The 2018 Lyttle Lytton Contest#
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The 2018 Winners
As I felt the vampire sexily drinking the blood from my neck, the warmth between my legs grew both in wetness and in fear for my life.
The girl with the vegan pork regarded me with eyes more kind than the nonviolence on her plate.
Neil Martin
Meghan Markle could not wait to say yes to Prince Harry when he proposed during a cosy night in over a roast chicken.
@TheScotsman, 2017.1127
quoted by Alyssa Alcorn
Eric-san had only one goal in life: make Kimiko-chan his waifu-chan.
Dylan
“Thou must bewarest of woman, little Abu,” quoth wisely the Master. “For while her eyes holdeth the sweetness of a hundred dates, her lips holdeth the sting of a thousand scorpions.”
Benjamin Smith
Commander B. G. Robinson is very feminine and graciously endowed: everything she has two of are perfectly matched, coordinated, and move with a wonderful grace that is called “woman.”
Star Trek: The Next Generation episode “The Outrageous Okona” shooting script
adapted by Harper Cole
Those graceful kidneys! Those perfectly matched kneecaps! Criminy. Anyone care to volunteer something like this that’s, y’know, a little less overwrought?
Let me tell you about Sally. Her tits were good.
Sam Kabo Ashwell
I guess I asked for it.
She walked in with a dress the paralyzing green of the BlackWidow Ultimate Stealth 2014 Edition Elite Mechanical Gaming Keyboard by Razer (4.5 stars, 37 customer reviews)
Katherine Morayati
Like I said up top, it’s hard to come up with something new after nearly two decades of this, but I hadn’t seen this exact joke before, and I thought it was pretty great. 4.5 stars for Katherine! But that’s a lot of entries in a row with women as the object of the narrator’s gaze—what’s up with that?
Our eyes are always pointing at things we are interested in approaching, or investigating, or looking at, or having.
12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson
quoted anonymously
Okay, I guess that’s a good answer, though it’s hard to shake the suspicion that the author just started listing all the present participles he knows. Still, though, maybe it’s time we had an entry from the woman’s perspective?
I had always been the kind of woman to put my career first, but as I prepared to abandon my crying children to go to work for the hundredth time, a thought struck me—“Was this His plan for me?”
Holly McEwen
I think that one of the things I like best about this entry (like the one with the dates) is the suggestion that the author considers a hundred to be a really big number. I am a sucker for the idea of someone reaching for hyperbole but ending up with understatement, as the 2011 winner with the red hot sun attests. That said, sometimes when an entry breaks out the number 100, it’s not just hyperbole, it’s hyperbole and a half:
You find a cave (you’re a male Half-elf). The female Full-elves inside try to restrain their libidos, but that’s like butterfly nets trying to stop 100 mph of uncooked rice.
Allie Brosh
I guess that mention of unrestrained libidos means it’s time for this one:
Agent Gunner Storm closed his steely grey eyes and pictured the erotic sphere of Lady Liberty’s bare breast as he thrust into the terrorist princess.
Greg P
The award show was a veritable orgy—not of sex, but of cultural appropriation.
Bari Weiss, New York Times, 2017.0830
quoted by Peter Berkman
My lamestream friends told me to start dating again, but I knew the jet fuel of love couldn’t melt the steel beams of my heart.
Klaus Virtanen
Texas “Cheap Shot” Jack, the famous Newark poker player, sighed about his life. Matters of the heart—unlike the hearts he held in his hand—could not be folded so easily.
Sam Coppini
The tongue has no bones, but it is strong enough to break a heart.
Power of Positivity Facebook page
quoted by Clare Fischer
A tear rolled down her face like a tractor. “David,” she said tearfully, “I don’t want to be a farmer no more.”
anonymous
Not too many other bad similes made the list this year—it looks like the only remaining one in the original entries is this:
The puddle detective Amelia Stone stepped into reminded her of a pool of blood or sins as dark as the muddy water.
Iva Hauer
I concede that I didn’t exactly laugh out loud at this one, but I do admire the heck out of it—it’s a nifty little ouroboros of a comparison. But on the topic of sins:
There is no human hunger like unto the hunger for pride.
Brad Hanon
“It looks like this continent is out of water,” I said in Antarctica, as a rookery of penguins waddled thirstily by.
Ally Walker
I love the whole thing, but I am tickled by “waddled thirstily by” in particular. Between this and “sexily”, perhaps the lesson is that adverbs are the funniest part of speech. I will have to ponder this.
Dany approached the castle. (If you’ve forgotten about Dany, reread books 3 - 6). In her hand, she held the sword Justificier (reread book 7), still bearing the blood of Durin (reread book 9).
Jenny
I haven’t seen that joke before, so a virtual high‑five to this entrant. I also must confess that it hits home for me—these days not only would I not remember things from one book in a series to the next, but I often can’t remember things as I move from one chapter to the next. (One advantage is that I don’t have to spend as much on comic books, because instead of buying a new issue every month I can just reread last month’s issue and it will seem like it’s hot off the presses.)
The brute was reminiscent of an ancient Ethiopian warrior, bristling with muscle and melanin, yet Charlie was unfazed.
Grayson Seelke
Unhesitantly I skydove, commending my body into the lightweight but capable hands of my parachute.
Hannah Sim
Tad quit school to paint the canvas of Google Maps, his dad’s Camry his brush and his mind his own.
Hannah Sim
THE BULLET JOURNAL OF KELSEY JOY
To-Do: 1/1 - 1/7
* Three-year anniversary w/ partner in crime!!!
^ Appointment w/ ob/gyn
- Study for LSAT
+ Solve sister’s murder
Aimee Lim
Queen Aquareine had a stern look upon her beautiful face. Cap’n Bill guessed from this look that the mermaid was angry.
The Sea Fairies by L. Frank Baum
quoted anonymously
Good sleuthing, Cap’n! And yes, it is the unironic use of “Cap’n” and the extremely obvious conclusion said Cap’n draws that stand out here, but on a more subtle note, look at how Baum unnecessarily specifies that the look is on the mermaid queen’s face (as opposed to what, her elbow?) in order to be able to shove the word “beautiful” in there. Even the name “Aquareine” is a groaner. I guess we’re lucky he didn’t name the girl who went to Oz “Terrafille”.
General Clap did not understand the way of the ancient warrior. However, the Shadow Wolves did.
The Way of the Shadow Wolves by Steven Seagal and Tom Morrissey
quoted by Brendan Adkins
I was going to make a joke about whether the Shadow Wolves had gotten hold of the Chaos Emeralds, but I looked up this book and discovered that it also prominently features Barack Obama and that in so doing it makes the Chaos Emeralds author look like Robert A. Caro.
I dance with English, and our tale is only just beginning.
Gods of the Word by Margaret Magnus
quoted anonymously
Perhaps so, but the 2018 edition of the Lyttle Lytton Contest is drawing to a close. We have two found entries left. Picking a winner between these two was tough; the one we’ll see first is written worse, but I couldn’t give it the (imaginary) top prize in the found division because it doesn’t sound much like the beginning of a novel:
Joe just looks at me with that stupid look, covered in flowing blood, going onto his shirt like ketchup randomness, so much messier and more random than I could ever plan.
Palo Alto by James Franco
quoted by Ruben Luthman
The atmospheric molecules that filled the Rose Bowl were in full vibration as kickoff approached.
Ryan McGee, espn.com, 2017.0915
quoted by Ryan S.
That concludes the contest for 2018! Historically, I have wrapped up this results page with a few remarks about how tough it is each year to draw a line between those entries that make it in and those who are left out, and even after adding a whole new class of entries to include, that remains true: there are a couple dozen entries sitting in a folder called “tentative winners” that wound up as a “not quite” when it came time to do this write‑up, and on another day, any of them might have made the cut. So, many thanks to all the entrants, as well as to the posters, rebloggers, and retweeters who help to spread the word about this contest. If you enjoy Lyttle Lytton, please consider supporting it by tossing a few cents at my Patreon account, the proceeds from which allow me to devote time to this and other projects. It would be kinder than a plate of vegan pork and sweeter than a hundred dates!
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