The 2012 Lyttle Lytton Contest#
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The 2012 Winners
Agent Jeffrey’s trained eyes rolled carefully around the room, taking in the sights and sounds.
Bang! As the bullet hit her ear, she felt an excruciating pain, as if her ear were screaming into itself.
Tanner Swett
There were hundreds upon hundreds of entries that revolved around a simile (including the “Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup” one, as if I would be unfamiliar with a “worst analogies” list that’s been kicking around for years). “As if her ear were screaming into itself” was the best.
She had the kind of face that made you want to say hey, look at your face.
Clara Weinstein
“I’m a winner,” thought Seabiscuit, galloping across the finish line.
K. M. Lewis
“There was to be boxing,” Steve muttered. “Punch, punch, punch.”
Daniel Heddendorf
Wrapping up the runners-up—I admit that I don’t know what would be the best way to address the narrator’s conversational partner in the following exchange, but this probably isn’t it:
I parted her legs with great solemnity. “Hello old friend,” I whispered.
Matt Lunn
On to the honorable mentions! It can be hard to know where to start with these… I guess the most honorable of the honorable mentions are those that not only capture a moment, but really do try to suggest a whole novel to come that you would not want to read:
As I approached the dairy aisle, wondering what milk to buy, I remembered my doctor suggested a low fat milk, so I purchased skim milk.
Dylan Koenig
I think one of the things I like about that one is that while the repetition is not self-conscious, it’s still enough to make the reader think, “Please stop saying ‘milk’.”
Dolly looked upon her paper expeditiously then elevated up her pencil. She had now commenced not only a race against the clock, but a race to get the best mark ever in the class.
Heather C.
Wow. He was firmly mesmerized by her bright blue eyes that complemented her blue floral dress.
anonymous
Her golden hair bounced in the breeze like farm-fresh honey flowing from a jar.
Linda Nathaniel
The moon shone like a star, while tears of heaven rained the sky.
Dominikus Plaschg
Possibly funnier to stop after “star” (brevity being the soul of wit, or at least of this contest), but it’s still pretty punchy even with both clauses.
A lone plastic grocery bag fluttered in the breeze, like a sail without a boat.
Janet Wanstrath
This isn’t quite as bad as the similar speech in American Beauty, but then what could be?
She was really really hot, her breast like flames to my heart and mind.
Edgar Cruz
Which brings us back to the love stories.
Today was the night where our love was to be consummated, by making love.
Jhonatan Arteaga
Albert Einstein claimed that the only universal constant is light. However, Einstein never witnessed the power of Vittoria Lionheart’s love.
Alex Hennessey
Sadly, love stories don’t always work out for everyone involved:
“Do you still love me, John?” I asked. “I don’t love you, Marie,” came the reply from the letter I held in my shaking hands.
David Hewitson
Poor Marie. People deal with trauma in different ways, of course; some fall into depression:
Even as I leaned on the lamppost, the sadness of my heart could not be brightened.
Kirsten Walther
Others succumb to anger.
It was the worst possible news he could have received. He howled an inarticulate howl of rage, and threw the various decorations on his mahogany desk all across the small room.
Daniel Strowe
The anger response seems to be especially common in the sword-and-sorcery genre.
Gramlax the Mighty raised his broadsword overhead and swung it mightily, roaring, “You fellows will certainly pay!”
Peter Craig
Kaldor fondled the hilt of his sword with his lanky fingers and inhaled the sunrise. “I taste the future blood of my enemies,” he relished.
Cassandra Tse
Our last honorable mention from the fantasy genre:
Melissae’s ears, which ears were long and pointed on account of her proud elfin heritage, were perked up.
Dan Bruno
The reiteration of the word “ears” does a lot of the heavy lifting here. And here’s one that works almost entirely because of the inclusion of one extraneous word:
Robert woke up in a hospital bed and he couldn’t remember the criminal man he had just killed moments before.
Kat Palacios
This one succeeds on the back of its scare quotes:
My pen allowed me to write this tale, your eyes to read it, your mind to “get it”.
Ken Ullsperger
Speaking of “getting it”, it seems that every year there’s an entry that makes the list of honorable mentions based on the “…whut?” factor:
Just as we were moving from the wedding to the reception, Mother demanded, “Show me by the way that you dance that you are.”
Rachel Kelly
On the other hand, sometimes an entry arrives that clearly could only work once. That is certainly the case here:
Stephen knew today felt wrong, as he listened to “Heart Cooks Brain”, by the band “Modest Mouse”, from the album “Lonesome Crowded West”.
Max Peake
The cat sat in silence on the window sill, doing catlike things while watching his owner tend to the makings of supper.
Linda Dao
I love the implication that the author can’t think of anything more specific for the cat to do than “catlike things”.
Sheila woke up instantly; it was that dream again—the one with the face, and the man, with the face.
Sean Jorgensen
It was August 2009. On this sunny morning, Lake Como was a picture of tranquility, a striking contrast to the turbulence of the global apparel industry.
HBR Case: VF Brands: Global Supply Chain Strategy
quoted by Sophia Lowe
I have been married to my wife Janice for 38 years. We have four daughters and have been blessed with twelve grandchildren. I can relate to individual and family issues.
flyer for David Dorward, Conservative candidate for Edmonton-Gold Bar
quoted by Ian Waddell
However, I soon found that a lot of people wanted to highlight sentences from actual novels and other fictional works that they found particularly atrocious. This year I had almost the entirety of Twilight quoted to me by various entrants. I elected to choose one honorable mention from this group, and this one struck me as the most fitting:
I awakened with renewed hope that I grimly tried to suppress.
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
quoted by Tracey Pennington
Internet posts are also a popular source of Found entries:
In interacting with Japanese women, I noticed something.
a Something Awful post
quoted anonymously
As are people remembering their friends’ attempts to try their hand at storytelling:
In the Land of Wasteland, there lived a city called Sand City.
an entry in a writing contest
quoted by Andrew Laskowski
As links to Lyttle Lytton were posted on various social networks over the course of the past year, I was interested to read that quite a few people initially found the contest mean-spirited, but changed their minds when they learned that the vast majority of entries are written for the contest and that the Found division is subordinate. This was quite a contrast to the guy who interviewed me for a BBC program, who didn’t care for the original entries at all and was only interested in the “find and showcase bad professional writing” aspect. Which brings me to this year’s winner of the Found division. When I saw this, I couldn’t believe it, and sure enough, when I read up on it, it turned out to be tongue-in-cheek. For a moment I thought that should disqualify it for the Found division, since the author is in on the joke… but then I thought, wait, what’s wrong with that? The point of this contest isn’t to make fun of anyone, but to find that sweet spot of “intentional unintentional comedy”, and this certainly qualifies. So, the winner of this year’s Found division:
I draw a hot sorrow bath in my despair room.
Ode to Happiness by Keanu Reeves
quoted by Katherine Morayati
And that concludes the 2012 Lyttle Lytton Contest. Thanks to everyone who entered; as noted, keeping this list to a reasonable size meant that many worthy submissions couldn’t be included. If your entry wasn’t selected, please do try again! Maybe next year you, like Seabiscuit, will have occasion to think, “I’m a winner.”
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