The 2013 Lyttle Lytton Contest #

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The 2013 Winners

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The men greeted each other, wearing various smiles on their faces.

The stranger rode into town with eyes that said his sixgun would have stories to tell, if it spoke any language other than the guttural tongue of violence.

Cormac Leggatt

The town was built in the lowlands, risking flood, as if the founders dared the mighty mountains surrounding the town by asking for giant rivulets of detritus, saying “Give me them” to the mountains.

Ryan Maxwell

My dear wife jolted awake, rolled over, and looked at me. “I just lucid dreamed that I killed you,” she said sadly.

Ian Waddell

We had succeeded in evaluating the strengths and needs of the enemy battlestation. “Eureka,” I exclaimed. Prepare to utilize Attack Plan Theta on the rear defensive shield!

J. Forbes Stimson

What’s funny about this isn’t the exaggeration, because\ it isn’t really exaggerated. Do a search on “Attack Plan Theta” and you will get dozens of hits. Distilling a whole genre down to this and submitting it to the contest is like hanging a urinal in an art gallery: the change of context encouranges you to think about things you might take for granted. Like, take this pseudo-military spacewar jargon. If you take a job writing a genre piece, this comes with the territory. There have been days when turning “hero blows up the station somehow” into “‘Prepare to utilize Attack Plan Theta on the rear defensive shield!’” was what I did at work that day. And I don’t know what Attack Plan Theta is. And the audience doesn’t know what Attack Plan Theta is. As far as the communication of meaning is concerned, this phrase is an empty vehicle. And yet it really is a requirement of the genre — this sort of sequence doesn’t feel “authentic” without it. Isn’t that funny?

Madison was a shy, awkward, inwardly beautiful teenaged girl just like you.

Brandon Specktor

Go to your local Barnes & Noble (if you can still find one). There will be a wall solidly packed with shelves. Those shelves will be filled with books. Chapter One of every one of those books will be attempting to establish the above. So, hey, why not just cut right to it and save space?

Pius XIII stood on the balcony, triumphant. Earlier, when the white smoke had vacated the chimney, not one citizen of FurRome would have bet on a Shibu‐Ina to emerge.

Sebastian Grillmaier

Habemus puppy.

Charging, sprinting, loping with great speed, the cheetah lunged at Theodore Roosevelt, but he already had that cheetah dead to rights.

Alex Richardson

“This isn’t fair!”, wept Case, who had previously been the team captain but due to events yet to be described was not now.

Bob Nicholson

This one is kind of a twofer: not only do I not want to read a book about Case’s quest to reattain his position as team captain—I reached my fill of that sort of thing back when I was reading hundreds of SAT essays about overcoming setbacks—but ending with a staccato “was not now” is great.

“Please, just give me the answers to the test!” said Ron. Jacob pulled his mouth over his teeth as if to say “I am not going to give you the answers.”

Jack Goodger

Jacques entered out of the rain, drenched from that selfsame precipitate.

Alice Wilders

That selfsame one!

Carrie sat alone, at the most expensive restaurant in town, for the third time that month. Maybe if she turned her violet-eyed head the right way, she would get swept off her feet by a gorgeous man.

Joy Lester

Again, I do like plausibility, so this one made me smile—while I haven’t read a lot of fanfic, I’ve read enough to have seen that phrases like “turned her violet-eyed head” are standard fare in beginners’ efforts. Which brings me to this:

The fast man raced quickly after the other man, while a third man tried to keep pace with the first man.

Kenneth McMahon

The sex I had with a girl last night filled me with a feeling of 100% Grade A joy.

Patrick Maginnis

John ejaculated with such strength as if to say “I love you Mary.”

Michael Haddad

Amy gasped for her last breath, as she entered the intoxicating room of her brother.

Hannah Loomis

“BOOM!” said the bomb very loudly.

anonymous

And then there’s word choice that is poor because the chosen word isn’t one:

It was a beautiful night, and the full moon glew like it had never glown before.

Joshua Vincent

Or phrases that are not just infelicitous, but wrong:

The fireman squad extinguished the house, as it was aflame.

anonymous

Sirens had always made Simon feel safe, like being inside a strong man’s muscles.

Roland N.

And while I’m here, how about a metaphor:

As all true prophets know, the lips of fate are tightly sealed, and only the crowbar that is the passing of time can manage to pry them open.

Kirsten Walther

I’ll conclude the original entries with a special jury prize, which is occasionally awarded to entries that people other than me have singled out for recognition:

Taft slid slowly, carefully into the bathtub. He knew that it would be the best bath that he and the bathtub had ever had.

Lawrence Friday

Pfff, Taft. That cheetah would have him dead to rights.

Like Venice in Italy, Thailand’s magical Bangkok is built on a wide network of canals. So it should be no surprise that the art of the noodle is equally prized in each.

Chicken Pad Thai page on saffronroadfood.com
quoted by Peter Berman

One gimmick that pops up on a regular basis among the original entries is the inclusion of a non-germane clause describing a character… and this reads so much like one of those entries that it’s really kind of astonishing:

As Joseph Leahy, whose research focused on the biodegradation of hydrocarbons, ducked for cover, a bullet tore through the top of his head, severing his right optic nerve.

“What Made This University Researcher Snap?”, wired.com
quoted by Kaj Sotala

I try not to do this too often, but I usually can’t help but include at least one entry that was already part of a work of fiction:

FROM THE DIARY OF PIOTR KULCZYNSKI: My name is Piotr Kulczynski.

The Radiant Warrior by Leo Frankowski
quoted by Eitan Amiel

And I guess we’ll close with one more:

For years, scientists have been trying to harness the raw power of an eclipse.

Mitsubishi Eclipse commercial
quoted by Hugh Schreiber