Sigbovik 2010#
A Record of The Proceedings of SIGBOVIK 2010
April 1st, 2010
Carnegie Mellon University
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA*
*now available with 10% more healthcare
I
ach Association for
Computational Heresy
Advancing Computing as Tomfoolery & Distraction
--- or ---
Hey, Kids, Get Off My Lawn
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II
A Message
From The Organizing Committee
We are honored, delighted, excited, and amused to present to you this,
the record of the Fourth Annual Intercalary Workshop about Symposium
on Robot Dance Party of Conference in Celebration of Harry Q. Bovik's
(26)th birthday. And what a wonderful fourth year it's been!
SIGBOVIK is exactly as strong as ever, with exactly more or less
precisely the same number of papers submitted and accepted as last
year.In the truest echo of the ideals underlying SIGBOVIK, it's been a
landmark year for collaboration, with vastly more papers by multiple
authors, many of them based on multi-person projects, some of them
dangerously close to resembling serious research. At the far end of
high collaboration, this year's program includes the first ever
SIGBOVIK paper with more than ten authors! Let us hope that the
glorious tradition of comradely camera-ready camaraderie continues
without end. Thank you all for making SIGBOVIK the indescribable
something that it is.As in past years, we have taken the liberty of dividing the
proceedings into coherent subject specific tracks for the purposes of
easy access and clarity of reference. This process always involves a
certain amount of favoritism and unfairness, though, as some papers
must appear in the coveted early tracks of the program while other
papers necessarily occupy the inevitable but unenviable role of
filling out the final track. But denizens of Academia, friends of
Bovik, fear not! In order to combat this rampant unjustness, we have
chosen *not* to order the tracks this year: to us, every track is
Track 1! The Track 1s appear in a random order unique to each copy of
the proceedings, as guaranteed by the following true random number
generator:fun rand () = 100 (* chosen by random.org, using noises from the
atmosphere!; guaranteed to be truly random,and if you don't believe it, then maybe you
just don't know what it means to be random,
'cause you know, people aren't very good at
being random or understanding randomness or anything like that, so
yeah.. *)Next year, we hope to continue our experimental journey into
objectivity with double-blind submissions: by not knowing just which
conference you're submitting to, you guarantee more fairness for
everyone!
III
As if organizing SIGBOVIK wasn't exciting enough, this year also
marked the SIGBOVIK's first ever
complete-server-downtime-during-the-seriously-final-submission-deadline.
The issue was noted around 6 pm Wasilla time, just a quarter day
before submissions closed, at which point the entirety of the SIGBOVIK
Committee for Deadline Uptime excitedly jumped into action! A flurry
of email(s) was sent to Computer Club Central, the organization which
generously hosts SIGBOVIK's servers, to little observable effect.
Thanks though to the ingeniously heroic actions of the spontaneously
formed SIGBOVIK Task Force on Publicizing the EasyChair Submission
URL, submissions were almost entirely unaffected. (Whew!)And so, without further ado, we proudly present SIGBOVIK 2010; may it
enlighten and inspire! Enjoy responsibly.Sincerely,
The SIGBOVIK 2010 Organizing Committee
IV
Table of Contents
Track 1: Correspondence Theory
О An Algorithm for Erdos-Bacon Number Minimization
..............................................3
Charles Garrod, Maria Klawe, Iain Matthews, Laura Trutoiu et al.О Classical Modal Logic: the magic of music, judgementally
reconstructed .................5 William LovasО The Church-Monk Isomorphism
.................................................................................11
David RenshawО DPS Conversion: A New Paradigm in Higher-Order Compilation
.............................13 Ben BlumTrack 1: Hypertext
О DeltaX: A New Paradigm for Machine Translation
.....................................................19
Greg HannemanО System Description: Google Ghost
.............................................................................25
Robert J. Simmons, Brian R. HirshmanО The Next 700 Intuitionistic Linear Logics
..................................................................29
Lea Albaugh, William Lovas, Tom Murphy VII, Jason ReedО Harnessing Human Computation: β-reduction hero
....................................................33
Akiva LeffertО The Dissatisfactory Doily: Generating Your Own Terrible Towel
Rip-Off .................41 Nels E. BeckmanО You Keep Dying
..........................................................................................................43
Dr. Tom Murphy VII Ph.D.О Human Computation Method for Generating High Impact Research Papers
.............45 Laura Trutoiu, Erik Zawadzki, Leigh Ann Sudol, J
Marlow et al.О On a lexicographic ordering in spring
.........................................................................51
McCall and Sons
V
Track 1: Defeating Evil
О The Generalized Cubic Law of Nature: An Answer to Oneism Evil
...........................57 Thomas WrightО Are you GOD?
.............................................................................................................61
Anvesh KomuravelliО Holy States Can Save the World!
................................................................................67
Brother Jonathan AldrichО Simple Systems: A Holistic, Postmodern Alternative to the yadda
yadda yadda ........71 Mayank LahiriО A crowdsourced approach to proving robot uprising safety
........................................75 Thomas D.
LaTozaTrack 1: Advanced Technology in a Magical and Revolutionary Device
at an Unbelievable PriceО A Simplified Interface for Basic Computer Tasks
.......................................................81
Jim McCannО T*Y*T* Fails to Solve the Halting Problem
...............................................................83
Wile Tru Do, N.R. Jaizer-BunnyО Developing an Algorithm for "Enhance" Functionality in Image
Processing .............85 Ben BlumО Hyperbolic Rendering for Result Enhancement
..........................................................91
Sajme N'NcamcО The Box and Circles Plot: a Tool for Research Comparison
.......................................95 John Thomas
LongwoodО Department Productivity in Computer Science as a Ratio of Gender
Diversity .........99 Leigh Ann SudolTrack 1: Productivity, We Say Ironically
О Functional Perl: Programming with Recursion Schemes in Python
............................105 Robert J. Simmons, Nels E.
Beckman, Dr. Tom Murphy VII, Ph.D.О First Year Student's Thoughts on Reflections on Bovik's Seminal
Work: ..................111 Athula Balachandran, Richard Peng,
Wolfgang Richter
VI
О Feasibility Analysis of Cooking Spaghetti with Meatballs
.........................................113 Ben BlumО Cataloging
....................................................................................................................115
Leigh Ann Sudol, Ciera JaspanО A novel approach to managing information overload in syndicated feed
readers .......119 Matt MetsО "Pimp My Library" Is An Affront To Pimpers Of The World, Everywhere
................121 Dr. Donna M. Malayeri, PhDО Computation in the Complex Time Plane
....................................................................123
Matthew RodriguezTrack 1: Perplexity Theory
О The Reviewers Must Be Crazy: A Plea For Sanity in Peer Review
............................129 C. J. DeereО FAIL-Talk: Fully Automatic Incomprehensible Language Talks
................................135 Alga RhythmО An Analysis and Redesign of the Evacuation Instructions in an Office
Building .......139 I. B. Gone, U. CowerО All my friends' researches are cooler than mine
.........................................................143
Chris A. MaphoneО How to successfully prevent the flow of information in research
presentations .........145 Kami VanieaО An Alternate Construction Method for the Surreal Numbers
......................................153 Jim McCannО The first paper on SAMIR - ANVESH
........................................................................155
SAMIR Sapra, ANVESH KomuravelliО The second paper on SAMIR - ANVESH
...................................................................157
SAMIR Sapra, ANVESH KomuravelliО The third and the last paper on SAMIR - ANVESH
...................................................159
SAMIR Sapra, ANVESH Komuravelli
VII
VIII
Track 1
Correspondence Theory О CORRESPONDING AUTHORS
ach
An Algorithm for Erdos-Bacon Number Minimization
.................3 Charles Garrod, Maria Klawe, Iain Matthews,
Laura Trutoiu, Edilson de Aguilar, Michael Ashley-Rollman, Harry Q.
Bovik, Joanna Bresee, Jeff Carlson, Mark Desnoyer, Michael Dinitz,
Owen Durni, Jack Ferris, Ron Garcia, Robert Harper, Benoit Hudson,
Greg Humphreys, Michelle Hutton, Kelli Ireland, Katrina Ligett, Ciera
Jaspan, Jennifer Marlow, Davin McCall, James L. McCann, Roman Mitz,
Iulian Moraru, Amar Phanishayee, David Reed, Jason Reed, Margaret
Reid-Miller, Kathryn Rivard, Or Sheffet, Daniel D. Sleator, Ekaterina
Spriggs, Matthew L. Stanton, Mark J. Stehlik, Megan Thorsen, Vijay
Vasudevan, Kevin Waugh, Erik ZawadzkiО THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF CORRESPONDENCE Classical
Modal Logic: the magic of music,judgementally reconstructed
..........................................................5
William LovasО 'ROUND CORRESPONDENCE
The Church-Monk Isomorphism
....................................................11
David RenshawО CORREPWNDENCE
DPS Conversion: A New Paradigm in Higher-Order
Compilation....................................................................................13
Ben Blum1
2
An Algorithm for Erdos-Bacon Number Minimization
Charles Garrod
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Laura Trutoiu
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Harry Q. Bovik
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Mark Desnoyer
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Jack Ferris
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Benoˆıt Hudson
Autodesk Canada, Montreal ´ Montreal, Canada ´
Kelli Ireland
University of Pittsburgh Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Jennifer Marlow
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Roman Mitz
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
David Reed
Creighton University
Omaha, NE 68178
Kathryn Rivard
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Ekaterina Spriggs Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Maria Klawe
Harvey Mudd College
Claremont, CA 91711
Edilson de Aguilar
Disney Research, Pittsburgh Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Joanna Bresee
NASA Ames Research Center Mountain View, CA 94043
Michael Dinitz
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Ron Garcia
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Greg Humphreys
NVIDIA Corporation
Katrina Ligett
Cornell University
Ithaca, NY 14850
Davin McCall
La Trobe University
Melbourne, Australia
Iulian Moraru
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Jason Reed
University of Pennsylvania Philadelphia, PA 19104
Or Sheffet
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Matthew L. Stanton Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Iain Matthews
Disney Research, Pittsburgh Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Michael Ashley-Rollman Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Jeff Carlson
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Owen Durni
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Robert Harper
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Michelle Hutton
The Girls Middle School Mountain View, CA 94043
Ciera Jaspan
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
James L. McCann Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Amar Phanishayee Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Margaret Reid-Miller Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Daniel D. Sleator
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Mark J. Stehlik
Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Megan Thorsen
Sunnyvale, CA 94087
Kevin Waugh
Carnegie Mellon University
Pittsburgh, PA 15213
ABSTRACT
Vijay Vasudevan
Carnegie Mellon University
Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Erik Zawadzki
Carnegie Mellon University
Pittsburgh, PA 15213
cult. In this paper we propose Erd˝os Number Minimiza
A small Erd˝os number has long been a source of pride for
mathematicians. With Paul Erd˝os's death, however, ob taining an Erd˝os
number less than two has become diffi
tion, reducing the Erd˝os number of many mathematicians and computer
scientists to two. Although we do not prove the claim, we believe that
the Erd˝os number we obtain is op
3
timal without significant biological or paranormal advances. We extend
ENM with Bacon Number Reduction, a non optimal variant to reduce Bacon
numbers, obtaining small but non-minimal Erd˝os-Bacon numbers.
1. INTRODUCTION
From his birth in 1913 to his death in 1996, Paul Erd˝os co-authored
nearly 1500 papers, working with nearly 500 collaborators to become the
most prolific mathematician in modern times [5]. This proliferation
led mathematicians to humorously define Erd˝os numbers: a person's
Erd˝os number is the distance between that person and Paul Erd˝os in the
academic paper collaboration graph [4]. I.e., Paul Erd˝os is the
unique person with Erd˝os number zero; all of Erd˝os's immediate
collaborators have Erd˝os number one; in general, if you publish an
academic paper with a collaborator who has Erd˝os number x and none of
your other collaborators has Erd˝os number less than x, your Erd˝os
number is x + 1. A similar Bacon number has been proposed for actor
Kevin Bacon, except using collaborations in movies instead of
collaborations in academic papers. Erd˝os-Bacon numbers were
subsequently defined to be the sum of each person's Erd˝os and Bacon
numbers.
Obtaining a small Erd˝os number has become increasingly difficult since
Erd˝os's death, but mathematicians with chutz pah have continued to
publish papers with Erd˝os after his death; this brings his total number
of known publications to 1525, his collaborator count to 511, and the
Erd˝os number of the chutzpah-bearing mathematician to one. The latest
publications co-written with Paul Erd˝os appeared more than ten years
after his death, and with additional rumored works in progress, Erd˝os's
publication list is expected to grow.
In this paper, we describe a technique called Erd˝os Num ber
Minimization (ENM). Although we do not prove the claim, we believe
that, without significant biological or para normal advances, ENM is
optimal for mathematicians who have been unable to work with Erd˝os in
the past. We supple ment ENM with a similar but non-optimal Bacon
Number Reduction algorithm to obtain ENM+BNR.2. ERDOS NUMBER MINIMIZATION ✷.
3. BACON NUMBER REDUCTION See [6] for more information.
4. EVALUATION OF ENM+BNR In [3], Maria Klawe co-authored with Paul
Erd˝os, thus guaranteeing that all authors on this paper have an
Erd˝os number no greater than two. Additionally, Iain Matthews
appeared in [2] with Sigourney Weaver, who appeared in [1] with
Harry Connick Jr., who appeared in [7] with Kevin Bacon. By [6],
all collaborators on this paper also appear in the movie credits about
the paper and thus have a Ba con number no greater than four, making
their Erd˝os-Bacon number no greater than six.5. CONCLUSIONS
In this paper, we propose Erd˝os Number Minimization (ENM), an algorithm
to minimize Erd˝os numbers for au thors unable to collaborate with Paul
Erd˝os. We extend
ENM with Bacon Number Reduction (BNR), a non-optimal algorithm to
reduce Bacon numbers to obtain ENM+BNR, and algorithm that
significantly reduces Erd˝os-Bacon num bers. Finally, we apply ENM+BNR
to obtain Erd˝os-Bacon numbers no greater than six.6. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This paper was most definitely not authored by Luis von Ahn, David G.
Andersen, Alexei Efros, Michelle Goodstein, Raffay Hamid, Mike Mistry,
Don Sheehy, Robert Simmons, or Ronit Slyper.7. REFERENCES
[1] Ann Biderman and David Madsen. Copycat, 1995.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112722/.[2] James Cameron. Avatar, 2009.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0499549/.
[3] Paul Erd˝os, Frank Harary, and Maria Klawe. Residually complete
graphs. In Proc. Sympos. Combinatorial Mathematics and Optimal
Design, pages 117--123, Colorado State University, Fort Collins,
Colorado, 1978.[4] Caspar Goffman. What is your Erd˝os number? The American
Mathematical Monthly, 76(7):791, 1969. [5] Jerry Grossman, Patrick
Ion, and Rodrigo De Castro. Erd˝os number project, 2010.[6] Iain Matthews, Laura Trutoiu, Charles Garrod, and Maria Klawe et
al. Bacon Number Reduction, 2010. http://tinyurl.com/ENM+BNR.[7] Willie Morris and Gail Gilchriest. My Dog Skip, 2000.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0156812/.
4
Classical Modal Logic
the magic of music,
judgementally reconstructed
William Lovas
March 21, 2010
Abstract
♩ The hills are alive... with the sound of music.
1 Introduction
Typically, musicians concern themselves with just one or two notions
of music, in the absolute. Modal music is a generalization of
traditional music in which we can consider music from multiple
perspectives, or modes. In fact, modal music dates back to the
antiquities, and so we may more properly speak of classical modal
music. In what follows, we develop a logic for classical modal music
based around a glorious and perfect septuality of seven different
modal judgements.2 The Logic of Classical Modes: Judgements
Ordinary intuitionistic logic is typically concerned with the
judgement A true, meaning that the proposition A is true. Classical
modal logic is a multimodal logic [Ree09] based on seven judgements,
each one representing one of the clas sical modes:• C ionian --- C has the Ionian (or "major") mode
• D dorian --- D has the Dorian mode
• E phrygian --- E has the Phrygian mode
• F lydian --- F has the Lydian mode
• G mixolydian --- G has the Mixolydian mode
• A aeolian --- A has the Aeolian (or "minor") mode
• B locrian --- B has the Locrian mode
5
ΓΔΘΛΞΠΣΦΨΩ
Figure 1: Greek letters appropriate for use as logical contexts.
Since each of these judgements may appear on both the left- and the
right hand side of a sequent, we split the usual context into seven
zones, one for each modal judgement. A difficulty presents itself in
choosing appropriate names for the contexts, as there are only 10
capital Greek letters that are not written identically as some Roman
capital letter1 (see Figure 2). We make the obvious choices for the
Dorian (Δ), Phrygian (Φ), and Lydian (Λ) contexts. Mixolydian with its
infixed x gets as its context the Greek letter Ξ. The usual ordinary
or "major" mode, Ionian, gets the usual ordinary context, Γ. The
Aeolian or "minor" mode gets Σ, which looks kind of like a sideways
"M". And finally, the highly unstable and notoriously
difficult-to-resolve Locrian mode is represented by Ω, a symbol which
calls to mind non-termination and inconsistency. The three remaining
unused Greek letters (Θ, Π, and Ψ) are left to future work.Classical modal logic thus involves sequents of the form:
Γ; Δ; Φ; Λ; Ξ; Σ; Ω J
for J one of the seven modal judgements, and where
Γ = C1 ionian,...,Ci ionian
Δ = D1 dorian,...,Dj dorian
Φ = E1 phrygian,...,Ek phrygian
Λ = F1 lydian,...,Fl lydian
Ξ = G1 mixolydian,...,Gm mixolydian
Σ = A1 aeolian,...,An aeolian
Ω = B1 locrian,...,Bλ locrian
This excessively complex sequent is in keeping with the classical
nature of the logic: classical music is serious business!We want to be able to make inferences like:
Γ; Δ; Φ; Λ; Ξ; Σ; Ω C ionian
Γ; Δ; Φ; Λ; Ξ; Σ; Ω D dorian
Therefore, in addition to the usual hypothetical reasoning principles,
we have judgemental principles corresponding to the glorious
septuality.Principle 1 (Septuality) For all notes N, modes m, and natural numbers
k: Γ; Δ; Φ; Λ; Ξ; Σ; Ω N m if and only if Γ; Δ; Φ; Λ; Ξ; Σ; Ω (N +7
k) (m +7 k). where the transposition operator +7 is defined in the
obviously canonical way.1excluding the obsolete letters digamma, qoppa, san, and sampi, most
of which are un available in LATEX.
6
{width="4.043500656167979in"
height="3.0443339895013124in"}Figure 2: The Ciiiiiiiiircle... the
Circle of Fifths!3 Circle of Fifths
The Principle of Septuality hints at the deep symmetries of classical
modal music, brought out by the Circle of Fifths (Figure 2). To
internalize the notion of transposition, we introduce the connective
N, read "transpose N".Γ; Δ; Φ; Λ; Ξ; Σ; Ω N (m +7 1)
Γ; Δ; Φ; Λ; Ξ; Σ; Ω N m IΓ; Δ; Φ; Λ; Ξ; Σ; Ω N m
Γ; Δ; Φ; Λ; Ξ; Σ; Ω N (m +7 1) E
But of course, a circle goes both ways, so as is traditional in modal
logics, we also have the backward-looking dual connective N, read
"untranspose N".Γ; Δ; Φ; Λ; Ξ; Σ; Ω N (m −7 1)
Γ; Δ; Φ; Λ; Ξ; Σ; Ω N m IΓ; Δ; Φ; Λ; Ξ; Σ; Ω N m
Γ; Δ; Φ; Λ; Ξ; Σ; Ω N (m −7 1) E
where, again, the untransposition operator −7 is completely
standard. The rules for both connectives are easily seen to be locally
sound and com plete. But more interestingly, the connectives lend
themselves easily to a clear axiomatic characterization. The first
axiom internalizes the Principle of Septu ality,
N ≡ N
that is to say, is 7-involutive. The second and third axioms capture
the notion that transposition and untransposition are mutually
inverse,
N ≡ N ≡ N
7
4 Future Directions
4.1 Relationships with Other Logics
It is well-known that the intuitionistic modal logic S4 [PD01] has
exactly seven distinct generalized modalities: ·, , , , , , and . An
obvious direction of future work would be to connect these seven
modalities to the seven modal judgements of our classical modal music
logic.4.2 Other Connectives
Generalizing from our experience with modern music, we might infer the
exis tence of connectives N and N , some instances of which would have
interpre tations "between the modes", with the following axiomatic
characterizations:
(N ) ≡ N
(N ) ≡ N
along with rules likeN phrygian
N lydian
An obvious question to ask is just what modal judgemental principles
would these connectives correspond to? How could they be
"externalized" as judge ments in a globally sound and complete way?Of course, for algebraic completeness, we would want to include the
identity or "natural" connective N , whereN ≡ N
which derives semantically from the well-known categorical notion:
G
F
η ✲
F♩
❄ η
✲
G♩
❄
G
F
8
4.3 Proof Theory
A rich and expressive proof theory cries out to be invented2 in
which proofs are compositions and proof checking is harmoniousness
validation. Naturally, this proof theory should be amenable to
canonical forms [WCPW02, Bac47c].4.4 Classical Classical Modal Logic
In this paper we cover the intuitionistic variant of classical modal
logic, but one could easily consider a multiple-conclusion style
classical variant. The chief difficulty is coming up with enough Greek
letters to round out the zones, since as explained in Section 2, the
present work leaves only 3 suitable letters. One rather pedestrian
option would be to leverage subscripts:ΓL; ΔL; ΦL; ΛL; ΞL; ΣL; ΩL =⇒ ΓR; ΔR; ΦR; ΛR;
ΞR; ΣR; ΩR(Yawn.) A more creative option would be to press into service the 4
canonical obsolete Greek letters, digamma, qoppa, san, and sampi,
bringing the total unused letters to a perfect 7 --- a tempting
coincidence! But unfortunately, these letters are difficult to
typeset, and in any case bear little connection to the logical content
of the seven zones.So a cleverer alternative would be to use very powerful typesetting
features to allow us to reuse our carefully chosen seven contexts
while clearly distinguishing the "false" ones from the "true" ones:Γ; Δ; Φ; Λ; Ξ; Σ; Ω Γ; Δ; Φ; Λ; Ξ; Σ; Ω
An advantage of this notation is that sequents may be read either
right-side up or upside-down, left-to-right or right-to-left, a trick
used to great comic effect by musical artists such as Borge [Bor90]
and Bach [Bac47b, Bac47a] and computer scientists such as Hofstadter
[Hof79] and Mairson [Mai05].Finally, a third option would be to follow in the footsteps of many
presenta tions of classical linear logic [Gir87], which leverage
duality to halve the number of required zones, and find some way of
leveraging septuality, a concept seven times more powerful, to shrink
the size of a classical modal sequent.
5 Coda 
{width="0.22766622922134733in"
height="0.24266622922134734in"}
If modals be the logic of love, calculemus!
{width="0.5609995625546806in"
height="0.5576662292213473in"}2"Discovered." --- Ruy Ley-Wild
9
References
[Bac47a] Johann Sebastian Bach. Canon 1, a 2 cancrizans ("crab
canon"). In The Musical Offering [Bac47c].[Bac47b] Johann Sebastian Bach. Canon 9, Quærendo Invenietis. In The
Musical Offering [Bac47c].[Bac47c] Johann Sebastian Bach. The Musical Offering. BWV 1079. July
1747.[Bor90] Victor Borge. William Tell backwards. In The Best of Victor
Borge: Act One & Two. GMZ Productions, 1990. Available from
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuWUp1M-vuM.[Gir87] Jean-Yves Girard. Linear logic. Theoretical Computer
Science, 50:1--102, 1987.[Hof79] Douglas R. Hofstadter. Crab canon. In G¨odel, Escher, Bach:
an Eternal Golden Braid, pages 199--203. Basic Books, New York, 1979.[Mai05] Harry Mairson. Constructive classical logic. POP Seminar at
Carnegie Mellon University (http://www.cs.cmu.edu/afs/.cs.
cmu.edu/Web/Groups/pop/seminar/050315.html), March 2005.[PD01] Frank Pfenning and Rowan Davies. A judgmental reconstruction
of modal logic. Mathematical Structures in Computer Science, 11:511--
540, 2001. Notes to an invited talk at the Workshop on Intuition istic
Modal Logics and Applications (IMLA'99), Trento, Italy, July 1999.[Ree09] Jason Reed. A judgmental deconstruction of modal logic.
Avail able from http://www.cs.cmu.edu/∼jcreed/papers/jdml.pdf,
January 2009. Revised and redacted at http://www.cs.cmu.edu/
∼jcreed/papers/jdml2.pdf, May 2009.[WCPW02] Kevin Watkins, Iliano Cervesato, Frank Pfenning, and David
Walker. A concurrent logical framework I: Judgments and proper ties.
Technical Report CMU-CS-02-101, Department of Computer Science,
Carnegie Mellon University, 2002. Revised May 2003.
10
The Church-Monk Isomorphism
David Renshaw
"All musicians are subconsciously mathematicians." ---Thelonious Monk
"And vice versa." ---Alonzo Church
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height="2.2176673228346457in"}
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height="2.2168339895013123in"}
{width="3.5026662292213473in"
height="2.1726662292213472in"}
Church's Thesis: (∀x.∃y.φ(x, y)) → (∃f.∀x.∃y u.*T(*f, x, y, u)
∧ φ(x, y)) Monk's Mood:
{width="3.011833989501312in"
height="0.453500656167979in"}References
[1] W. Lovas. Classical Modal Logic: the magic of music, judgementally
reconstructed. SIGBOVIK 2010.
[2] D. Renshaw. The Davis-Davies Isomorphism. To appear (maybe). 11
ach sigbovik 2009Plenary Program Committee
Confidential Paper Reviews
Paper 3: The Church-Monk Isomorphism
Reviewer 1: Jeffrey Renshaw
Rating: 3 (strong accept)
Confidence: ¾
What a remarkable coincidence that I was asked to review this paper!
Just the other day I was ponder ing some deep connections between Karl
Marx and Karl Goldmark. David's paper brilliantly elucidates many
ideas that I had been struggling to grasp. It looks like we're on to
something big here. Apparent ly, isomorphisms are far more common than
was previously believed. I eagerly anticipate future work in this
direction.
12
DPS Conversion: A New Paradigm in Higher-Order Compilation
Ben Blum (bblum@andrew.cmu.edu)
2010.04.01
1 Abstract
This paper introduces a new judgment and accompanying system of rules
for use in some higher-order compilation stages that allows reduction
of noobs into more damaged noobs, and finally conversion into gibs.
The translation is done by repeated applications of damage-per-second
(DPS), which we denote dps. The primary judgment is Γ*,* dps noob ↓
gibs, which is mostly useful only in first-person shooter or MMO
cases. We provide a proof for local soundness and completeness, and
finally an example usage case.2 Definitions
In certain situations, we come across constructs of the following form
that we wish to DPS-convert.noob ::= ×n[hp : int*,...* ]
dps ::= ROCKET | AWP | SPELLCASTER | SWORD | ... |
HEADSHOT[dps] | × [dps*,* dps] gibs ::=• The rest of the components of noob are system-specific. All we
care about is the noob's hp total.• Note that the final construct in the dps definition represents
that damage can be dealt from multiple sources at a time, and we are
only concerned about the total.3 Rules
We set forth a series of rules for performing the following
conversion:
dps a int (1)
Γ*,* dps noob noob (2)
Γ*,* dps noob ↓ gibs (3)
We assume standard arithmetic operations +, −, and ∗, and let Γ =
| Γ*,* dps.1. The a judgment tells us how much damage a given dps does. The
exact implementation of these rules may vary by system; we present an
example.
ROCKETa25 AWPa15 SPELLCASTERa8 SWORDa10
HEADSHOT[δ]a3 ∗ α*boom.*headshotδ1a*α*1 δ2a*α*2
[δ*a*α]{.underline}
×[δ1, δ2]a*α*1 + α2multiple*.*dps 13
2. This rule tells when the amount of dps presently given is not
sufficient for reducing the noob to gibs. Applications of this rule
are guided by how much dps is in the context.Γ ν ν δ*a*α π1ν − α > 0
Γ*, δ ν* ×n[π1ν − α, π2ν ,...,πnν ]
not*.dead.*yet ν ν insufficient*.*dakka
3. This judgment represents the end case in DPS conversion. These
rules are similarly inductive on the context.
Γ*, δ ν ↓ lol.*pwnedΓ ν ↓
Γ*, δ ν ↓*overkill
3.1 Soundness
Γ ν ν δ*a*α π1ν − α ≤ 0
Each class of dps obviously makes some sound, proportional to the
amount of damage it does. For example, using ROCKET obviously makes a
loud explosion, while a HEADSHOT would cause the player to shout out
in excitement. Therefore, to ensure soundness, you should do the most
DPS possible.3.2 Completeness
As a wise man once said [1], "Any problem is solvable with
sufficient firepower." This serves as an inductive proof that every
noob will eventually be reduced to gibs with enough dps.4 Future Work
The DPS Conversion system as presented only cares about the hp total
of noobs. A more advanced system would be able to handle healers and
tanks. In the former case, certain abilities could cause the noob's hp
to increase in addition to decreasing during a derivation. The latter
case makes relevant the other elements of the noob tuple - in addition
to hp, a noob might perhaps have spell resistance which would negate
DPS from a SPELLCASTER. A new version of DPS would be able to
generalize such abilities and include their effects in the conversion
process.5 Conclusion
We provide an example DPS derivation. For simplicity, let noob ::=
×1[hp]. Our noob will start with 50hp. In the first second, a
SPELLCASTER gets a HEADSHOT; in the next, a ROCKET and SWORD join the
battle, and finally the AWP shoots, though the noob was successfully
converted to gibs in the first two seconds.×1[50] ×1[50] insufficient*.*dakka [SPELLa8]{.underline}
HS[SPELL]a24 boom*.*headshot
HS[SPELL] ×1[50] ×1[26] not*.dead.*yet [ROCKETa25
SWORDa10]{.underline}
×[ROCKET*,* SWORD]a35 multiple*.*dps
HS[SPELL], ×[ROCKET*,* SWORD] ×1[50] ↓ lol*.*pwned
HS[SPELL], ×[ROCKET*,* SWORD], AWP ×1[50] *↓*overkill
Acknowledgments: Special thanks to Joshua Wise for the
insufficient*.*dakka rule, Nicholas Tan1 for the future work
suggestions, and Zachary Z. Sparks for the soundness proof.6 References
1. Wiseman, A. (22 B.C.) Any problem is solvable with sufficient
firepower. On archaeologically preserved stone tablets.
14
ach sigbovik 2009Plenary Program Committee
Confidential Paper Reviews
Paper 11: DPS Conversion: A New Paradigm in
Higher-Order Compilation
Reviewer 1
Rating: 2 (accept)
Confidence: ¼
The author formulates a sound and complete operational semantics for
the reduction of noobs to gibs. While this process is of considerable
commercial interest, it has until now been implemented in a rather
ad-hoc way, so the paper makes a strong contribution by putting it on
firm theoretical footing.Particular strengths of the paper include its modular proof of
soundness, which extends without change to any sound-producing attack
(however, this approach does not apply to silent-but-deadly weapons);
and also its use of the spooky skull-and-crossbones glyph.The author could improve the paper by generalizing the result beyond
first-person shooters; the ex tension to person-shooters of other
ordinals seems straightforward. Also, I am fairly sure that there is
relevant prior workwhich the author has not cited---if I am not
wrong Murphy's work on Generalized Super Mario Bros. and Beckman's on
Infinite Arkanoid are pertinent.While I have acquired, over the years, certain knowledge of gamer
culture, my confidence rating is low because on the whole I am more of
a Scrabble sort of guy. Possibly by continuing to review 3L33T G4M3RZ
type of papers I will be able to "level up" my confidence in this
area. I suppose I couldalso hire them out to a "review farmer" and
save myself some carpal tunnel damage.
15
16
Track 1
Hypertext
О HYPERTEXT TRANSLATION
ach
DELTAX: A New Paradigm for Machine Translation
......................19 Greg HannemanО HYPERTEXT TRANSFER PROTOCOL DOWNLOAD FREE
System Description: Google Ghost
................................................25
Robert J. Simmons, Brian R. HirshmanО HILL ALSO STANDS FOR "HYPERTEXT INTUITIONISTIC LINEAR LOGIC" The
Next 700 Intuitionistic Linear Logics
.....................................29 Lea Albaugh,
William Lovas, Tom Murphy VII, Jason ReedО HYPERLAMBDA
Harnessing Human Computation: β-REDUCTION HERO
....................33 Akiva LeffertО THE HUMID HYPERTEXT!
The Dissatisfactory Doily: Generating Your Own Terrible Towel Rip-Off
...........................................................................................41
Nels E. BeckmanО YOU HYPERTEXT AND YOU KEEP DYING
You Keep Dying
.............................................................................43
Dr. Tom Murphy VII Ph.D.
(continued on next page) 17
Track 1
Hypertext (continued)
О HYPERIMPACT
Human Computation Method For Generating High Impact
ach
Research Papers
.............................................................................45
Laura Trutoiu, Erik Zawadzki, Leigh Ann Sudol, J Marlow, Anonymous
Coward, Ekaterina Taralova, Field Cady, Matt Stanton, Ciera Jaspan, Or
SheffetО HYPERORDER
On a lexicographic ordering in spring
...........................................51 McCall
and Sons, Semantic Exporters
18
DeltaX: A New Paradigm for Machine Translation
Greg Hanneman
Language Enthusiast and Errant Scribbler
Carnegie Mellon University
1 Introduction
The field of machine translation has experienced con siderable growth
since its original conception in the late 1940s. Over the past 60 years,
countless count ably finite researchers have developed new techniques
and methodologies to advance the state of the art (and the state of
their CVs). Sometimes these ad vancements are significant enough that it
can be claimed that a new paradigm of machine transla tion has been
developed, though to date there have been very few such breakthroughs.
As you may suspect from the way that last para graph ended, in this
paper we introduce just such a breakthrough. We describe DeltaX, which
we be lieve to be a completely novel paradigm for carry ing out machine
translation. In contrast to previous methods, DeltaX is fast, cheap,
easy, and requires minimal additional hardware beyond what may easily be
obtained by ordinary consumer-level technology users.
The remainder of this paper is organized as follows. Since we have no
set page-count limit, we first skip a whole bunch of lines just to thumb
our nose at other conferences. Next, in Section 2 we briefly review the
scientific question of machine translation and sum marize its existing
paradigms. Section 3 is our mag num opus1, where we describe DeltaX in
detail. We follow with Section 4, which performs a comparative analysis
between DeltaX and other machine trans lation methods. Finally, Section
5 concludes.
1Op. 4, in E minor
2 Machine Translation
The problem of machine translation is usually ex pressed as the task of
automatically translating text (e.g. a sentence) in one human language
(e.g. En glish) into another human language (e.g. Azerbai jani), such
that the semantic meaning of the original sentence is also expressed by
the translation. The precise formulation of the task, however, has
varied from paradigm to paradigm. Because the mathemat ical models in
these things quickly get complicated, researchers who want their work to
be understood by others frequently take recourse in a generative story:
a simplified conceptual overview of how their systems translate
sentences.
2.1 A Generative Story
Once upon a time, there was a man called Warren Weaver. Mr. Weaver was a
mathematician, which means that his job was to solve math problems all
day. This was a very hard job back when a computer filled an entire
room! But Mr. Weaver was a very smart man, and so he enjoyed his job.
One day, Mr. Weaver was walking to his office when he thought of a fun
new math problem to solve. "When a man speaks Russian," Mr. Weaver
thought, "what that really means is that he's speaking En glish." (Mr.
Weaver had a very good imagination.) "He speaks English in his head, but
then the English goes through a secret code and comes out as Russian
instead." Mr. Weaver thought very hard. "Now, all I have to do figure
out what that secret code is, and then I can translate the Russian back
to English!" Do you remember hearing about secret decoder rings on the
radio, where one letter stands for another? Well, all Mr. Weaver had to
do was figure out which Russian words stood for which English words in
the secret Russian code, and then he would know just like that how to
translate Russian.
Mr. Weaver went straight to work. He worked very 19
hard for many days, but the secret code was also very hard. Mr. Weaver
was never able to figure it out. He told many other people his idea, but
they all laughed at him. At last he stopped working and died. But his
story has a happy ending. Even though Mr. Weaver did not find out the
secret Russian code, he invented the new problem of statistical machine
translation. The end.2
2.2 Give Yourself Goosebumps
Chapter 1. Hi! My name is Rule-Based Machine Translation, but you can
call me Rules for short. It totally rules! Anyway, I gotta tell you
about my old man --- he's such a pain in the neck! I just know that, if
you met him on the street, you'd run away scream ing. All he talks about
is his stupid Russian decoder rings, which is so old-fashioned. Can you
imagine! Fiddling around all day with his stupid mathemati cal rules, as
if all the wicked cool things about human language could be expressed as
mere numbers.
Let me tell you how the modern kids see things these days. We like
rules, man, 'cause they totally rule! Just check this out. You know how
in French you've got thinks like la voiture bleue, right, where the
adjective comes after the noun it modifies? But when you say the same
thing in English, you've to tally gotta reverse the order so the
adjective comes first -- the blue car? Well, that's the whole secret! If
we want to translate French into English, we've just gotta know the
rules of the game. No numbers, no statistics.
Chapter 2. Now I gotta tell you the best part: learning rules is a
whole lot easier than breaking some made-up secret code. We just have
to ask people what they are! I mean, you speak English, so you can
just tell me what order the words in a sentence have to come in, and
then we'll figure out what cate gories they belong to, and then
someone who knows French'll tell us the same information there. We put
it all together and, wham! That's machine transla tion.
Chapter 3. Aw, man, I just got sent to my room by my dad 'cause my
homework was late. It was so stupid! All I had to do was figure out a
set of rules that would explain all languages, which is like totally
reasonable, right? That's what I thought until I started my homework. Do
you know how many different meaning there are for some words? Look
2Adults reading this paper in the presence of small children should
take care at this point to show the pictures.
20
at this crap: Can you can fruit in that can? Three different parts of
speech! Then you gotta put all the words together, but if the man saw
the boy with a telescope, how am I supposed to know who's got the
looking glass! Man, this is so unfair! Dad said I gotta stay in my
room until I finish parse trees for the garden path sentences, but I
think I'm gonna sneak out. There are just too many rules to write
down!2.3 All Grown Up
Good evening, everyone, and thank you for coming to my presentation.
Tonight's topic is going to be phrase-based statistical machine
translation, and I would like to say right at the beginning how
pleased I am to be able to speak to you all about it at such an
important conference.Now, as we all know, the field of machine transla tion has faced some
significant problems in the past. We spent a long time paying
linguists to write thou sands of synchronous grammar rules,
morphological analyzers, parsed treebanks, and who knows what else,
and at the end of the day none of those tech niques were any help.
Those processes are just too expensive, and getting good results out
of them just takes too long. Who cares whether a word's in the
subjuctive aorist passive, or if Arabic is a VSO lan guage? Every time
I fire a linguist, my team's trans lation results go up five points!Friends, the real answer is data. Data, data, data. We've developed
cutting-edge mathematical models to automatically extract information
from parallel text --- and it's better information than anything a
room full of linguists will tell you. In this slide, you can clearly
see the way to do translation. Just get a whole bunch of sentences in
language F here, and match them up with their translations in language
E here. International parliaments are great sources of these,
ready-made! Line up all your sentences, then run statistical word
alignment to let the math tell you exactly which words in F translate
to which words in E exactly which percentage of the time. No made-up
linguistics --- the numbers don't lie.On this slide you can see the next step. Once you know how the words
translate, just group a bunch of words together, and you know how the
phrases translate too. Question, ma'am? No, no linguistics here
either. When I say "phrase," I just mean any old group of contiguous
words in F that translates into a group of contiguous words in E.
Again you can rely on the mathematical models we've developed to give
you accurate translation probabilities.
Finally, here on Slide 3, you see how easy it is to translate. When you
get a new sentence in F, just look through your scored phrase pairs for
things that match bits and pieces of the F sentence. String 'em all out
in a line, multiply their probabilities, and take the ones that give you
the highest score in E. What ever the data supports the most is the
translation you give: let Bayes' Rule do all the work for you, and just
maximize that old P(E | F).
To conclude, thank you all again for coming tonight, and remember:
there's no data like more data!
3 A New Paradigm: DeltaX 3.1 Motivation
In our preliminary work on DeltaX, we were pri marily struck by the
numerous shortcomings in exist ing machine translation paradigms. In
information theoretic statistica machine translation, for example, we
found ourselves dissatisfied with the reduction of the infinite beauty
and creativity of natural language to a mere case of cipher-cracking. On
the other hand, the intensive manual effort required to create precise
grammars and lexicons in rule-based machine trans lation leaves us
searching for a faster, more automatic method. Finally, we believe that
the data-driven techniques of phrase-based statistical translation are
reaching a saturation point: while they work well for languages with
very large amounts of parallel text, they perform very poorly in the
absence of these great resources.
Ideal machine translation has three qualities: (1) it is fully
automatic, (2) it is high-quality, and (3) it handles a broad coverage
of text styles and do mains. It has been observed that, at the present
time, one may apply the existing paradigms and obtain any two of these
three criteria. This, we believe, is not enough.
3.2 The DeltaX Formulation
We believe that the current limitations of machine translation
technology in all existing paradigms come from the fact that the problem
is stated incorrectly in all of them. Recall that we previously
introduced ma chine translation as the task of automatically trans
lating a sentence in one human language to a sen tence in another human
language. In DeltaX, we return to this fundamental and clarifying truth
with
21
out the distracting probabilistic models or formal grammars of
previous approaches. The result is fast, cheap, easy, and requires
minimal additional hard ware beyond what may easily be obtained by
ordinary consumer-level technology users.3Fundamentally, the definition of translation is clear:
• "Motion of a body in which every point of the body moves parallel to
and the same distance as every other point of the body"
f(a) a\'
a
Figure 1: Simple formulation of the translation task.
This is exemplefied in Figure 1. Backing away from morphology,
grammars, and parallel data, we frame the task of translation simply:
its goal is to find a function f(a) that maps a given point a onto the
point a . Since our starting and ending points are both known, we can
easily define this function in terms of the distance between a and a .
We fur ther use the fact that we can re-write point a as the ordered
pair (x, y).
f(a) = a − a (1)
f(x, y)=(x , y ) − (x, y) (2) y − y = 0 (3)
f(x) = x − x (4)
f(x)=Δx (5)
We thus arrive at our function for translation. To address the machine
portion, we apply the example based defintion of "machine" as
"computer," as seen in common locutions such as "Linux machine" or
"machine room." Putting the two halves together provies a clean,
intuitive new paradigm for machine translation, which we fittingly
call DeltaX.3Did you notice we stole that sentence almost word for word from the
introduction? All the good papers do it.
Dell le Dell
9.84\' 3m
7m
Figure 2: Setup for our English--French machine translation
experiments. Our Dell Optiplex input is trans lated approximately a
net 7 meters.
Carrying out the machine translation task with DeltaX is simple,
requiring only an input, a goal, and sufficient force --- all readily
obtainable by to day's underfunded and small research groups. For the
particularly miserly, the force required may even be calculated in
advance with the application of simple physics. We now describe each of
the requirements in more detail.
• Input. Borrowing from the classical machine translation literature,
the input is typically termed the source.4 As a general translation
platform, DeltaX places no restriction on the source: it can be any
machine --- running in any language --- the user prefers.• Goal. Classical machine translation uses the term target to refer to
the output of a transla tion. Here, we allow the target to also be
generic: the user must only pick a goal location that the source
machine should be translated to.• Force. Typically, force for a machine transla tion system is
provided by an amount of com puting power --- either that or an
impending deadline, frustrated advisor, or project evalua tions.
However, many modern systems require large computing clusters, fancy
servers, or both.
4Actually, in the Late Classical period, P. M. T. Bach wrote
it ye olde Sor e, but we must make allowances for modern
spelling and typography.
22
In DeltaX, we relax this requirement, specify ing only the use of some
amount of motive power. The exact amount may be calculated exactly and
in advance.54 Experiments
To test our system, we carried out experiments on English-to-French
machine translation. In each case, our source was a Dell Optiplex
GX260. The tar get was a point in the next machine room over, ap
proximately 15 meters away, and the force was two minimum-wage
undergraduates in reasonable physi cal condition. This setup is shown
in Figure 2.A common metric in machine translation is the BLEU score, a geometric
mean of n-gram transla tion precision compared to a human-produced ref
erence translation.6 Since our system uses neither n-grams nor
human-produced references, we find BLEU scores inadequate for our
evaluations. Instead, we use an adapted metric that we term CHEESE, or
"Computer Here Evaluation, Each System Ex pected." This easy-to-use
metric is based on the target specified during the translation task
--- if the end result is that the machine has been translated to5This is the second time we have made this statement. The proof and
derivation, as in all such cases, are left as an exercise to the
reader.6If you didn't understand that last sentence, good luck with "real"
research papers. They're all like that!
the target position, CHEESE returns success. If not, CHEESE returns
failure status and fires the under graduate movers ("human
translators").
We compare DeltaX to existing machine transla tion systems freely
available on the Internet. Google Translate is a statistical system
built from approx imately 4.3 quintagazillion words of text in all do
mains and genres, including some that writers haven't invented yet.
Systran (or "Babelfish" or "AltaVista Translate," depending on your age)
is a rule-based system made up of context-free grammar rules, be gun in
1961 and currently scheduled for completion by human linguists in 2025.
To make our compari son fair, we use the same input for all systems. The
Dell Optiplex used in the DeltaX system is first con verted into a pure
text representation by serializing its instruction manual, Verilog files
for its processors, and contents of its hard drive. We next pay human
translators (in the classical sense) to translate the resulting text
into French; this provides a reference translation for use with the BLEU
metric.
System Metric Score
Google Translate 0.0442 BLEU
Systran 0.0657 BLEU
DeltaX 1.0000 CHEESE
Figure 3: Results of experiments comparing the DeltaX machine
translation system to two Internet competitors.Results are shown in Figure 3. Surprisingly, the rule-based system
outperforms the statistical system in our machine domain. We
hypothesise that this is true because machine translation --- as we
have expressed it --- can be succinctly expressed a series of
generally applicable rules, something that rule-based systems excel
at. Neither of the two Internet-based machine translations, however,
hit upon the correct series of rules to apply in our experimental
setup. The DeltaX system, on the other hand, was able to express the
translation task as a series of three rule applications:1. Never talk about machine translation. 2. Translate south by three
meters.3. Translate east by seven meters.
4. Translate north by three meters.
By following this simple procedure, the DeltaX sys tem is able to
achieve a perfect 1.0 on the CHEESE metric, while the competing
systems fail to measure up in BLEU.5 Conclusion
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noitseuq cifitneics eht weiver ylfeirb ew 2 noitceS ni ,txeN
.secnerefnoc re hto ta eson ruo bmuht ot tsuj senil fo hcnub elohw a
piks tsrif ew ,timil tnuoc-egap tes on evah ew ecniS .swollof sa
dezinagro si repap siht fo redniamer ehT.sresu ygolonhcet level-remusnoc yranidro yb deni atbo eb ylisae yam
tahw dnoyeb erawdrah lanoitidda laminim seriuqer dna ,ysae ,paehc
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tuo gniyrrac rof mgidarap levon yletelpmoc a eb ot eveileb ew hcihw
,XatleD ebircsed eW .hguorhtkaerb a hcus tsuj ecudortni ew repap siht
ni ,dedne hpargarap tsal taht yaw eht morf tcepsus yam uoy sA.shguorhtkaerb hcus wef yrev neeb evah ereht etad ot hguoht ,depoleved
neeb sah noitalsnart enihcam fo mgidarap wen a taht demialc eb nac ti
taht hguone tnacifingis era stnemecnavda eseht semitemoS .)sVC rieht
fo etats eht dna( tra eht fo etats eht ecnavda ot seigolodohtem dna
seuqinhcet wen depoleved evah srehcraeser etinif ylbatnuoc sseltnuoc
,sraey 06 tsap eht revO .s0491 etal eht ni noitpecnoc lanigiro sti
ecnis htworg elbaredisnoc decneirepxe sah noitalsnart enihcam fo dleif
ehTWell, even high school students know that the con clusion section is
just the introduction section written backwards.Acknowledgements
The authors --- even though there is only one of us --- would like to
thank Lea Albaugh ("B-A-U-G-H, Pennsylvania Dutch--style") for her
fine figure draw ing contributions to the present paper. The research
reported here was supported by borrowed time from the Language
Tecnologies Institute at Carnegie Mel lon University when the author
was supposed to be writing his thesis proposal. Conclusions drawn from
23
it represent the author's own artwork and do not rep resent the
opinions of real artists who actually know how to use charcoal sticks
and pencils.References
[1] Perl \$scalar
[2] C/C++ int* numKumquats
[3] Java Object o
24
System Description: Google Ghost
Robert J. Simmons and Brian R. Hirshman
Department of Computer Science
Carnegie Mellon University
Pittsburgh, PA 15213
{*rjsimmon,hirshman}*\@cs.cmu.edu
Abstract
This paper describes the new craze sweeping through computer science
departments located along Forbes Avenue in Pittsburgh, PA, USA: play
ing Google Ghost. This paper describes the static and operational se
mantics of Google Ghost, and provides a constructive proof that you1
can become a Google Scholar!1 Introduction & Motivation
Google Ghost is a brilliant new adaptation of the deprecated, archaic
children's game Ghost. A wise horde once said:Ghost is a word game in which players take turns adding letters to a
growing word fragment, trying not to be the one to complete a valid
word. If a player completes a word, they lose that round of the game
and starts a new round. Each fragment must be the beginning of an
actual word. Usually some minimum is set on the length of a word that
counts, such as three or four letters.2We identify several fundamental problems with the deprechaic version
of Ghost:• Boredom: Ghost is boring as crap.
• Difficulty: Oh, are you done with your New York Times crossword
puzzle, nerd?
• Speed: Ghost tends to require lots of thought before a turn is
played, as the player tries to both guess the word the other players
were trying to spell and try to (po tentially) subvert their intent by
redirecting to another word without completing the original word.• Size: The creative possibilities of Ghost are limited by the
people in the room with you. And good luck getting people to play your
boring, hard, slow game, nerd.These problems are all solved by Google Ghost, which is awesome.
1Yes, you.
25
2 Google Ghost
Google Ghost is a multiplayer game that is played by using, instead of
boring English words, the massive database of mapreduced by Google
Suggest.3 To play Google Ghost, you need two or more players and
one ghostwriter4 who has access to a computer running a modern,
JavaScript-enabled web browser. Play starts with the player to the
right of the previous loser utters a word (either an English word or
common, proper noun) and then either "space" or "no space." The
ghostwriter types that word into Google's home page and then, as
instructed, either enters a space or not. Play proceeds by each player
to the right uttering either a letter or the character "space" -- two
spaces may not be played in a row.We chart the progress of a game by using a four-column chart. The
first column indicates the player (we use standard cryptographic
characters Alice, Bob, etc.) The second column indicates the player's
utterance, the third column indicates the resulting contents of the
search bar, and the fourth column indicates some of the contents of
the Google Suggest list:A "horrible space" horrible horriblesubs, horrible tattoos, horrible
histories. . . B "i" horrible i horrible insults, horrible in spanish,
horrible injuries. . . A "n" horrible in horrible insults, horrible in
spanish, horrible injuries. . . B "space" horrible in horrible in
spanish, horrible in french, horrible in laws. . . A "l" horrible in l
horrible in laws, horrible in latin, horrible in law stories B ...
... ...Google Ghost is made more interesting by the presence of spell
checking, as shown by the presence of "ikea" as the first hit after
Alice's second turn:A "i, no space" i imdb, ikea, itunes, ipad, irs, itunes download,
inspirational quotes. . . B "e" ie ieee, ie7 download, ie8, ie8
download, iep, ie7, iexplore.exe, ies. . . A "k" iek ikea, iekeliene
stange, ieko media, iekeliene stange fashion spot. . . B ... ...
...For extra entertainment value, the ghostwriter can point out recently
excluded options, for instance that "horrible injuries" and "horrible
insults" had been excluded after Bob uttered "space" in the first game
above.2.1 Losing and ggpwning
You normally lose the game when there are no more auto-complete
options available after your selected letter, number, or space has
been typed into the Google bar. This is the standard way of losing, as
demonstrated by the following game which ends with a normal loss for
Bob.
+---+------------+----------+------------------------------------------+
| A | > "arby's | > arby's | > arby's menu, arby's coupons, arby's |
| | > space" | > | > nutrition. . . arby's queens, arby's |
| B | > "q" | > arby's | > quebec, baby mamma arby's quote arby's |
| | > | > q | > queens, arby's quebec, baby mamma |
| A | > "u" | > | > arby's quote baby mamma arby's quote |
| | > | > arby's | > |
| B | > "o" | > qu | > baby mamma arby's quote |
| | > | > | > |
| A | > "t" | > arby's | > None. Bob has lost in regular play. |
| | > | > quo | |
| B | > "a" | | |
| | | arby's | |
| | | quot | |
| | | | |
| | | arby's | |
| | | quota | |
+===+============+==========+==========================================+
+---+------------+----------+------------------------------------------+
However, play can also end abnormally with the rare epic win of Google
Ghost technically known as a ggpwn. Ggpwn is normally used as a verb
-- ie, "I ggpwned you guys so hard."A ggpwn occurs when the final letter that eliminated all auto-complete
options is one of the options that was provided by Google Suggest. A
non-strict ggpwn occurs if the letter4http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghostwriter (TV series)
26
closes out an auto-spellchecked or partial suggestion; for instance,
in the demo game above if Bob had picked "e" instead "a" in the final
turn, he would have achieved a non-strict ggpwn.5 A strict ggpwn
is created when the phrase exactly matches one of the suggestions.
For instance, Alice would achieve a strict ggpwn by uttering the final
"y" in the search query "why is my poop green pregnancy."Players should determine at the beginning whether the play is strict
or non-strict; in strict play a non-strict ggpwn is the same as
losing. For example, in the game above Bob never had a chance above in
strict play; although if he had uttered "e" instead of "o" Alice could
have strictly ggpwned Bob by exactly completing the phrase "arby's
queens" or "arby's quebec."3 Google Ghost Scholar (AKA Google Scholar Ghost)
Google Ghost Scholar is clearly "the next big thing". Actually, it's
really one of the next three big things, as it can mean three
different things. How cool is that?• It can mean Google Ghost played with Google Scholar. Open up
Google scholar and play Google Ghost as described previously. (Aren't
you kicking yourself now if you missed that SIGBOVIK demo?) The first
person to go, of course, will find that they lose because Google
hasn't put autocomplete into the public version of Google scholar.
Hint: if you challenge someone to this game, make sure you -- and not
your oppwnent -- go second!• It can also mean a single player game of Google Ghost played in
support of the multiplayer variants. Begin playing this version of
Google Ghost Scholar by cre ating web pages and make them link to
nonsense words. Make sure you set up the robots.txt in such a way that
Google indexes them appropriately. Alternately, Google bomb other
pages with nonsense terms in such a way that you can be sure that
Google autocomplete will recognize those terms when you play.
Congrats, now you can ggpwn your oppwnents!• Google Ghost Scholar is also a noun meaning one who can ggpwn his
or her opp wnents at any variant of Google Ghost. It is often
abbreviated with the three-letter acronym "GGS" and can be applied as
a titular suffix after a name. For instance, the first author, when6
he finishes his doctoral degree, will be Rob Simmons Ph.D. GGS.4 Conclusion
Google Ghost overcomes all the problems with the deprechaic original
version of Ghost. It has been shown to be empirically exciting, and it
is as easy as typing nonsense into the Google Toolbar, which easy
enough that any idiot seems able to do it, as evidenced by the fact
that enough people searched for "how did I get this cold sore" for it
to end up in Google Suggest. The ability of the first player to
suggest a whole word makes the game significantly faster-paced, and
the creative possibilities for humor in the game are limited only by
the thought droppings of millions and millions and millions of people
typing stuff into Google.We acknowledge the Carnegie Mellon Computer Science Department's Tea
Trolls and Google, Inc. for their respective contributions to the
existance of Google Ghost, and we furthermore acknowledge Chris
Martens as the first person to ever ggpwn.5But Bob didn't do that, did he? Bob is a loser.
6Right. When.
27
28
The Next 700 Intuitionistic Linear Logics
Lea Albaugh William Lovas Tom Murphy VII Jason Reed March 20, 2010
Abstract
We describe, and lay claim to, the next 700 intuition istic linear
logics. Hands off! We saw 'em first!
1 Introduction
Peter Landin started a dangerous trend with his sem inal paper, "The
Next 700 Programming Languages" [Lan66]. How, we ask, are we all
supposed to pad our CVs (ideally, with research sliced so finely it
qualifies as "deli-thin") if some joker comes along and comes up with
one stupid, elegant generalization that makes all of the many delicious
slices mere special cases? Where our score in the publication game was
once well in the hundreds, now it is one. This is a very small score.
We attempt to reverse this trend by not obviating the next 700
intuitionistic linear logics, but by listing them.
As everyone knows, the most important properties of a logic are
1. That it satisfies cut and identity properties, and has a complete
focusing proof search strategy.2. That it is intuitionistic, so that we can feel su perior to those
filthy classical mathematicians.3. That it has linearity, so that we can use funny symbols like and
⊗ and .and, most important of all,
4. That its name forms a clever acroynm.
Bearing this in mind, and observing that we already got beaten to the
punch by ILL [Gir87] and DILL
29
[BP96] and JILL [CCP03], we make haste to lay claim to all of the
following logics.2 The Logics
2.1
Name: BILLG
Description:
Billionaire ILL, which is Good. A rich and expressive logic. Well,
rich, anyway. Seems to be incompatible with MOZILLA.2.2
Name: CHILL
Description:
Calm, Hushed ILL. Won't wake the neighbors. Very mellow. Won't freak
out if you, like, prove a contra diction, man.2.3
Name: DRILL
Description:
We're still waiting for legislation to pass let us start using this
logic to extract our nation's vast untapped natural resources. Given
the current political cli mate, we're not exactly holding our breath.2.4
Name: FILL
Description:
Fudgmental ILL. Mmm..
2.5
Name: LANDFILL
Description:
The trashiest logic yet.
2.6
Name: GILL
Description:
Goldfish ILL. Easy to take care of.
2.7
Name: GRILL
Description:
The logic of food specialized to flame-broiling.
2.8
Name: HILL
Description:
Himalayan ILL. Alive with the sound of music?
2.9
Name: ILLIAD
Description:
Truly, a logic of epic proportions.
2.10
Name: KILL
Description:
Kalashnikov ILL. Can prove 600 sequents per minute without overheating.
2.11
Name: OVERKILL
Description:
Can prove 6,000 sequents per minute without over heating. Nobody
seems to need to prove sequents this fast, however. Still, what kind
of logicians would we be if we paid attention to what people said was
practically useful?
30
2.12
Name: KRILL
Description:
I don't know, man, whales eat it?
2.13
Name: MANDRILL
The largest monkey-logic in the world. Has a colorful rump.
2.14
Name: MILL
Description:
Maize ILL. Grindin' it up..
2.15
Name: MOZILLA
Description:
The intuitionistic logic for describing how web browsing consumes your
life. Compatible with many useful extensions, such as Ad-Block.2.16
Name: GODZILLA
Description:
An ill-fated attempt to design MOZILLA. Destroyed half of Tokyo, and
Martin-L¨of still has nightmares to this day.2.17
Name: PILL
Description:
Pharmaceutical ILL. Probably not patented yet.
2.18
Name: QuILL
Description:
Quail-feather ILL. Old-school theorem writin'.
2.19
Name: FRILL
Description:
I feel pretty! And witty! And... NP-complete assum ing the Unique Games
Conjecture?
2.20
Name: NOFRILL
Description:
Just what it sounds like.
2.21
Name: SPILL
Description:
Oh, not again. My pants are just covered in Γs and s. Do you realize
how hard it is to get those stains out? Also a good logic for reasoning
about register allocation.
2.22
Name: SQUILL
Description:
Useful for reasoning about Pittsburgh neighbor hoods, which can
otherwise be quite difficult to nav igate.
2.23
Name: STILL
Description:
Scotch-Tasting ILL, the logic of whiskey.
2.24
Name: SHILL
Description:
A fake logic planted to con other logics into intuition ism and
linearity.
31
2.25
Name: SWILL
Description:
The logic of drink, but only crappy ones.
2.26
Name: THRILL
Description:
Just the logic you want when it's close to midnight and something
evil's lurking in the dark --- simply prove it's not there!2.27
Name: TRILL
Description:
The logic of musical ornaments.
2.28
Name: WILL
Description:
A logic to leave to your descendants. Of sound mind and body. Also of
complete mind and body.2.29
Name: ILLWILL
Description:
The doubly intuitionistic doubly-linear logic of mal ice.
2.30 Lax Linear Local Longitudi nal Latitudinal Lambda-Lifted
Lambda-Long Looping Left Ludical Linked Leibniz Law L-system Logspace
Logtime LL-1 Lookup Lined Lex Lim iting L'Hopitalian Laplacian
Lagrangian Legendre Ladder Like Lattice Lemmaless Lambek Typed Super
Kinded Intuition istic Linear Logic
Name: L33T SKILL
Description:
A very powerful logic by Tom 7 Murphy7 (the third author) and the
second author (William Lovas1).
2.31
Name: SKILL
Description:
This one's okay, but not nearly as good as the one just before it.
3 Conclusion
Okay, okay, so we don't quite have 700 yet. We leave the remaining
logics for Future Work.
References
[BP96] A. Barber and G. Plotkin. Dual in tuitionistic linear logic.
Technical Re port ECS-LFCS-96-347, University of Edin burgh, Laboratory
for Foundation of Com puter Science, 1996.
[CCP03] Bor-Yuh Evan Chang, Kaustuv Chaudhuri, and Frank Pfenning. A
judgmental analysis
7Dr. VII, Ph.D
1the one, the only2
2you know, the one whose name is so awesome it frequently bursts into
flame3
3http://www.cs.cmu.edu/*∼*wlovas/old-index.html 32
of linear logic. Technical Report CMU-CS 03-131, Carnegie Mellon
University, 2003.
[Gir87] J.Y. Girard. Linear logic. Theoretical Com puter Science,
50(1):1--102, 1987.
[Lan66] P. J. Landin. The next 700 programming languages. Commun.
ACM, 9(3):157--166, March 1966.
Harnessing Human Computation:
β-reduction hero
Akiva Leffert
Abstract
Most ACH SIGBOVIK papers have an abstract in order to draw the reader
the in and to set up future jokes. In this recessionary time, jokes
are a scarce and valuable resource. We prefer not to waste them on a
moment of brief glory, when we could drag them out for whole paragaphs
and sections. We apologize for the inconvenience and hope you will
bear with us during this time of economic difficulty.1 Introduction
Human computation[2] is an upcoming and trendy branch of computer
sci ence. Human computation allows computers to solve problems that
were previously difficult for computers to solve by the simple
expedient of mak ing humans do it for them. This is widely considered
to a major break through. Typically humans are compensated for their
computational cycles either through piddling amounts of entertainment
(The ESP Game), pid dling amounts of money (Mechanical Turk)[7], or
via brainwashing[6]. The first technique is problematic because it
requires a way to frame the task being solved as a game. The second is
a problem because it requires funding. The third has proved difficult
to implement with existing technologies. Fur thermore, human
computation throws the best parties and we want invites! In the
remainder of this paper, we resolve these problems through the intro
duction of the novel notion of the Hero Quotient and describe a
technique to reduce any computational task to a single Game With a
Purpose.2 Take 1 Cup of Heroism
Our first critical insight is that anything sounds more fun when it
has the word "hero" at the end[3][1]. We conducted an extensive
survey (n=2) to
33
Mean Fun
10 
{width="0.701000656167979in"
height="1.9333989501312335e-2in"}
{width="0.701000656167979in"
height="2.784332895888014in"}
5
{width="0.701000656167979in"
height="1.9333989501312335e-2in"}{width="0.701000656167979in"
height="1.9333989501312335e-2in"}
height="1.9333989501312335e-2in"}0
{width="0.7009995625546807in"
height="1.6000656167979004e-2in"}{width="0.7009995625546807in"
height="0.6176662292213473in"}{width="0.7009995625546807in"
height="1.9332895888014e-2in"}{width="0.7009995625546807in"
height="1.159332895888014in"}{width="0.701000656167979in"
height="1.9332895888014e-2in"}{width="0.701000656167979in"
height="0.8926662292213473in"}{width="0.701000656167979in"
height="1.9332895888014e-2in"}{width="0.701000656167979in"
height="1.9332895888014e-2in"}
height="1.9332895888014e-2in"}Laundry Laundry Hero Sweeping Sweeping
Hero Cocaine Cocaine Hero
{width="0.701000656167979in"
height="2.2426662292213475in"}{width="0.701000656167979in"
height="2.5176673228346456in"}Figure 1: Sample Hero Quotient Effects
determine the so called 'Hero Quotient' (HQ), the amount a thing
becomes more fun when followed by the word "hero." Figure 1 shows the
effect size for several of the items in our survey. The x-axis is the
item being surveyed and the y-axis is the mean fun score on a scale of
1 to 10. Overall, we found that the mean HQ multiplicative factor
across all of our 40 data points was 2.8 (*p\<.*05). An exhaustive
list of our survey items and mean fun ratings appears in the Appendix.3 Add 3 Parts λ-Calculus
The early history of computer science is rife with attempts to find a
univer sal notion of computation. Objectively the best is Church's
λ-calculus[5]. Hopefully you already know what the lambda calculus
looks like, but we include it here because it's awesome. The entire
syntax and reduction rules of the lambda calculus are as follows:
34
e ::= x | ee | λx.e
(λx.e)e →β [e /x]e
The main reduction rule is known is β reduction for no particularly
good reason. Note that we use the standard notion of capture-avoiding
substitution. This will be important later.The normalization problem for the lambda calculus is computationally
universal. And indeed, by the Church-Turing thesis, it is hypothesized
that any notion of computation can be reduced to the question of
whether some λ-calculus term has a normal form.4 Stir until frothy
Our second brilliant insight is that we can combine the excitement
enhancing effect (EEE) of the HQ with the computation universality of
the λ-calculus. This allows us to turn any computational task t
into a TOTALLY RAD TIMETMsimply by compiling it into raw
lambda-Calculus.We took this approach and as a proof of concept developed a Game With
a Purpose called β-reduction hero.5 Saut`e five minutes
β-reduction hero is an Adobe Flash[?] game, developed in
haXe[4], a strongly typed language with first class functions,
paremetric polymorphism, type inference, and structural object types
that compiles down to several targets including the Flash platform.
The basic game play of β-reduction hero is illustrated in Figure 2,
a shot of the game's help screen.While our basic goal was merely to harness the power of human compu
tation toward arbitrary tasks, we must admit to a more humanitarian
goal: Raising awareness of the problem of captured variables. One in
every one hundred american variables is behind bars. In β-reduction
hero your goal is to release captured variables, by forming
β-redices.The basic game mechanic resembles the popular game Bejeweled. Adja
cent tiles can be swapped by clicking one then the other. Instead of
the usual named variables, we use the colors red, green, and blue. We
also replace
35
{width="3.4659995625546807in"
height="3.2693339895013125in"}{width="1.9859995625546807in"
height="3.2693339895013125in"}Figure 2: Rules of Beta-Reduction Herothe syntactic sequence λx. with a single token, a lambda in a
colored circle, the color corresponding to the variable bound by the
lambda. This innova tion allows us to conserve screen real estate, as
well as harkening back to Church's original notation for the lambda
calculus where the bound variable and its binder were coupled in
typographically.After each swap, the rows affected are searched for β-redices and
the longest one in each row is reduced. This is where captured
variables come into play. Any variable that is captured in a reduction
is turned gray to signify its capture. The goal of the game is to
eliminate all of the captured variables. Thus the player must
construct redices by hand.In theory our technique could be adapted to different game play
styles. We recently began cooperative work with researchers at
Nintendo of America on adapting our technique into Mario Teaches
λ-Calculus. An early screen appears in Figure 3.6 Serve Hot
β-reduction is pretty cool. β-reduction hero is super cool. Check
it out: http : //*akivaleffert.com/beta *− reduction −
hero*/*.
36
{width="2.655166229221347in"
height="4.113499562554681in"}
{width="2.661832895888014in"
height="4.120166229221347in"}
Figure 3: Mario Teaches λ-Calculus Concept Art 37
A Garnish
Item Normal With Hero
Algebra 9 10
Bird Watching 1 2
Cocaine 9 10
Debugging 3 7
Dish washing 9 10
Guitar 1 11
Glockenspiel 7 10
Golf 2 2
Laundry 2 4
Mitosis 4 9
Meiosis 6 8
Opera 4 9
Problem Sets 1 4
Sweeping 3 8
Zen 5
Figure 4: Complete Survey Means
References
[1] Activision. Knitting hero, 2009.
[2] Luis Von Ahn. Some paper luis wrote. Proceedings of the ACH
SIGCHI, 2004.[3] Harmonix. Guitar hero, 2005.
[4] haXe. haxe.org, 2009.
[5] Akiva Leffert. The letter before lambda is hat. Proceedings of
the ACH Conference/Robot Dance Party 0x40th Celebration of Harry
Quicktopher Bovik, 2007.[6] Akiva Leffert. Provably sound orbital mind control lasers.
Proceedings of the ACH Conference/Robot Dance Party/Anniversary of
the 0x40th Celebration of Harry Querulous Bovik, 2008.[7] Amazon Mechanical Turk. mturk.com, 2007.
38
ach sigbovik 2009Plenary Program Committee
Confidential Paper Reviews
Paper 7: Beta-Reduction Hero
Reviewer 1
Rating: 3 (strong accept)
Confidence: ¾
This program easily meets SIGBOVIK's exacting standards. Because its
interactive format, there is some question about how it should be
published--perhaps the only reasonable solution is to publish the URL
of the "game" in SIGBOVIK's proceedings.Reviewer 2
Rating: 3 (strong accept)
Confidence: 4/4
I may not know anything about the lambda calculus, but I do know about
circles. I do know that lamb da isn't drawn like a circle. "O" is
drawn like a circle. However, this paper has a lot of colored circles
in it. I'm not sure what they are doing, or how I should manipulate
them. But I'm also not sure of the mechanics of breathing and that
seems to work out most of the time. Except that one time when I was in
some water or something. Fucking hilarious. But back to the paper.I am pretty sure that the fonts are broken at present.
But that's okay, because the fonts would just get in the way of the
colored circles. Did I mention that the circles come in three exciting
colors? There's, like, this reddish one and maybe a blue one and a
green one. And, um, maybe yellow? Well, there should probably be
yellow. It's the sort of thing there should generally probably be in
these sorts of papers.The authors should consider including a color chart to make it easier
for me to write the prevous para graph.Unfortunately, I am unable to give this paper a higher rating because
I couldn't determine how many pages it had, and I rate papers entirely
based on the number of pages. I foresee this also being trouble some
in the printing process, as it will be hard for the proceedings
manufacturer to quote a price on an indefinite number of pages.Also, the authors should include page numbers.
Finally, I advise the authors to consider other venues for this paper
if publication in SIGBOVIK proves infeasible. With a bit of cabinetry,
I could see the work fitting in well in the proceedings of Metreon
Portal One, Golf-n-games, or Dave and Buster's. And it could well find
a larger audience in these loca tions.
39
40
The Dissatisfactory Doily
Generating Your Own Terrible Towel Rip-Off
Nels E. Beckman
Carnegie Mellon University
Abstract
{width="2.1359995625546806in"
height="1.4226662292213472in"}This paper presents a simple tool that enables sports
teams across the globe to create their own rip-off of the
Terrible Towel. We describe the tool and some of the
clever names it generates.
Categories and Subject Descriptors K.4.4 [Elec
tronic Commerce]: Intellectual property
General Terms Legal Aspects, Human Factors Keywords terror, linens
1. Introduction
Since 1975, when local sportscaster Myron Cope cre ated the Terrible
Towel, sports teams all around the world have been green with envy.
These Team owners could not believe that such as simple device could
en gender such enthusiasm. Most importantly, they could not believe
that such a simple, low-quality cloth, cost ing no more than twenty or
thirty cents, could be sold for ten dollars.Ever since, the owners have been in a bind. While it would be quite
trivial to create a rip-off cloth in the theme of their own team, and
sell it and an outrageous markup, without a suitable clever name it is
extremely unlikely that it would sell. For thirty-five years, this
question has stumped mankind.Permission to make digital or hard copies of all or part of this work
for personal or classroom use is granted without fee provided that
copies are not made or distributed for profit or commercial advantage
and that copies bear this notice and the full citation on the first
page. To copy otherwise, to republish, to post on servers or to
redistribute to lists, requires prior specific permission and/or a
fee.SIGBOVIK '010 Pittsburgh, Penna, USA-A-OK
Copyright c 2010 ACM This work is mine and mine only. Please do not
take it, unless of course you are ripping it off for use in your own
local sports team.. . . $10.00
Figure 1. Myron Cope's Official Terrible Towel
2. Dissatisfactory Doily
Enter the Dissatisfactory Doily: a computer program that can
automatically generate, a clever, alliterative name for your Terrible
Towel rip-off. Built on propri etary Java technology, this program
contains a patented algorithm that, with little or no human input
can gener ate a mountain of humorous names.Armed with such a humorous name, you can embla zon it on a cloth of
cheap quality, sell it to your beer guzzling fans, and make an even
more obscene amount of money at the expense of local schools. What's
more, since the name is humorous, you can claim parody use, and not
fear trademark claims.The operation of the Dissatisfactory Doily is simple. Run the tool at
the command line, and pass along a list of adjectives (negative ones
preferred), a list of nouns (ideally cloth-related), and the number of
names that should be generated. For example:java DissDoily adj.txt noun.txt 1000
In the following section, we present a list of towel names generated
by the Dissatisfactory Doily and ready for immediate use. Our
favorites are highlighted in bold.
41
3. Examples
Feel the fear wash into the hearts of your opponents as your fans wave
the...
The villainous veil! The raunchy rag! The desperate drape! The atrocious
afghan! The depraving drap ery! The disgracing doily! The grungy gear!
The fal lacious film! The malevolent materiel! The wanton wipe! The blah
bolt! The grungy goods! The opprobri ous outfit! The disgraceful dry
goods! The icky ingredi ent! The gross goods! The horrid hanging! The
cruddy cloak! The poor paraphernalia! The poor portiere! The dreaded
doily! The heinous hanging! The odious oleo! The dreaded decoration! The
scandalous shade! The poor paraphernalia! The slipshod shutter! The
corrupt comforter! The vile valance! The dreadful decoration! The
malevolent moist towelette! The severe screen! The repulsive runner! The
sinful screen! The oppro brious object! The obnoxious oleo! The
dissatisfactory drape! The dreadful drapery! The poor portiere! The
criminal covering! The contumelious calico! The scan dalous stock! The
bummer bolt! The degenerate doily! The repulsive roller! The disgraceful
drapery! The imperfect ingredient! The opprobrious object! The har
rowing hanging! The desperate drape! The fallacious fleece! The heinous
habiliments! The iniquitous in gredient! The substandard shutter! The
sad screen! The disgraceful dry goods! The horrifying hanging! The
synthetic supply! The iniquitous individual! The gross goods! The
scandalous serviette! The stinking servi ette! The monstrous moist
towelette! The diddly doily! The egregious equipment! The monstrous
moist tow elette! The awful afghan! The beastly blind! The dis
satisfactory dry goods! The contumelious carpeting! The debauching
decoration! The shocking shroud! The beastly being! The icky ingredient!
The faulty fleece! The junky jalousie! The careless cloth! The
villainous valance! The synthetic shag! The wanton wrapper! The diddly
drape! The egregious envelope! The horrendous habiliments! The synthetic
synthetics! The opprobri ous object! The malevolent matting! The
monstrous moist towelette! The fallacious fleece! The dreadful dry
goods! The pits puff! The dissatisfactory decora tion! The wanton weave!
The wanton wipe! The de basing drape! The flagitious film! The frightful
film! The repulsive rug! The fallacious fleece! The stinking shag! The
disturbing doily! The loathsome layer! The ghastly goods! The poor
paraphernalia! The vile veil! The pits portiere! The revolting rug! The
stinking syn
thetics! The flagitious floor covering! The disgracing doily! The
atrocious afghan! The disturbing doily! The inferior ingredient! The
gross gear! The diddly doily! The horrid hanging! The obnoxious
outfit! The sad stuff! The ghastly goods! The brazen bolt! The abhor
rent afghan! The garbage goods! The gruesome goods! The loathsome
layer! The amiss afghan! The inhuman ingredient! The inadequate
ingredient! The hateful ha biliments! The petrifying puff! The
monstrous moist towelette! The sad screen! The abominable afghan! The
bottom out bolt! The horrible hanging! The wan ton wipe! The defective
doily! The grody goods! The brazen bolt! The inferior ingredient! The
contume lious carpeting! The dreadful doily! The crummy con stituent!
The horrendous hanging! The brazen being! The garbage goods! The vile
veil! The stinking screen! The cheesy coat! The imperfect individual!
The er roneous envelope! The heinous hanging! The crappy covering! The
inconvenient ingredient! The atrocious afghan! The wicked wipe! The
sad serviette! The pet rifying puff! The corrupt coverlet! The
debauching doily! The awesome afghan! The egregious entity! The
imperfect individual! The monstrous mat! The gross gear! The dread
decoration! The loathsome layer! The monstrous mat! The shameless
substance! The fal lacious film! The beastly blind! The gruesome gear!
The disastrous drapery! The appalling afghan! The in iquitous
ingredient! The shameless shroud! The revolt ing rug! The deficient
drapery! The harrowing habili ments! The scandalous shroud! The
appalling afghan! The beastly being! The abhorrent afghan! The wan ton
wall-to-wall carpeting! The egregious entity! The awesome afghan! The
garbage goods! The malevolent mat! The dire doily! The odious object!
The abhorrent afghan! The grody goods! The raunchy roller! The hor
rendous habiliments! The sinful supply! The rotten rug! The monstrous
material! The stinking shroud! The imperfect individual! The cheap
comforter! The grody gear! The grody goods! The dangerous drapery! The
inferior ingredient! The severe shutter! The harrowing hanging! The
awful afghan! The blah body! The abhor rent afghan! The slipshod
screen! The blah bolt! The rough rug! The violent veil! The fearful
floor cover ing! The dread decoration! The villainous valance! The
horrifying hanging! The serious stuff! The inconve nient ingredient!
The malevolent moist towelette! The stinking screen! The crappy cloth!
The garbage gear! The odious object! The repulsive runner!
42
Abstract
You Keep Dying
Dr. Tom Murphy VII Ph.D.
1 April 2010
combustible and you keep dying You keep ra
diation exposure and you keep dying
http://youkeepdying.spacebar.org/
Use the arrow controls.
The space button does jump.
You Keep Dying
You keep became infected by the virus and you keep dying You keep
-1
Copyright 2010 the Regents of the Wikiplia Foundation. Appears in
SIGBOVIK 2010 with the permission of the As sociation for
Computational Heresy; IEEEEEE! press, Verlag Verlag volume no.
0x40-2A. 0.00
{width="2.5976662292213475in"
height="1.8868339895013124in"}Figure 1: You keep conduct the lightning
and you keep dying
{width="0.7809995625546806in"
height="0.451832895888014in"}You keep proximity to the explosion and you keep dying You keep plasma
bolt irritates the skin and you keep dying You keep fall off the
screen and you keep dying You keep spider bite and you keep dying You
keep investigate the disturbance and you keep dying You keep internal
bleeding and you keep dyingYou keep touch these words and you keep dying You keep wonder what is
that thing and you keep dying You keep can't breathe under wa ter and
you keep dying You keep high veloc ity and you keep dying You keep
pressed the wrong buttons and you keep dyingYou keep go into this impossible room and you keep dying You keep
incorrect solution to the
43
{width="2.598500656167979in"
height="1.8809995625546807in"}Figure 2: You keep hug the spikes and
you keep dyingpuzzle and you keep dying You keep revise and resubmit and you keep
dying You keep thought you could jump farther and you keep dyingYou keep didn't realize the infection could be spread and you keep
dying You keep thought that it was just background graphics and you
keep dying You keep bring the copysicle every where and you keep dying
You keep acid dissolved you and you keep dying You keep stand still
too long and you keep dying You keep fight or flight response and you
keep dying You keep illegal security system and you keep dyingYou keep treat the monster like a friend/neighbor and you keep dying
You keep starting over and you keep dying You keep to find all the
spawn spots and you keep dying You keep a rock fell on you and you
keep dying You keep wasn't carrying the right item and you don't know
what the right item is and you keep dying
You keep overfull hbox and you keep dying You keep name brands at
discount prices and you keep dying You keep go back to get the umbrella
again and you keep dying You keep getting out of the frying pan and you
keep dying You keep finding the well-hidden trap and you keep dying
You keep disappointed in yourself and you keep dying
You keep physics bug and you keep dying You keep searching for cheat
codes and you keep dying You keep commuting to work and you keep dying
You keep invisible ultraviolet laser and you keep dying You keep
paying the monthly fee and you keep dying You keep smoke tobacco and
you keep dyingYou keep techno beats and you keep dying You keep accomplishment
unlocked and you keep dying You keep heamophilia and you keep dy ing
You keep try to save your game and you keep dying You keep boss fight
and you keep dying You keep was smaller than the foot and you keep
dying You keep not getting the hang of it and you keep dying You keep
unusual accident and you keep dyingYou keep perforated and you keep dying You keep a tight ship and you
keep dying You keep crushed when the ceiling did that thing unex
pectedly and you keep dying You keep swarm of bees and you keep dying
You keep try to get down there and you keep dyingYou keep forgot that one detonates and you keep dying You keep stay
out of the dark and you keep dying You keep wondering if you should
see a doctor and you keep dyingYou keep thank the anonymous refer ees and you keep dying You keep
playing and you keep dying You keep youkeepdying.spacebar.org and you
keep dying
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44
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49
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50
On a lexicographic ordering in spring
McCall and Sons, Semantic Exporters
March 20, 2010
In certain segments of our field befraught with perilous significance,
pro grammers often find themselves caught in the cycle of returning
things, be they elements, records, or values, to a semblance of order.
It later falls to us, as interested academics, scholars, and
scientists who are nearly justified by such problems, to determine a
rational order for the things to have been in. The acknowledgedly
convenient and most natural order of things is the order in which they
currently lie, which gives rise to a remarkably subtle O(log∗ n)
publish/subscribe sort algorithm due to Bovik et al. (1971) where
finding some where to publish accounts for the majority of the costs.
Sadly this result leads inevitably to angry letters and as we shall
show is therefore of trivial applicabil ity as long as we are being
watched. Barring lumicide or more radical solutions we must avoid
letters with words, or lexemes, which give rise to the family of
here-so-called lexicographic orderings. This is possible because while
letters are surely formed of words, words are also clearly formed of
letters, which is impor tant. In this monograph we discuss the
foundational theory of the lexicographic orderings and prove several
dubious theorems in rapid pursuit of our conclusion.What are the founding principles of the new lexicographic order?
Putting the second first, that many are more than few. Surprisingly,
this is not always the case, and history has often given priority of
the pre-eminent word of length. While there is surely no question that
a halfpint must precede a halfpintess, the more vexing devil is the
halfpainter. But the argument proceeds thusly: no, of course, yes.
Consider along these lines a thought-experiment due to Dodgson (M'65):
we are in the midst of a great hole-forest having clouded ourselves
with spices only to fall in with a pack of cards. If we begin counting
the cards at 5 and proceed by fives until we reach the maximum and
only then begin in on 4, then we are at the mercy of the enumeration,
and whether we ever reach the 10 for a third time is out of our hands.
Dodgson's original answer is still applicable: rather than gathering
our skirts about us, we must sweep boldly out, catching up the cards
in our maelstrom and crashing back up to the surface. In this way
nothing is left behind but stale cake and weak tea. The key trick, and
here we begin again to count words, is in the number of letters, for
which many schemes have been proposed; we will cite only Bell (1963).
There are a number of words with only one letter. Since they have only
one letter, that number is 1, for all words containing only one letter
repeated once must be the same, which we may enter as an original
theorem. Listing this word,51
followed by the two-letter words, we find that we must eventually run
out of letters, for this too shall pass as in all things, which is not
a theorem but merely sounds nice. But if we are out of letters we will
have nothing to do but break them down into words, which will
necessarily be of three letters or more since we have written all the
others down by now. Continuing like this we arrive at every lexeme in
its due course, much as the Blue Nile flows into the White.The principle of origin is the first among principles: that among all
lexemes can be found a primitive word from which all words are to
follow. This ques tion was of great interest some years ago but was
largely believed settled by the indirect contributions of Zebedee (6).
It was Webster (1828) who first pro vided direct evidence that the
supposed solution was inconsistent with gobsmack and glouglou when
taken with the other axioms, but solutions in the nature of painting
patches over the rhino's spots were still regularly proferred until
Bovik (1965) conclusively established the existence of the letter 'B',
without which he had been unable to launch his academic career12.
More recent investigations (notably in JRR&CT vol. 5 (1977)) dispute
the original framework in favor of a harmonic derivation of ineffable
source. Following this theory of void origin, we propose the symbol ,
for E¨a, or perhaps emptiness or enemy, this last for its presumption
in coming always first. No matter the significance, we have now named
it, which is to say, we have identified it with a word, and yet at
once with a letter, which is evidence that we are on the right track.
But where may we seek this elusive ? Aha: it is a letter of the Greek
alphabet.Third. From the first days of our youth we are inclined to gather
letters together in stacks, then break them down and let them tumble
wildly as we shriek with joy. It is only in seeming maturity that we
train ourselves in the unnatural practice of leaving letters united.
This basic cost of social "progress" is the enemy of the final pillar
of the lexicographic order. Instead we must learn again to shatter the
battalions of words into an army of letters, stomping with perfect
discipline one after the next. Here and now is the parade, but when
the rally is over, where will they march? As leaders we must direct
them --- to the left, the left, always to the left. And in our army
there are many privileges, ranks, and stations, so as the soldiers
file past we sort them, rating one column above another according to
the office of its leading soldiers, just as they do in real military
manouevers. A word of caution: this ranking itself ranks below all, so
that the size of a word matters more than its matter, and the
primogenial word still preceeds all others. Thus the terms of ordering
are themselves ordered, which is true of everything, no matter the
number, that they may be restored to order through of these
principles. Even in this document we have been perfectly consistent
with our principles, or at least some of them, if you comprehend the
delicate criteria by which we judge ourselves. But no better can be
said of our opponents, so there!1It is a sad legacy of that era that there were no great computer
scientists until Bovik whose last names contained 'B', other than
Boole, who gained exception to the Victorian blacklists due to the
attraction of his wife and freemasonry.2It is this striking contribution which has prompted us to honor him
in this way3. 3Honor him right in the breeches.
52
In conclusion, we have poured out with enthusiastic rigor the
foundations of the new lexicographic order, and we have made several
assertions, roughly pertinent to the topic, which we sincerely assure
our readers represent our one and true opinion on the matter. There is
no better time for this wisdom to be accepted into the curriculum. The
students at our universities now learn a multitude of means through
which a host of objects can be shown to progress, but they have no
understanding of what kind of progress must be imposed on the masses.
This work has definitively settled that question. A prolonged labor
lies before us now, as all existing software must be reconciled to the
new order of things, and much convincing will be required. Still, far
better to have reached a settlement here than to have fought it out at
ever-greater expense out of a misguided sense of utility. Someday this
great work of the just will be complete, and we will all have to
decide what fundaments we should next assault; on that day we will
rest, and then start afresh on our great purpose.God Bless Academia.
53
54
Track 1
Defeating Evil
О TIME IN THE HAND OF AN ANGRY CUBE
The Generalized Cubic Law of Nature: An Answer to
ach
Oneism Evil
...................................................................................57
Thomas WrightО READERS IN THE HAND OF AN ANGRY REDACTION
Are you GOD?
...............................................................................61
Anvesh KomuravelliО ALIASES IN THE HAND OF AN ANGRY ANALYSIS
Holy States Can Save the World!
...................................................67
Brother Jonathan AldrichО PUPPIES IN THE HAND OF AN ANGRY GRAPH
Simple Systems: A Holistic, Postmodern Alternative to the Oppressive
and Outdated Study of Complex Systems (Semiotics, Transformative
Hermeneutics, and Applications) ......71 Mayank LahiriО CITIZENS IN THE HAND OF AN ANGRY ROBOT
A crowdsourced approach to proving robot uprising safety
..........75 Thomas D. LaToza
55
56
The Generalized Cubic Law of Nature: An Answer to Oneism Evil
Thomas Wright
Carnegie Mellon University
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60
Are you GOD?
Anvesh Komuravelli
Computer Science Department
Carnegie Mellon University
Pittsburgh, PA 15213
Abstract. In this paper, I discuss an idea which is the most brilliant
and the greatest of all the ideas ever discussed in a paper (be it a
research paper or at least written using a paper1). This is so great
and concrete that any abstraction would make it look worthless,
especially for mortals. Thus, it is insulting to the idea to write an
abstract on it. I wish not to insult anything.Warning: The full content is not guaranteed to be perceived by
mortals. Try your luck anyway. If it does not work out, upgrade
yourselves to immortality to access the full content.
{width="0.7883333333333333in"
height="6.666666666666667e-3in"}1 Some readers might need a reminding that a paper is also a thin
material used for writing upon, printing upon or for packaging.61
2 A. Komuravelli
1 Introduction
in.
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height="6.666666666666667e-3in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="4.958333333333333in"
height="6.666666666666667e-3in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
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height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="6.666666666666667e-3in"
height="0.15333333333333332in"}
{width="4.958333333333333in"
height="6.666666666666667e-3in"}63
4 A. Komuravelli
3 G .
4 Conclusion
Hence,
64
?!*#$% 5
.
Acknowledgement. I would like to express my sincere thanks to Harry Q.
Bovik for sharing his expertise in Computer Science which made this
greatest work possible.References
1. Bovik's Great Grandfather: The birth of Bovik, In the proceedings
of the First Interstellar Conference of the Greatest Happenings of the
Universe, 1--26 light years from CMU, 253 Mathilde, Universe, 0000.2. Crappy Crapper: The crappiest paper ever, In the proceedings of
the Last Confer ence on Extraordinary Papers, pp 34--(−200), The
Greatest Publishers, Unknown Place, Unknown Year.3. Rafael Zhivago: Proof for the existence of God, In the proceedings
of the the Third Annual Intercalary Workshop about Symposium on Robot
Dance Party of Confer ence in Celebration of Harry Q. Bovik's 26th
Birthday, pp 49--50, LuLu, S.Craig St., Pittsburgh, 2009.
65
66
ABSTRACT
Holy States Can Save the World!
Brother Jonathan Aldrich
High Monk of the Plaid Brotherhood
used a few times, perhaps only once, before being discarded
The twin evils of imperative and functional programming threaten the
software world as we know it---destroying fields and spreading garbage
throughout the cybersphere. In this paper we present Holy States as
the last, best hope for peace and harmony. Holy States avoid the
wanton destruction of field values so common in languages based on
caffeine and out of tune notes. Neither is computation based on
wasteful Schemes creating duplicate objects that then MilL around
until they are garbage. Instead, every object is considered sacred and
when no longer needed is reborn in a new, holy state. Recapturing the
original stateful spirit of Turing's Machines, we show all
computations can be expressed in a Holy way, with neither garbage nor
field destruction.Categories and Subject Descriptors
J.8.1 [Computer Applications]: Theology---Saving the World
General Terms
Languages, Human Factors.
Keywords
assignment, garbage, states, holiness, salvation.
ALABAMA. INTRODUCTION
Imperative programming is evil. With every "assignment" executed, some
poor variable value is executed as well. And be not deceived by the
colloquial use of "execution" in the field of computer science---it's
true meaning is that found in the dictionary: the infliction of
capital punishment [7]. Values are slaughtered mercilessly. The
carnage must stop, before the world is destroyed!Functional programming [6] was developed as an alterna tive to
imperative programming, but it only substitutes one evil for another.
Data structures are created willy nilly, to be
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Copyright 2010 ACH 666-666-666 ...$5,000,000,000.00.
as "garbage." It is well-known that functional programming leads to a
truly scandalous waste, contributing to the well know problems of
cycle depletion [16]. While efforts have been made to construct
so-called "garbage collectors," even ones that integrate composting
[8] this is clearly a misguided attempt to patch things up after the
damage has been done. We must avoid the creation of garbage in the
first place, or else the world will be suffocated by the reeking
stench created by functional computation.In this paper, we show how a hallowed approach to typestate oriented
programming1 can save the world from the ravages of imperative
assignment and the wasteland of functional garbage. To do so, we reach
back into the mists of time to recapture the true intent of the Chosen
One, Alan Turing. Turing showed that conceptually all computation can
be ex pressed, simply and beautifully, in a state-based model [20].Until the Plaid Brotherhood took up its holy quest to save the world,
however, there was no realistic program ming paradigm or programming
language for performing holy, state-based programming, as Turing
intended. We show how Turing's Machines can be implemented in a Hal
lowed subset of the typestate-based programming language Plaid. Our
approach creates no garbage---instead, whenever objects are no longer
needed in their current state, they are Saved and Born Again in a new
holy state. Nor do we ever allow an object's field values to be
destroyed by assignment; instead, new field values may be bestowed as
part of the Sacrament of State Change.The epistle herein, if followed and promulgated by those faithful to
the One Plaiddish Way, can save the world!ALASKA. THE WAY OF UNIVERSAL SAL VATION
The One Pladdish Way of programming follows two simple rules. First,
the wanton destruction of assignment is forbid den. All evolutions in
the state of objects must be accom plished instead via the Sacrament
of State Change. Second, objects may never be released as garbage;
each object must be reborn in a new state when no longer needed.ARIZONA. EXPERIENCING CLEAR
A programmer who has foresworn assignment and garbage, and who is
following the One Plaiddish Way, reaches a empti1An idea published [1] in a conference so prestigious it has an
exclamation mark in its name! please PLEASE give me tenure!
67
ness of mind, spirit, and CPU that has been called "Clear"[14]. But
is it possible to reach this happy state in Plaid practice? St. Turing
showed the way with his Universal Machines, which can encode any
computation using the ideas of states. Through long study, secret
handshakes, and lost symbols [2] we have developed a construction of
Turing's Machines in the Plaid language, following the One Plaiddish
Way.1 state Cell {
2 method getLeft() {
3 left;
4 }
5 method getRight() {
6 right;
7 }
8 val left;
9 val right;
10
11 method print() { ... }
12 }
13
14 state LeftEnd {
15 method getLeft() {
16 val me = this;
17 val myLeft = new LeftEnd with Zero { 18 right = me;
19 };
20 val myRight = this.getRight();
21
22 this \<− Cell { left = myLeft; right = myRight; };
23
24 left;
25 }
26 // getRight(), etc. as in Cell
27 }
Listing 1: Modeling Tape Cells
Cells in a Turing tape are modeled as holy states which are connected
to the cells on the left and on the right, and have additional
operations such as print.Of course, a Turing tape is infinite, which is difficult for fi nite
minds and primitive programming models to effectively represent. While
some among the unfaithful might suggest laziness to model an infinite
data structure, Plaid theology holds that sloth is one of the Six
Deadly Sins. We therefore apply the Sacrament of State Change to
approach an under standing of the Infinite. A LeftEnd state is like a
cell, but it has no cell to the left of it, yet. When we need the cell
to the left, we create it as a new LeftEnd (in the initial, Zero
state---see below), set its right field to the current object me, and
transform the current object into an ordinary Cell (using Plaid's
state transition operator, written \<-). There are corresponding
states for RightEnd and the Start cell of the tape (which is
conceptually both a left and a right end).1 state Zero {
2 method writeZero() {}
3 method writeOne() {
4 this \<− One;
5 }
6 method printVal() {
7 java.lang.System.out.print("0");
8 }
9 }
10
11 state One { ... // similar
Listing 2: Modeling Cell States
Each cell in a Turing tape can be in one of a fixed number of states.
Here we consider two such states, Zero and One. Either a Zero or a One
state is combined with the Cell state when a Cell object is
constructed. If we are in the Zero state, writing a one with
writeOne() transforms the current object into the One state. Each
state also knows how to print an appropriate representation.1 state Beaver2B {
2 val cell;
3
4 method update() {
5 match (cell) {
6 case Zero {
7 cell.writeOne();
8 val newCell = cell.getLeft(); 9 this \<− Beaver2A { cell =
newCell; }; 10 }11 case One {
12 cell.writeOne();
13 val newCell = cell.getRight(); 14 this \<− Halt { cell =
newCell; }; 15 }16 };
17 }
18
19 method run() {
20 update();
21 run();
22 }
23 }
Listing 3: Modeling Machine States
A Turing machine is represented by one or more internal states, such
as the Halt state or the Beaver2B state shown above (from the 2-state,
2-symbol "Busy Beaver" Turing ma chine). The machine's processing is
represented by the run() method, which updates the machine's state and
then contin ues running in the new state (which, of course, may have a
different run() method). The update() method uses a match to find out
if the cell at the machine's head is a Zero or a One. It then writes a
value (one in this case), moves left or right, and transitions the
machine into a new state (Beaver2A or Halt).As the revelation above shows, any Turing machine can be expressed in
the One Plaiddish Way. Since any program can be expressed as a Turing
machine, we have proven beyond reasonable doubt that the One Plaiddish
Way is a practical way to live one's programming life.The key to salvation described above is available in the form of Plaid
source code at the Plaid monastery web site2.ARKANSAS. ETERNAL DAMNATION
We note in passing that the creators of the Plaid language have not
reached "clear" and have regrettably included the option of both
assignment and functional programming in68
the language. The Supreme Revolutionary Plaid Council of Pittsburgh has
declared a Fatwa against these features, and they shall not be used by
the faithful. The penalty for violations is the eternal torment of
programming in COBOL.
CALIFORNIA. RELATED WORK
We approve of Wadler's inclusion of an exclamation point in the title of
a paper [21]. However, we feel that changeing the world is a rather
modest goal; our ambition is instead to save the world!
The dangers of The Assignment are well documented [9]. As for the
problem of garbage, recent work paints a grim picture of the world's
future [19].
Saving the world has been a problem for a long time. It was notably
tried over 2 millenia ago, and though the ef fort ended in the death of
the protagonist, many believe the approach to have been successful
[5]. Other, more re cent (and highly misguided) approaches have, at
the cost of great struggle [13], not only failed to save the world but
may indeed have brought the end of the world [11] closer. The au thor
notes evidence from SIGBOVIK '09 reviews that that Nazis used SML
[4], indicating that garbage was part of their nefarious plots.
Some attempts to save the world have been downright spellbinding
[17], and have achieved fanstastic success at banishing evil. While
most research has focused on saving our world, recent work considers
ways to save other worlds as well [3].Some believe the world can be saved if people would do only 50 simple
things [12]. It is notable that #47 is to avoid garbage through
recycling objects, as our State Change Sacra ment accomplishes.We save our discussion of research published in the most
distinguished venues for last. MapReuse and MapRecy cle [15] are
very much in the spirit of our state-change based object reuse
strategy. Finally, the One Plaiddish Way draws inspiration from the
One True Coding Style [10], which also uses Holy languages, but
which also blasphemously uses as signment in C++.COLORADO. FUTURE WORK
In future work we hope to formalize the semantics of Holy States in
Drunken Logic [18]. Should be fun!CONNECTICUT. CONCLUSIONS
Believe not in the false prophets of functional and imperative
programming. Holy states CAN save the world!
DELAWARE. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
The author gratefully acknowledges the other members of the Plaid
Brotherhood for the development of the One Plaid dish Way and its
support in the Plaid compiler. In addition, Miss Mouse provided moral
support throughout the author's childhood, for which he is eternally
grateful.
1. REFERENCES
[1] J. Aldrich, J. Sunshine, D. Saini, and Z. Sparks.
Typestate-oriented programming. In Onward!, 2009. [2] D. Brown.
The Lost Symbol. Doubleday, 2009. [3] J. Cameron. Avatar, 2009.[4] J. Cette. Review of the one true coding style. In The 8th
Biarennial Workshop about Symposium on Robot Dance Party of Conference
in Celebration of Harry Q. Bovik's 0x40th Birthday, 2009.[5] J. Christ. The Holy Bible. 33.
[6] A. Church. An unsolvable problem of elementary number theory.
American Journal of Mathematics, 58:354--363, 1936.[7] Dictionary.com. Definition of execution.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/execution. [8] J. Donham.
Compacting, composting garbage collection. In The 6th Biarennial
Workshop about Symposium on Robot Dance Party of Conference in
Celebration of Harry Q. Bovik's 0x40th Birthday, April 2007.[9] C. Duguay. The assignment, 1997.
[10] J. M. (editor). The one true coding style. In The 8th
Biarennial Workshop about Symposium on Robot Dance Party of Conference
in Celebration of Harry Q. Bovik's 0x40th Birthday, 2009.[11] Fluid. The end of the world.
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/end.
[12] E. Group. 50 Simple Things You Can Do to Save the Earth.
Bathroom Readers Press, 1990.[13] A. Hitler. Mein Kampf. Hurst and Blackett, London, 1939.
[14] L. R. Hubbard. Dianetics The Modern Science Of Mental Health.
1950.[15] M. McGlohon. Mapreuse and maprecycle: Two more frameworks for
eco-friendly data processing. In The 8th Biarennial Workshop about
Symposium on Robot Dance Party of Conference in Celebration of Harry
Q. Bovik's 0x40th Birthday, 2009.[16] J. M. Newcomer and C. B. Weinstock. Cycle depletion---a
worldwide crisis. In The 6th Biarennial Workshop about Symposium on
Robot Dance Party of Conference in Celebration of Harry Q. Bovik's
0x40th Birthday, 2007.[17] J. K. Rowling. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Bloomsbury, 2007.[18] R. J. Simmons. A non-judgmental reconstruction of drunken
logic. In The 6th Biarennial Workshop about Symposium on Robot Dance
Party of Conference in Celebration of Harry Q. Bovik's 0x40th
Birthday, 2007.[19] A. Stanton. Wall-e, 2008.
[20] A. M. Turing. On computable numbers, with an application to the
entscheidungsproblem. Proceedings of the London Mathematical
Society, 2(42):230--265, 1937.[21] P. Wadler. Linear types can change the world! In Programming
Concepts and Methods, 1990.
69
70
Simple Systems: A Holistic, Postmodern Alternative to the Oppressive
and Outdated Study of Complex Systems
Semiotics, Transformative Hermeneutics, and Applications
Mayank Lahiri
University of Illinois at Chicago
ABSTRACT
Much of complex systems research today deals with, under standably, the
study of complexity. This is not surprising in itself, since the real
world is arguably a complex affair and academics are easily distracted
by shiny things, but as theorists from Sartre to Kolmogorov to Jesus
have convinc ingly argued, those who try to understand the essence of
complexity using kilogram minds (with apologies to dual ists) are doomed
to atrophied muscles, bad tempers, and no girlfriends. As an alternative
to the masochistic leanings of much of the complex systems community, we
propose a postmodern alternative that fully incorporates contem porary
social theories of shifting cultural paradigms, ulti mately allowing an
entirely introspective examination of the universe, namely: simple
systems. We prove the complete ness and consistency of our axiomatic,
organic, oak-barrel aged framework, thereby reducing its intrinsic
hermeneutics, metaphorically, to little more than a dog chasing its own
tail. We also successfully reconcile its epistemic paradoxes with
Planck's constant, and then discuss more theoretical issues. It's all
pretty deep, man.
General Terms
Impressionistic mathematics; beer review
1. INTRODUCTION
"Math class is tough." -- 1992 Teen Talk Barbie
It is now indisputable that there exists a universal scale of
complexity, intrinsic to the very fabric of our universe, that runs
from zero to about seven [2]. Simple things, such as walking,
eating, and single-digit addition, score near 0, whereas very complex
things, like the Internet, or the rea sons for Keanu Reeves'
continuing acting career, are situ ated near the 7-end of the
spectrum. The study of com plex systems deals with things situated at
this so called 'Keanu's end', whereas filing a tax return for the
first time
Permission to make digital or hard copies of all or part of this work
for absolutely any use whatsoever is granted without fee, provided that
copies are not made or distributed for use against the author in a court
of law or in cases of future employment, and that copies bear this
notice and the full citation on the first page. To copy otherwise, to
republish, to post on servers or to redistribute to lists, would
probably put your own reputation for good taste at risk, but not much
else.
.
71
would probably only score a feeble 5. Needless to say, com plex
systems research is clearly a very difficult and possibly pointless
endeavor, and yet many promising and otherwise productive young
scientists have been lost to this narrow minded crusade to understand,
in one fell swoop, all the things in the world that are too difficult
to draw on the back of a cocktail napkin. In response to these
criticisms, and as part of a devastating rebuttal to Foucault's
seminal mono graph on the topic Les mots et les choses [3], Bob from
next door asked the understated but poignant question: Why?It is this bon mot that serves as our foundation for a res olution of
the complex systems quagmire. Why, indeed, should we seek half-truths
from the science of complexity, especially when it is so hard to
understand? Why should we be subservient to our own cognitive
ineptitude, propagating, perhaps unconsciously (but perhaps also
unconsciously), the post-colonial ethos of 'civilized', and therefore
complex, sci ence? Do we intentionally brand all that we do not under
stand with the gender-neutral moniker of 'complexity', to be
stigmat(a)ized as the holy grail of our intellectual exis tence, and
endowed with an unspoken luster that even to day bathes the pages of
the best scientific journals with the sweetly rancid musk of tenure?
Kurt G¨odel would almost certainly have had us think otherwise, as he
so subtly and eloquently states in the concluding words1 of his 1930
trea tise Die Vollst¨andigkeit der Axiome des logischen Funktio
nenkalukuls ¨ : "Wer bist du? Und was willst du?" [5]Acknowledging that the recent trend in positivist math ematics has
been to embrace emotional, holistic, and self pitying approaches to
the understanding of n-dimensional functional analysis, especially
when n > 3, we offer the following resolution for the allure of
complex systems and their contradictory intractability: simple
systems, or sis temes simples in the original Catalan. Stated in the
un pleasant jargon of contemporary statistical mechanics, this is
roughly equivalent to a conservative axiomatization of keep it simple
stupid, or the "K.I.S.S" principle. Although the statement is
deceptively simple, bordering on the banal, we will show that an
axiomatic treatment of the topic, combined with basic metaphysical
operators, quite naturally yields an entire class of easily understood
algebras, enabling many complex systems researchers, perhaps for the
first time, to derive a life out of their work.2. AXIOMS OF SIMPLE SYSTEMS
{width="1.6616666666666666in"
height="6.666666666666667e-3in"}1There is a slight possibility that these words might have been
written in his later years, under the soft glow of de mentia.
{width="0.8643339895013123in"
height="0.6576662292213473in"}
{width="0.8101662292213473in"
height="0.8101662292213473in"}
{width="1.2926662292213473in"
height="0.8684995625546806in"}
Figure 1: A complex system (left) and a simple system (right).
There are two fundamental axioms of simple systems: (Axiom of Good)
Simple Good.(Axiom of Bad) Complex Bad.
Let us first consider the many misleading situations that these axioms
might suggest. For example, if simple is good, could it be that complex
might also be good, i.e., are they perhaps mutually compatible in a
deeper epistemological sense? To answer this question, we need only turn
to our axioms to see that this is indeed one of those misleading in
tuitions. According to the axiom of bad, Complex is Bad; thus, the
answer is no.
3. A BRIEF HISTORY OF COMPLEX SYS TEMS RESEARCH
In order to understand simple systems, one must first un derstand
complex systems. Since this is expressly what we have so far tried not
to do, we should clarify that we would like to understand the rise of
complex systems research, in order to ensure that there is an eventual
fall. Based on the premise that complex systems research has manifested
it self in ugly and hidden ways throughout history, we do not have to
dig too deep to find its masochistic scars ingrained deep in recorded
intellectual history. As early as Plato's Re public, we find stray
elements of the type of rabid intellec tual doggedness that ultimately
caused the rejection of the simpler pleasures of tilling wheat fields,
drinking wine, and generally finding existential solace in carnal
curiosities [1].
Although Plato was remarkably prescient for an old crank in heralding
the rise of the study of complex systems, a deeper and more thorough
analysis of the psychological in adequacies that drive complex systems
research had to wait for Sartre's Esquisse d'une th´eorie des
´emotions [6], in which Sartre convincingly argues that the only
plausible reason for
72
people devoting their entire lives to studying squiggly dot and-line
drawings of things nobody else understands, is that they were probably
smarter than their fifth grade mathemat ics teacher, and had to spend
a whole lot of time proving it to themselves.Others, most notably Sigmund Freud in a brief footnote in Drei
Abhandlungen zur Sexualtheorie [4], contend that the true reasons
are, somewhat ironically, simpler than Sartre's highly technical and
sometimes impenetrable theories, and probably have a lot to do with
trying to impress the pretty mathematics graduate student down the
hall. Freud also suggests that the entire endeavor is inherently
misguided, because the study of complexity is guided by the physical
universe, and mathematicians (even pretty ones) are dreamy creatures
who do not care "diddly squat" about the real world [4]. A more
fruitful approach would probably be salsa lessons.By 1967, the entire field of complex systems research was at an
impasse. Most developments during this period com pletely ignored the
considerable theoretical contributions of the previous decade,
labeling theorems and lemmas a histor ically oppressive societal
construct created by "The Man". Instead, the seminal papers of this
misbegotten era drew on a specific branch of impressionistic
mathematics, and much as Van Gogh changed the face of art in centuries
past, so did this new wave of impressionistic mathematics change the
style and substance of complex systems research, partic ularly in the
dominance of a style of thought known infor mally as gestes de la
main, frequently transliterated as the 'method of hand waving'.As a result of the emphasis on the emotional instead of substantive
aspects of research, a by-product of the gestes de la main manifesto,
and the fact that the use of big and hard to understand words often
lead to tenure, most exchanges at complex systems conferences were
ultimately reduced to quibbling over syntax and semantics. This
frequently lead