈❡

s♦♠❡ ♣❧❛❝❡ ✐♥ ②♦✉r r❡s❡❛r❝❤✳ ❢♦r ❡①❛♠♣❧❡

❝✉t ❡❧✐♠✐♥❛t✐♦♥ ❛♣♣❡❛rs t♦ r❡♣r❡s❡♥t ❛♥

❛❜str❛❝t ♠❛❝❤✐♥❡ ❝♦♠♣✉t❛t✐♦♥✳ ✐ s✉s♣❡❝t

❝❛❧❧✲❜②✲♥❛♠❡ ❛♥❞ ❝❛❧❧✲❜②✲✈❛❧✉❡ s❡♠❛♥t✐❝s

♣❧❛② ✐♥t♦ ✐t t♦♦✳

✲❤

❋✐❣✉r❡ ✶✵✿ ▲❡tt❡r ❢r♦♠ ❍♦✇❛r❞❀ ❆♣r ✷✱ ✶✾✺✹

47

❘❡❢❡r❡♥❝❡s

❬❇❧✉✶✵❪ ❇❡♥ ❇❧✉♠✳ ❉P❙ ❝♦♥✈❡rs✐♦♥✿ ❆ ♥❡✇ ♣❛r❛❞✐❣♠ ✐♥ ❤✐❣❤❡r✲♦r❞❡r
❝♦♠♣✐❧❛t✐♦♥✳ ■♥ Pr♦❝❡❡❞✐♥❣s ♦❢ t❤❡ ✹t❤ ❆♥♥✉❛❧ ■♥t❡r❝❛❧❛r② ❲♦r❦s❤♦♣
❛❜♦✉t ❈♦♥❢❡r❡♥❝❡ ✐♥ ❈❡❧❡❜r❛t✐♦♥ ♦❢ ❍❛rr② ◗✳ ❇♦✈✐❦✬s 2⁶t❤ ❇✐rt❤❞❛②✱
❙■●❇❖❱■❑✱ ✷✵✶✵✳

❬❘❡♥✶✵❪ ❉❛✈✐❞ ❘❡♥s❤❛✇✳ ❚❤❡ ❈❤✉r❝❤✲▼♦♥❦ ■s♦♠♦r♣❤✐s♠✳ ■♥ Pr♦❝❡❡❞✐♥❣s ♦❢
t❤❡ ✹t❤ ❙②♠♣♦s✐✉♠ ♦♥ ❘♦❜♦t ❉❛♥❝❡ P❛rt② ♦❢ ❈♦♥❢❡r❡♥❝❡ ✐♥ ❈❡❧❡❜r❛t✐♦♥ ♦❢
❍❛rr② ◗✳ ❇♦✈✐❦✬s 2⁶t❤ ❇✐rt❤❞❛②✱ ❙■●❇❖❱■❑✱ ✷✵✶✵✳

48

49

1 The Kardashian Kernel

Let X be an instance space. The Kardashian Kernel is an inner product
operator K_K : X × X → R. Applying the Kernel trick [14] we express
it as K_K(x, x^′) = κ(x)^T κ(x), with κ : X → K. Here K represents
a possibly infinitely-dimensional feature space. In Fig. 1, we provide
the best (to our knowledge) motivation of the Kernel Trick: by using
the Kardashian Kernel, we can leverage the Kardashian Feature space
without suffering the Kurse of Dimensionality. This kurse is similar
in nature to the better-known Curse of Dimensionality (c.f., [3]);
however, the motivation for avoiding such a space is different: here,
we wish to avoid having our data be associated with the Kardashian
shenanigans¹.

1.1 Related Work

It is common in the literature to cite work that is thematically
related; here, we explore an totally better style, in which we cite
work that is alphabetically related.

Historically, we are of course motivated by the Kronecker product and
delta, and by the fundamental impact had by Andrey Kolmogorov on
probability theory. In more recent work, our work is motivated by
Kalman Filters [9], especially in application to active stereo
sensors such as Kinect or circular distributions such as the Kent
distribution. We are also inspired by the ingenuity of David Lowe in
using an modified K-d tree search ordering to perform fast keypoint
retrieval in computer vision [11]; however, we believe that our
approach is provably k-optimal, as our paper has significantly more
k's and substantially more pictures of the Kardashians. We feel that
it is important to note that several machine learning techniques are
in fact, special cases of our k-themed approach: Gaussian process
regression also known as Kriging [12], and Self-Organizing Maps
[10] are also known as Kohonen maps, and thus both are of interest;
in contrast to this work, however, we place our k's up-front
systematically rather than hide them in complex formulations and
semantics.

1.2 On Some Issues Raised by the Kardashian Kernel

1.2.1 On Reproducing Kardashian Kernels

A natural question is, does K_K define a Reproducing Kernel Hilbert
Space (RKHS)? In other words, are the Kardashians Reproducing Kernels?
We conjecture that it may be the case: see Fig. 2, as well as [16]
and [13]. Nonetheless this has only been proven for a special case,
Kourtney [5].

{width="1.0000503062117236in"
height="1.5000699912510935in"}{width="0.8917858705161855in"
height="1.5002635608048993in"}

Figure 2: Are the Kardashians Reproducing Kernels? So far this
conjecture has only been proven in the case of Kourtney (left figure),
but many authors have argued that figures such as (right) may suggest
it is also true for Kim.

¹We thank the anonymous reviewer at People for correcting an error
which occurred in the previous version: Kris Humphries is no longer
considered a member of the Kardashian feature space.

50

1.2.2 On Divergence Functionals

Our paper naturally raises a number of questions. Most importantly of
all, one must ask whether the space induced by κ has structure that is
advantageous to minimizing the f divergences (e.g., see [15])? We
provide a brief analysis and proof sketch. Note that Z

D_φ(Z, Q) =

p₀φ(q₀/p₀)dµ

with φ convex. The following result follows fairly straight-forwardly
from the standard

definitions:

_w=¹_nXⁿ

min

i=1

hw, κ(x_{i)i −}¹_nXⁿ j=1

loghw, κ(y_{j )i +}λⁿ₂||w||²K

A complete proof is omitted due to space considerations, but should be
fairly straight forward for even an advanced undergraduate; it is made
much easier by the use of the Jensen-Jenner Inequality [8].

2 Kardashian SVM

2.1 Problem setting

SVMs are very popular, and provide a great way to plug in our new
kernel and demonstrate the importance of being Kardashian [18]. We
propose to solve the following optimization problem, which is subject
to the Kardashian-Karush-Kuhn-Tucker (KKKT) Conditions²
₂||w||² _{+ C}Xⁿ

min w,ξ,b

1

i=1

ξ_i

^{such that}y_i(w^T κ(x_i) − b) ≥ 1 − ξ_i 1 ≤ i ≤ n

ξ_i ≥ 0 1 ≤ i ≤ n

ζ_j = 0 1 ≤ j ≤ m.

κ is the mapping of datapoints into the Kardashian feature space; x_i
and y_i are data points 1, . . . , n and their labels (−1 or 1); ξ_i
are slack variables; and ζ_i are the sentences imposed upon O.J.
Simpson, defended by Robert Kardashian, Sr., for charges 1, . . . , m.
It can be proven that for n = 3, each ξ_i has the psychological
interpretation of the expected relative proportion of attention given
to Kardashian daughter i by the American public.

2.2 Learning algorithm

Learning the optimal classifier involves finding an optimal w. A
common approach is to use standard Kuadratic Programming (KP) methods;
see [4] for an summary of relevant techniques³.

However, the optimization manifold has a highly characteristic
kurvature (see fig. 3). We use an alternative approach that takes
advantage of the structure of the problem (c.f., our earlier
discussion regarding minimal f-divergences in RKHS).

It is clear⁴that the problem meets the conditions to be considered
"Konvex". Analogously, its dual is "Koncave". The solution for our
problem is bounded by relaxed versions of both; therefore we use a
Koncave-Konvex (KKP) procedure [19] to solve the problem.

2.3 Experiments - Kardashian or Cardassian?

In this experiment, we use the proposed Kardashian-Support Vector
Machine (K-SVM) to learn a classifier for "Cardassian" or "Kardashian"
given a window of a humanoid face. The

²Conditions under which our function will converge to a global
optimum and stay there for at least 72 days.

³N.B. Although popular, readers should note significant spelling
deficiencies in [4]; notably, "konvex" is misspelled as "convex
[sic]"

⁴Unless you're dumb.

51

52

53

54

Acknowledgments

This paper is brought to you by the letter K, the restaurants on Kraig
Street, and contri butions from viewers like you.

A Proof that Kardashian Kernel KLT/PCA is optimal

Suppose Z ∈ R^k×n is the output of KKKLT(X, Y, k, F); then Z
satisfies F(X, Z) ≤ F(X, Z^′) ∀ Z^′ ∈ R^k×n.

Proof. Trivially follows from the input conditions.

References

[1] Anonymous. Kardashian Nearest Neighbors - toward a totally new
era of non parametric methods. In Submission to Transactions on
Pattern Analysis and Machine Intelligence, 2012.

[2] Anonymous. KardashianRank: A random STD model for celebrity
ranking. In Sub mission to Transactions on Computer Networks and ISDN
Systems, 2012.

[3] Christopher M. Bishop. Pattern Recognition and Machine Learning
(Information Sci ence and Statistics). Springer, 1^st ed. 2006. corr.
2^nd printing edition, 2007.

[4] S. Boyd and L. Vandenberghe. Convex Optimization. Cambridge
University Press, 2004.

[5] E!Online. The Internet, 2012. URL:
http://www.eonline.com/news/kourtney_
kardashian_pregnant_with_baby/277501.

[6] Gawker. The Internet, 2010. URL: http://gawker.com/5693964/
kim-kardashians-credit-card-may-be-the-worst-credit-card-ever.

[7] Perez Hilton. The Internet, 2012. URL: http://perezhilton.com/
2012-01-11-khloe-kardashian-reportedly-not-a-biological-kardashian.

[8] K. Jenner and R. Kardashian. The Jensen-Jenner inequality. IEEE
Transations on Los Angeles-Themed Statistics, 13(6):1352--1368, mar.
1998.

[9] R.E. Kalman. A new approach to linear filtering and prediction
problems. Journal of Basic Engineering, 82(1):35--45.

[10] Teuvo Kohonen. Self-Organizing Maps. Springer, 2001.

[11] David G. Lowe. Distinctive image features from scale-invariant
keypoints. IJCV, 2004. [12] G. Matheron. Principles of
geostatistics. Economic Geology, (58):1246--1266, 1963.

[13] MediaTakeout. The Internet, 2010. URL:
http://mediatakeout.com/45282/
mto_world_exclusive_kim_kardashian_is_reportedly_pregnant____and_youll_
never_guess_who_the_father_is.html.

[14] John Mercer. Functions of positive and negative type and their
connection with the theory of integral equations. Philos. Trans. Roy.
Soc. London, 1909.

[15] XuanLong Nguyen, M.J. Wainwright, and M.I. Jordan. Estimating
divergence func tionals and the likelihood ratio by convex risk
minimization. Information Theory, IEEE Transactions on, 56(11):5847
--5861, nov. 2010.

[16] RadarOnline. The Internet, 2012. URL:
http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/
2012/01/khloe-kardashian-fertility-treatments-lamar-odom-dallas.

[17] L. Song, A. Gretton, D. Bickson, Y. Low, and C. Guestrin.
Kernel belief propagation. 2011.

[18] O. Wilde. The Importance of Being Kardashian. Random House,
1895.

[19] A.L. Yuille, A. Rangarajan, K. Kardashian, K. Kardashian, and
K. Kardashian. The koncave-konvex procedure. Neural Komputation,
15(4):915--936, 2003.

55

56

Track 4

Did you bring enough to reshare

with the class?

^{0. Implications of Constrained Thought Expression Achieved via a One Hundred}
forty Character Message Limitation Applied to Complex Social Netwo
Nathan Brooks and Tommy Liu

Keywords: #socialmedia, #sm, #140

^{1. The Spineless Tagless Tweet Machine: Distributed Cloud-Based Social Crowd}
sourced Lazy Graph Reduction on the Web 2.0 Michael Sullivan

2. SIGBOVIK 2012 Take-Home Midterm Examination

James McCann

3. The National Month Of Pushing Spacebar

Tom Murphy VII

Keywords: C++harles D:\ickens, fanfic, repetitive stress injury,
2012: A Space Odyssey

4. What Most Medical Students Know About Computer Science Brian R.
Hirshman

Keywords: computer science, electronic medical records, all-knowing
doctors, important stuff, take two kilo bytes and see me in the
morning, dude we're too busy learning other things

57

58

The Spineless Tagless Tweet Machine

Distributed Cloud-Based Social Crowdsourced Lazy Graph Reduction on the
Web 2.0

Michael Sullivan

Carnegie Mellon University

mjsulliv@cs.cmu.edu

Abstract

Lazy graph reduction is a common technique for implement ing non-strict
functional programming languages. We present the Spineless Tagless Tweet
Machine, a distributed lazy graph reduc tion system that uses Twitter to
communicate and store unevaluated expressions.

1. Introduction

Over the last few decades, there has been a large amount of work
discussing methods for efficient implementation of non-strict func
tional programming languages [3] [4]. A much touted benefit of
non-strict, pure functional languages is that computations can be easily
parallelized without worrying about concurrency issues.

We propose that the lazy graph reduction model combines well with a
number of other major recent developments in the com puting world: the
emergence of cloud computing and the social web. Cloud computing refers
to the offloading of computation and storage to unaccountable and
untrusted software-as-a-service providers, while the social web refers
to the "sharing" of statuses, photographs, personal information, and
other data with friends, ac quaintances, and enemies (frequently in the
form of "frenemies") through the Web. One of the most popular cloud
applications on the social web is Twitter [1], which allows users to
publish 140- character "tweets" (which include images), search for
tweets by "hashtags", and other such "social" activities.

Our proposal is to take advantage of of the parallelizability of lazy
pure functional programs by using the tools of cloud compu tation and
the social web. We present the Spineless Tagless Tweet Machine, a
distributed lazy graph reduction system that uses Twit ter to share
unevaluated expressions with the user's friends, ac quaintances, and
frenemies.

2. Description

Lazy computation is generally implemented by creating "thunks"
containing computations that might be needed later and evaluating the
thunks (or "pulling on" them) only when the result is needed. Pulling on
a thunk may involve creating new thunks representing computations for
subparts of the value computed.

We're no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I. A full
commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other
guy. I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling. Gotta make you understand.
Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run
around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say
goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. We've known each other for
so long. Your heart's been aching but. You're too shy to say it. Inside
we both know what's been going on. We know the game and we're gonna play
it. And if you ask me how I'm feeling. Don't tell me you're too blind to
see. Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run
around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say
goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

The Spineless Tagless Tweet Machine evaluates a internal lan guage
called STTM. The STTM is an austere untyped internal lan guage with
support for lazy evaluation. STTM is essential a more syntactically
restricted variant of the untyped lambda calculus. Al gebraic data-types
are represented using the Scott encoding; that is, as functions that
take case functions for each of their branches and then call the
matching one. Integers and integer operations are included in the
language for efficiency.

In the Spineless Tagless Tweet Machine model, interested users run
Spineless Tagless Tweet Machine computation nodes on their machines.
These nodes monitor twitter for STTM tweets containing unevaluated
thunks and upon seeing them may choose to do some evaluation of them and
tweet the results. This may involve creating additional thunks. Note
that this does not necessarily need to been done by the STTM software:
individual users should feel encouraged to evaluate thunks by hand and
tweet the results, allowing a crowd sourced graph reduction.

Each unevaluated expression will be associated with a unique hash-tag
¹ To pull on thunks, a client searches for tweets with the appropriate
hashtag, in order to find an evaluated version. (This search may need to
be repeated until the thunk has been evaluated.) Since the size of
expressions is likely to exceed the strict 140- character limit,
expressions will be encoded as images and included with the tweets.

3. Characteristics

One major advantage of this system is that caching of results is
provided by Twitter. If a computation has been performed before, the
result will be immediately found when pulling on the thunk.

Some potential downsides in this system are the potential weak ness in
privacy and correctness. The system provides no mecha nism to assess the
correctness of evaluated tweets or to hide tweets containing private
computational data from unwanted observers. In practice, users of cloud
and social services seem to not mind these limitations.

Deciding which tweets should be evaluated remains a major open problem
in this work. Only evaluating tweets that are directly needed fails to
gain any parallelism, while evaluating all tweets will result in chasing
down infinite data structures and rapidly being rate-limited by Twitter.

4. Conclusion

In this paper, we presented a novel way to violate Twitter's Terms of
Service [2] by using it as the communication medium and backing store
for distributed lazy graph reduction. We would have evaluated the
performance, but will be implementing the system sometime between now
and the conference.

¹ For this reason, "tagless" is inaccurate. "Spineless" also is
inaccurate. 59

References

[1] Twitter. http://twitter.com, .

[2] Twitter terms of service. http://twitter.com/tos, .

[3] S. L. P. Jones. Implementing lazy functional languages on stock
hard ware: the spineless tagless g-machine - version 2.5. Journal of
Func tional Programming, 2:127--202, 1992.

[4] M. Naylor and C. Runciman. The reduceron reconfigured. SIG PLAN
Not., 45(9):75--86, Sept. 2010. ISSN 0362-1340. doi:
10.1145/1932681.1863556. URL http://doi.acm.org/10.1145/
1932681.1863556.

60

SIGBOVIK 2012 Take-Home Midterm Examination

James McCann^∗

Adobe Systems, Inc.

Abstract

This exam is 3 pages long and has 5 questions. Please check to be sure
that you have all the pages before leaving class today.

This midterm is closed-book, closed-internet, open-proceedings; you
may refer to other material in this packet, but please don't use
outside references or discuss any of the questions with others until
the examination period has elapsed.

Typeset your answers and any supporting material neatly, label each
page with your name and section number, staple the resulting pages
firmly, and slip them under my office door. The hard deadline for this
exam is tomorrow at 4pm. Any exams not turned in at this time will be
counted asfailing grades.

I will be able to answer questions on the exam during my normal office
hours or via e-mail. I will not answer questions received after 3pm,
however.

Good luck.

CR Categories: 5.Q.a [Exams]: SIGBOVIK---2012

1 Optimal ordering [10pts]

Given a list of the first n non-negative integers in some arbitrary
order, place them in sorted order by using as few calls to move(p,t)
as possible. (Where move(p,t) moves the element at position p in the
list to just before the element at position t.)

Example: Given (1, 0, 5, 2, 4, 3), one optimal sequence of calls
is:

Call resulting list

- (1, 0, 5, 2, 4, 3)

move(1, 0) (0, 1, 5, 2, 4, 3)

move(2, 6) (0, 1, 2, 4, 3, 5)

move(4, 3) (0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Exercises:

1. How -- in an abstract, mathematical sense -- can you determine the
minimum number of calls to move required? [2pts]

2. Give an efficient algorithm for determining the number of calls.
[4pts]

3. Give an efficient algorithm which outputs a minimum-length list of
calls. [4pts] ^∗e-mail: jmccann@adobe.com

61

2 Arc subdivision [8pts]

Given non-coincident start and end points -- s, e -- and a midpoint --
m -- equidistant from these, one can draw exactly one circular arc
that starts at s tangent to sm, ends at e tangent to me, and
is contained in the triangle s, e, m. (For the purposes of this
problem, I consider straight lines to be circular arcs of infinite
radius.)

When drawing or colliding against arcs, it is convenient to be able to
subdivide them -- that is, produce points m₁, p, m₂ such that s,
m₁, p and p, m₂, e each describe half of the arc.

Illustration:

Exercises:

1. Write an arc-subdivision subroutine. You do not need trigonometry
to solve this problem. [6pts] 2. What shape results when your
routine is applied with m not equidistant from s and e? [2pts]

3 Enumeration of sums [12pts]

Given a set of integers, one may wish to enumerate through subsets of
those integers in order of their sum. Example: Given set {−1, 2,
3}, one ordering of the subsets by their sum is:

Subset Sum

{−1} −1

{} 0

{−1, 2} 1

{2} 2

{−1, 3} 2

{3} 3

{−1, 2, 3} 4

{2, 3} 5

Exercises:

1. Write a time-efficient subroutine that returns the next subset
every time it is called. This subroutine may store data between calls.
[8pts]

2. (Extra Credit) Is your subroutine memory efficient? [10pts]

3. Why is it difficult to write a time-efficient subroutine that does
not store data between calls? [3pts]

4. Describe a sufficient condition on the set such that one can write
an efficient subroutine that does not store extra data. Your condition
should admit an infinite number of sets. [1pts]

62

4 In-place rearrangement [10pts]

Sometimes, it is desirable to reorder an array of items in place. That
is, given an array A = (a₁, . . . , a_n) of generic items and an
array T = (i₁, . . . , i_n) of target indices for those items, you
wish to overwrite A with (a_i1, . . . , a_in).

Note: For this problem, the only operations available on generic items
are creation and assignment.

Example: Given array (a, d, f, c, e, b) and target indices (0, 2,
4, 1, 3, 5), your subroutine should over-write the input array with
(a, c, d, e, f, b).

Exercises:

1. Given an array of n items and an array of target indices, write a
subroutine that reorders these items in place in linear time and
constant memory. You may clobber the array of indices. [4pts]

2. Write a routine to rotate (in-place) a rectangular image stored in
scanline order by 90 degrees; the routine should operate in linear
time and constant memory. Note that there is no target indices array.
[5pts]

3. Describe a sufficient condition on the structure of the target
indices which will allow you to perform remapping operations without
clobbering the target indices array. [1pts]

5 Lights Out [9pts]

Lights Out is an electronic puzzle game featuring a grid of lit
buttons. Every time a button is pressed, that button (and its 4-way
neighbors) toggle from lit to unlit or unlit to lit. The goal is to
toggle all buttons to the unlit state.

We can generalize Lights Out in two ways. First, we can get rid of the
grid, and instead work over a general directed graph, where activating
vertex v toggles all vertices v^′such that there is an edge (v,
v^′). Notice that this definition allows us to chose whether
activating a vertex toggles itself. Second, we can begin to talk about
having S states instead of only 2. So every vertex of our graph is
assigned a number 0, . . . , S − 1, and toggling that vertex increases
the number by one (with S − 1 wrapping back to 0).

Exercises:

1. Describe a method for finding a solution in this general setting
which works in O(v³) time. [3pts] 2. When is this solution
optimal? [3pts]

3. Given a non-optimal solution, how much time is required to make it
optimal? [3pts] End of Exam

63

64

The National Month Of Pushing Spacebar

by Tom Murphy VII

65

Copyright c 2012 Tom Murphy VII SIGBOVIK Press

First edition, April 2012

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P^{rior attempts at writing a novel had been unsuc cessful. Think of all the obstacles: There's the blink}
ing green cursor of the tele-type that you can't figure

out how to turn off. And when you put tape on the screen to cover it
up, then it keeps moving whenever you make progress on the novel,
except if you count progress like deleting some piece of text and
adding new, better text of equal length. Or like, making the font of
the whole book smaller with each added letter, like when you're typing
your name onto a sticky name badge and you decide to add the
ceremonial "Ph.D." and "D.D.S." without realizing that due to
horizontal space con straints, they will diminish the gravitas of the
rest of your name, as measured in point size, except you can't turn
back now. And also you can't do that on a tele-type on account of it
only has one font, built into the Rondom Occess Memory, called Times
New Rondom, which is also green and looks like it was invented for
other computers to read, which makes you feel like a robot man or
-woman ("wo-bot"), who are known to not be able to write novels except
like "1001010101: A Tale Of Two Bitties" by C++harles D:\ickens. So
that is stymying.

Then you discovered the National Novel Writing Month a.k.a.
NaNoWriMo,¹the creatively capitalized internet web page that
encourages stymied novel writers to risk their jobs, ro mantic
entanglements, and friendships for the chance to self publish
horrendous exigent fantasy pastiche, thinly-veiled Twi light, Harry
Potter, and Dr. Who crossover fanfic, or offensively self-referential
poo-poop kinda like this. All you need to do is set aside 120 hours in
the month of November to jot down 50,000 words that have something to
do with each other, and declare victory. Maybe even pay a small fee
for a publishing service that provides you with a UPC-like number
precomputed to have a

¹http://nanowrimo.org/

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valid check digit, and an obligation to purchase too many copies of
your work at nearly novel-low prices.

And you did that too, but what shame! After customizing your profile
and packing the fridge up with the right snacks (things you once saw
someone who you consider health-conscious and knowledgeable about food
things bring to a party), and writing a purple description of your
main character, who was just by the way a faint simulacrum of either
you (but cooler), your imaginary girl/boyfriend, your World of
Warcraft character, or something like that, but anyway doesn't matter
because after writing that beginning bit and a little bit of
not-thought-through plot thickening, it all dried up again.

But enough about that because, sitting afore the pale com puter glow
or perhaps with a hardcopy in hand patiently await ing a talk to
finish at a prestigious academic conference, you are now discovering
the solution: The National Month of Push ing Spacebar. This annual
competition, fresh as angel diapers, the spring chicken of
massively-singleplayer forced-creativity sui cide pacts, challenges
you to achieve your dream of producing a novel-sized document without
the creative stress and feelings of inadequacy that come from having
that document also contain original content.

The premise is simple: During the National Month, push spacebar. The
National Month begins on Friday 30 March 2012 to coincide with the
prestigious academic conference SIG BOVIK, and ends at 23:59:59.9
eastern-jingoist-time on Sunday 29 April 2012, not including the final
day of the only-partially national month of April, for a nice round 31
days. Due to no bullshits having to do with leap anything or 2^nd
extended dead line, this comprises exactly 44,640 minutes. Success
constitutes pressing the spacebar 100,000 times, which yields a
novella of approximately 33 pages, consisting only of whitespace. The
best

68

part is you don't need to think about anything hard or worry that it
won't turn out good, because it can only be spaces. 100,000 elegantly
simple, stress-relieving spaces.

Your eyebrows perk up with interest. Actually one eyebrow goes up and
the other goes down. Can the NaMoOfPuSp be the real deal Holyfield?
Indeed it may, sir or madam. With one finger in the air politely to
indicate pause, you wonder, "What more about the logistics shall I
know?"

Well, first things first, get this in your web browser's location
indicator box thing pronto:

http://national.month.of.pushing.spacebar.org/

Next you can do the usual stuff involving making an account and
customizing the profile. To avoid the distractions and body dysmorphic
stressors having to do with selecting a profile picture that
adequately captures your on-line persona while attracting potential
mates without seeming too self-involved or pimply (if male) or
confusing potential creepers as to attractiveness status or gender
appropriateness (if female), you can only select one of two faceless
grey line drawings as your profile avatar.

"Endless customization options totaling 1 bit of entropy!" you
exclaim. "What other fields can I type in?"

Well, don't get too excited but you can also modify the title of your
book, and you can set your status message, which allows you to do
social networking. These can only consist of spaces, but beware, for
they do not count towards your total number of spaces pressed. To
prevent cardiac involvement, a preview of the profile customization
interface is presented in Figure 1, which should reduce arousal upon
seeing it for the first time.

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{width="4.140179352580927in"
height="1.8618055555555555in"}

Figure 1: This is what it looks like when you're customizing your
profile (well, my profile).

You're looking peppier already, and you say zestfully, "Aw right!
Profile customized. Networks socialed. Now what?"

The next thing is to push spacebar. When on the proper page, pushing
spacebar records the action and instantly apprises you of your
progress. A bunch of data boxes and graph things show math
entertainment for you as you press, and the counter indicates your
tally front and center. How you type spaces is up to you. Some people
prefer to push, others to press. Of course you can't just hold down
the spacebar, duh.

Warning: Repeatedly pressing the spacebar, or any key, can cause
repetitive stress injury. Just kidding! Nobody needs to worry about
that. It's a fake disease for hypochondriacs like fibromyalgia. Just
kidding about kidding! It's totally real. So's fibromyalgia! So's
hypochondriasis! Just kidding! You totally have that! You're dying
inside! Actually your hands are go ing to fall off from all the
pressing! But seriously, press the spacebar gingerly and without
repetitive stress, or RSI can be yours, truly. FALSE! DOUBLE FALSE! I
was kidding! Hehe

70

but really. Quotes around the whole thing.

Warning: If you try to do crazytimes stuff like have multi different
computer devices all pushing spacebars at the same account at the same
simultaneous, then you might lose record of some spacebars. Don't do
that. It's crazy!

Hippies must turn on Javascript.

Y^{ou can press spacebar all day and night, as far as}

I'm concerned, but the best strategies probably in volve doing a bit
each day until you get pretty sick of it. 3,226 spaces a day will get
you to 100,000 just

on time. The graphs help you see how you've been performing on a daily
basis and what your pace needs to be for the rest of the national
month, in order to reach the goal, pro-rated based on how much you've
done. This thing is totally fancy. Also if you have the home page
open, you can watch the progress of yourself and your "friends", and
the numbers just like change right before your eyes like some kind of
fucking wizard did that.
O^{h by the way, I wanted to point out a little funny mys}
tery here which was curious. Take a looksee at Figure 2.

{width="4.139527559055118in"
height="0.7484755030621172in"}

Figure 2: Someone has taken a comb filter to our spacebars. What is
that about?

71

What we have here, muffin, is the distribution of intervals between
space pushes in one practice session of pushing by the author.² What
the f ? We see the expected Gaussian distri bution centered around 200
milliseconds. We also see fairly in explicable regularly-spaced gaps
in the otherwise pretty nicely shaped bell curve: A gap of 202
milliseconds occurs about a hundred times, 203 milliseconds about 20,
204 milliseconds only 4, 205 milliseconds only 6, then back up to 90
times for 206 ms. Why no love for milliseconds 204 & 205? It's like
even though my spacebar presses have some random variance in them cen
tered around the mean, there is much less randomness in the lowest
digit. That don't make no sense, sugar, which is to say that it does
not make sense. At least for a moment and then you realize there's
probably some discretization thingy going on inside the Chrome browser
that causes events to be more likey to be processed at certain times
at certain interval-intervals which is not that disturbing after all,
except that it also happens in the Safari browser? This may be a
mystery that we never solve, candypants, and that's just how the world
works sometimes.

In th^{is paperwork, I told the tale}

of NaMoOfPuSp, in an attempt

to engage you in its competitive

spirit. Combining compressive

art movements like NaNoWriMo and Album-a-Day with the
increment-operator-based gameplay of World of Warcraft and Battlefield
3 (themselves popular topics of NaNoWriMo and Album-a-Day works), the
National Month of Pushing Spacebar provides a way to achieve your
creative dreams without actu

²Don't get worried. Although the author is participating in this
year's NaMoOfPuSp, and expects to whoop all y'all, he is not starting
early or nuthin', he's just workin' out the kinks in the web-site.
Everybody starts from scratch at the beginning of the National Month.

72

ally being creative, a way as fresh as celery from the crisper &
princes of Bel-Air. So let's get on with it! Right now, even while you
read this, you could be pressing spacebar. And who knows, maybe you
could be the next whatever that chick is that wrote Twilight, or John
Cage? It's never too late to join! (Unless it's after April 30, 2012.)

You can't click, but you could type:

http://national.month.of.pushing.spacebar.org/

Only you, or perhaps someone with your druthers, can pre vent forest
fires.

73

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